The Celebratory Society
This idea comes from a convergence of five thoughts or moments. And I will admit upfront that it is the worst sort of self-indulgence that bubbles up in the blogging world, but hopefully my explanation will put it in perspective.
First: I was feeling blue in the hormonally-induced sense of the word and told Josh that I was feeling needy before he left for work. I think we all get this way from time to time–there are surfeits of love and dry spells–and it’s also perception. There are times when I am probably standing in a surfeit of love and I think it’s a dry spell and other times when there is an actual dry spell, but I don’t notice or it doesn’t affect me.
But I woke up feeling lonely and isolated and awkward in my own skin. Spiritual Pedicures had a lovely post about this a few months ago that I bookmarked and returned to read a few times, just because she is so brutally honest in it. And isn’t that the only way we really ever make a difference–with blunt honesty? Placing our heart on the screen or figuratively in another person’s hands?
Second: I was invited this week to participate in a festschrift for an old professor who died, the one I had written about in this old post on not saving up the kind words we have for each other for a funeral. I wasn’t familiar with the term festschrift so I Googled it. It’s a book honouring a person written and presented to them during their lifetime.
Apparently, there is another term, gedenkschrift, which is the same concept, except written after the person has died. Though the email called it a festschrift–and I think it’s fitting despite getting the term wrong–because I do think that saying kind things to another person while they’re alive does much more good than doing it after they’re gone.
A festschrift is usually given to the person on an important occasion such as their retirement, and includes essays about the person and their work. This particular festschrift is a collection of poetry and I love that it follows who he was–a poet–rather than using the traditional academic format (and yes, I do intend to contribute because it’s a nice way to say goodbye to someone whom I never got a formal chance to say goodbye). I hope people write blog posts rather than any printed medium if I get my own formal festschrift in the future.
Third: Back in 1981, Carol Burnett and Charles Grodin cooked up a friendliness campaign. Their idea was a formal movement to get people to be kind to one another without it falling into the syrup-y trappings of Pollyanna. That this shouldn’t conjure up images of prancing unicorns with rainbows shooting out their anuses. As Grodin said in the Modesto Bee, “I think the issue of how people treat each other is the most important issue we have.” They don’t preach hugging people on the street; it is simply about choosing kindness.
And in light of the Golden Rule of doing onto others, when we each face those feelings of loneliness discussed in the first thought and would thrill to receive the festschrift from the second thought, it seems silly not to partake in the third thought.
Fourth: I received the most beautiful letter from a friend. In honour of her 30th birthday, she is sending out 30 cards to 30 people to tell them how much they mean to her. I sobbed reading it. I cannot even explain how incredible it was to receive it.
Fifth: Max died and he will never get to read the beautiful posts that went up around the blogosphere. These posts are meant for Vee–to spread the news so she has support, but also to remember this amazing writer and artist. And I really wish he could have read them too.
So, after these five thoughts, what do I propose? Nothing short of an informal online festschrift discussing your emotional achievements, your writing prowess, the way you’ve touched another person. Done in a kind, orderly way.
Because I don’t think I’m the only person who can see the good in both reaching out to another person because they’ve given us an easy way to tell them how much we care about them nor the only person who would love a list to read when I am in the throes of the blues.
So this is how it works if you’d like to participate:
- This project is open to everyone in the blogosphere–any person who has a blog, regardless of whether or not you know mine. This project is open indefinitely.
- Put up a post on your site explaining that you are participating in the Celebratory Society and what it is. Please to link to this post as an explanation and feel free to grab the icon I made below by getting the code here. I also left sample post language for your post if you’re struggling to figure out what to say, but want to participate. Make sure that people can leave comments on your post (I know this sounds silly, but there is always a person who adds themselves to the IComLeavWe list even though they have the comments inadvertently turned off on their blog).
- Return here and add the url to the post (not the main url for your blog, but the permalink to your post) to Mr. Linky below. Your regular readers will see your post on your blog regardless. Others who are participating will be able to use the list below to find new blogs. People who do not link to an actual blog post and instead link to the main url for their blog will be bumped off the list.
- Make the commitment to visit and comment on at least 5 other blogs on the list below. This project has the potential to be very frustrating for some if they add themselves, leave kind words for others, and don’t have the same reciprocated. In other words, everyone wants to receive kindness, but not everyone wants to take the time to give it. Please don’t take without giving. And please make sure you visit blogs you’ve never been to before, take some time to read their posts, and give them some thoughtful feedback on their work or design.
- Make the post easily accessible on your blog. The point is to create a single post that people can add to within the comment section indefinitely. So place a link to your post in your sidebar or add it to the about page–in other words, make it easy for other people to find.
I am well aware that a colleague generally sets up a festschrift for the academic, and not the academic itself. And in a perfect world, I would arrange a more modest Mutual-Exchange Celebratory Society. But trying to streamline this, I am instead presenting it this way. And I have no qualms admitting how self-indulgent this is.
Members of the Celebratory Society
Consider this my open post for the Celebratory Society, as the first member of the group. Tell me whatever you want to say about my blog or our interactions.
39 comments
I remember coming to your blog, Finding it, and feeling like I came home. I laughed, I cried a little, a visited often. We emailed, (I have kept the email you sent to me about your children saying “GOOD BABY” instead of “GOOD BETA” , I read it about once a month, to remind me that so many people were with me in the trenches.
Your ideas, your listening to all of us, your concern, your absolute attention to detail and life make you “the diamond in the rough”.
Mel, you say things I want to say, you do things that amaze and awe me. I say “where does she get the energy?” , “how can she be so smart, beautiful and nuturing, it’s almost annoying” LOL, I strive to be MORE like you every day.
I have many heroes..in many areas of my life. In blogland, you are my hero, my go to girl, the reason I keep sharing my thoughts, because I know that someone is listening.
thank you for all you do and all you are. You, I feel, are a gift to this world and I am glad to be in your life in a very small way.
HUGS to you!
If I could go back and copy/paste a bunch of my comments to you I would – b/c I’ve meant it all. <3
I first found you I think if the beginning of your bloggy days and since I was so new I lost you and it took me some time to find you again. I was so happy when I did b/c it felt so 'right' to be 'here'. You've done what I had in my heart to do – which is be Our voice, advocate and hug when we we need it. I really am amazed at how you can pull it all together so awesomely, and make it look like you didn't even sweat.
As the Stirrup Queen you've got it, girl! And as Mel, you're just so awesome. You somehow find a way to write / say what I think and feel and make it seem it was all of our doing.
I've thank you in comments and silently to myself so many times I can't even try to think of a number. Thank you for being here for us; for helping us through something so complicated and hard and for letting us know we're not alone.
All that, w/ a little kumbaya (the fun real kind) – and we've got YOU! 🙂 So, thank you, b/c you Rock!
Everytime I send news to LFCA, I thank you for sitting down 5 days a week to put it together. I still have bookmarked the LFCA, from one of the first issues like 3 years ago, where my BFP was reported- and from the day of J’s birth.
Because of those reports, fellow bloggers who carried and gave birth around the same time I did found me, and we have traveled the road of motherhood together.
Being the social worker and nurse that I am, I reserve a special place in my heart for those who work to build connections and support in the community.
I thank you for helping give me a boost when the boys and I get sick and I do feel so isolated, like you wrote. Isolated and alone, a lot. Yes, I have friends but they work. Yes, we do have playdates, mostly in my home, because of the boys’ illness.
I have a few Glory Days where we can get out of the house and into nature and into the playground but mostly the Duo are sick and so as they get sick, so do I.
Blogging is my way of stepping away from the isolation. I thank you for always being there for those of us who are isolated a lot due to illness of our children or for chronically ill mamas like me.
Truly you have made a difference in many people’s lives; a huge difference in mine for sure. Isolation is really tough.
I was pointed to you by a friend who thought I’d appreciate your post on passover, I guess it was two years ago now. And I did, how I did, but I stayed for so much more. I don’t know if I somehow had a feeling that this road to parenthood wouldn’t be easy for us, or if it was just the overwhelming feelings brought on by our situational infertility, but finding your blog was a relief I didn’t even know I was in need of. What you have done for me, for a community en masse, is amazing, and has helped me through more than I can say.
I remember when I first came to your blog, about 2?3? years ago now. We were on the verge of starting our TTC blog and I was quite overwhelmed. I appreciate you.
Two and a half years ago I wrote this tribute to you (http://weebleswobblog.com/2007/11/my-fairy-blogmother-2.html), but a lot has happened since then.
And a year and a half ago I put up this in honor of your book (http://weebleswobblog.com/2009/01/show-tell-the-energizer-yoda-2.html).
So it’s about time for me to expound again on all that you mean to me, except that words, which we both use as our medium, are woefully inadequate.
Melissa embodies both compassion and wisdom. She speaks and acts from both her heart and her head. I learn a lot about inclusivity from her, as well as sensibility.
I love Melissa like a sister. If I had one wish, it would be for a transporter to be set up in each of our basements so we could easily move between each other’s homes.
I was fortunate enough to stumble across your blog via a google search shortly after starting my own IF blog and just before beginning treatments. I will always remember and appreciate how you responded to an email from me with a question about my first IUI, and I was struck by the fact that you were as accessible to me, a stranger and a newcomer, as you are to your long-time friends in the ALI community.
In the year plus since I found your blog, I have enjoyed your writing, both in your book and on this blog. I like your writing style, but it’s more than that. . . . the topics you introduce give me food for thought.
Your desire to build a community online comes across in everything you post. I think it is rare to find someone like you who genuinely cares so much about so many other people.
I can no longer remember how I found you, only that I am oh-so-grateful that I did. Your blog and your various projects over the years have taught me so much – not just about infertility itself, but about surviving it somewhat intact, about what it’s like to be a Jew, that there is a whole world out there full of people who are like me. I am not alone, and I know that now thanks to you.
You have touched the lives of so many people in and out of the blogosphere. You have connected to many people that I can’t even begin to encompass the numbers. I don’t know how you do all you do for us and still find time for yourself, but I’m very glad that you do!
(I apologize if this gets posted repeatedly – my internet has decided to go wonky while I was submitting!)
Melissa, you are very different from me. You are Jewish, where I am Catholic. You are a vegetarian, where I am a carnivore. You are free with your emotions, where I am reserved. You are involved; I am apathetic. You are a nurturing teacher, where I am a fair-warning/school of hard knocks teacher. You are clearly a master of time management and organization, while I am a procrastinator. You want to talk about your feelings at 11 pm, where I want to be asleep for an hour by then (especially if there will be talking about feelings!). In spite of these differences, you have made me (and, I think, everyone who comes by) feel welcome in your home (i.e. your blog).
I have learned a lot from you – and not in the ways you would assume. I had done my time in the trenches and had my miracle girl a couple years before I discovered your blog, so I was past the point of needing a guide in medical treatments. Instead, you’ve taught me much about humanity. You have taught me how to be more kind. You have taught me that sometimes a word from a stranger can be more effective than a hundred words from friends.
I think you see your role primarily as a source for all thing infertility related. While that is also true, you are so much more. You are a good example of someone who tries very hard to be an excellent person. When you’re ranting about a silly news story or outrageous legislation, you attack the concept instead of the author. When there is blogland controversy, you are the reasonable voice among the hurt feelings. I think that you have the wonderful ability to make everyone feel like you could easily be their best friend.
Thank you for doing all you do, and for being who you are. And since I listed all of our differences, I will close with the ways we are the same…We are both short. We both enjoy reading. We both enjoy cooking delicious food (which would be dessert…all else is just fuel). We both swear when necessary, but not gratuitously. And obviously, we are both wonderful! 🙂
This makes me smile in so many ways 🙂 Thank you for encouraging such sweet thoughts and emotions among us all.
I have been thinking about this with goosebumps all day.
I *get* you. You *get* me. I am humbled by your honesty and integrity—and I am honored to have you think that I’m a decent human being! 😉
I honestly daydream of the day when we will FINALLY be able to sit down and eat a meal (a HOT one at that!) and share a glass (bottle) of wine—and talk face to face.
Until then, I send you hugs and love—and thank you for the difference you’ve made in my life and in my heart.
I’ve just found out that one of Max’s final wishes was to have donations made to Rainbows for Kate (in lieu of flowers for his funeral). For those wishing to do something for him and Vee (or wanting to add something to their celebratory society CV – I’m not fussy about motivations when it comes to funding cancer charities) you can make a donation here.
Bea
ah, melissa. words seems so inadequate to offer praise and thanks to someone who means so much to so many.
I love how in this space and in your many endeavors, you have enabled such a wonderful community to flourish and thrive. you are the voice of compassion and inclusion, you impart information and wisdom, you offer up your heart and your sweat and tears. you are the gardener who tends, guides and nurtures. you are the midwife and sister who stands in support when we cannot. you are the glue, the mortar, the hub. I hate to think what my life would be like if I hadn’t found you when I did…
you are simply a phenomenal woman, friend and human being. thank you for being you.
and I want in on that transformer to and from your place and lori’s.
Luckily I found your blog fairly quickly after I started my blog. I was anxious to find people who I could relate to and who would in turn come back to my blog and comment, because after all what is a blog without readers.
I am not sure how exactly I found you but I am sure it was a link from someone else’s and when I clicked over it actually took my breath away. For the first time EVER since starting my IF roller coaster I felt understood…I felt I belonged some where and I will never be able to thank you enough for all that you have done, are doing, and will do for the ALI community. You brought us all together. You give us all a voice and you are always making sure everyone feels valued. Nothing I can ever say will be enough because this community saved me. So I will just say a million Thank you’s Mel…YOU ARE THE BEST!!!!
Simply, you changed my life. For the better.
When I found your website LFCA, my daughter just died at 38 weeks of pregnancy. I felt pretty alone in the world. I at once had an immediate sense of connection with what you envisioned here. Love. Support. Compassion. Connection. Humor. Community. All of it stood hand in hand when all I could see post-stillbirth was the abyss, the aloneness and the grief. I followed your links. I read other stories. I sent comments and love to other people having hard days.
You gave me a precious gift–the gift of getting out of my own suffering for those moments of the day. You gave me moments of compassion. This community you created was like uncovering the home I was seeking in my early months of grief. I found my friends, confidantes, soulmates.
Every so often, I would see my blog in the blog round up or Kirsty-ed, and I can’t even tell you what that meant to me. My writing, my passion, my loss, my grief, my soul and most importantly, my daughter was out there. People were learning about her, someone was understanding me, even if they didn’t experience daughter death too…I felt understood. I am grateful for that gift, for the unconditional support and for the love you showed to me simply by dint of my suffering and my humanity. Thank you. You will never truly understand what you have done for the lives of so many women, but I hope you have a small glimpse through this project.
You have given so many women a home when it feels like there can never be a home. I found you, and this community, and suddenly felt like people could understand me, and perhaps, more importantly, that I had something to contribute. You seem tireless, working in so many ways to hold us together, to teach us how to talk to and support one another, and to empower us to live lives of hope, whatever unexpected paths we may wind up taking on the journey.
It is a gift to have met you, and to be a part of this beautiful, if sometimes painful, but always inspiring conversation.
Oh Mel honey, I could go on and on!
You gave me a source of inspiration, a place to come to meet others, a way to find people in the same boat as we are. You gave me hope.
I found a whole online community and I continue to cherish IF bloggers through your connection hub. Bless you for being there, for me and for all of us. You have so much to get the word out about infertility and the world is a better place for it.
Oh girl words are not enough to express how much you mean to each and every one of us. I remember when you posted a comment on my blog for the first time and I was starstruck, really. You have done so much for the ALI community and your brilliance just keeps getting better. You are da man for real! Love ya and stop by Cairo sometime, you are always welcome. Don’t we have to have some coffee together or something? If I am ever in the DC area I would so love to hook up. xoxo
I remember the first time I came across your blog. A friend was participating in ICLW and my curiosity got the better of me. The next thing I knew, I was knee deep in this amazing community which has grown up around you, your blog, and our shared desire to build our families.
Thank you, Mel, for your voice. For speaking the things that some of us didn’t know how to say. For providing a place for us to come together in the midst of our isolation. And for being the honest, caring, open person that you are.
Yours was one of the first blogs I found after entering blog land, via a friend’s blog. You are the hub for all of us. You speak out for us, you keep us all updated, and most of all, you support us. Without you, I’m sure there would be an enormous void. Thank you for all that you do, and it is A LOT! Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Mel, what a wonderful idea! I think I could use an infusion of happy in my corner of the world.
As far as you go Mel. Your blog has always felt like home to me. I think that says it all.
I still have to put something about this on my own blog… but I couldn’t resist leaving a few celebratory comments of my own here. You are a gem among gems, dear Mel. Your compassion and kindness, your humour, your generosity, your willingness to put yourself “out there” on behalf of your fellow ALI community members, your way with words and the thorough and even-handed way you explore complex and contentious issues in your blog are gifts to us all. You inspired and encouraged me to start blogging, even though I was already years past my loss & IF treatments, and my life is better because of it. You’ve truly earned that title of “ALI den mother.” Thank you, thank you, thank you for all that you do for us. xoxo
Ooo, I love this! I was just trying to explain to my husband yesterday (after having a particularly down-in-the-dumps Wednesday) that sometimes I just feel so wallow-y when I really have nothing to wallow about, and all I really would need is a giant hug from a good friend.
Your blog is like my home base. I remember initially feeling such a sense of community when I found it, almost 3 years ago. It really has helped me find some of my greatest friends, even though I have yet to meet them in person. After we were successful in conceiving B and getting through the early months of a newborn, I feel like I took a step back from the IF bloggy world. I still maintained my blog – sort of – but to be honest, I wasn’t “in it” anymore mentally, and I didn’t really know where my place was, so I backed off a bit. Anyway, all this to say, your blog has never been one that has fallen off my reader. And I know as we start to bounce around the idea of peanut #2, I know your blog and the community it supports will be right there to help me through it all again. And I’m forever grateful to you for that.
Mel…
I do not have the proper words in my rather limited vocabulary to express to you what you mean to me, and how I feel about you.
I was at a meeting planning our local Share Walk to Remember and another committee member was crying about how alone she was feeling…I sent her your way immediately. You can never feel alone with you visit Mel. You are instantly wrapped up in a world full of love and understanding, someone to shake their fists with you when you are angry, people to wrap their arms around you when you are sad, and people to jump up and down squealing with you when something goes right.
And you Mel, are the queen of the land. You build us up. And there will never be enough thanks in the world for that.
Oh, Mel!!! Since Kathy found me through LFCA, my daughter literally might not be here were it not for you! You are a rock for this community. Your love and compassion shines through in everything you write. I love seeing pictures of you, because I can see your heart in your smile.
Can’t wait to give you a big hug in just a few months! xoxo
Well, Mel, You have inspired me to write a poem:
http://www.mloknitting.com/?p=1263
Be warned, I have been working on children’s poetry of late, so it may be a bit rhymey.
welllll, i thought i had left a comment last night, but there must’ve been a user error. gah. i can’t recreate/remember it so i’ll just start fresh.
i think you are amazing and creative. you give so much of your time and yourself. whether you’ve been in the same situation or not, your empathy is enormous.
you answer your emails!
i really don’t know how you do it all. or how you come up with the things you come up with! hello, blogger bingo? show and tell?
besides being grateful for being “connected” to all the amazing blogs in the ALI world through your work…i am most grateful for being connected to YOU.
::submit:: – BETTER WORK!
xoxoxo
Mrs.Spock is a dear friend who is participating and from whom I’ve learned about the Celebratory Society.
First, let me raise a glass of good bubbly to you, dear Mel, Ringleader, confidante, friend, in other words, a Mensch.
Thank you for the gift of you and your family and may Many Mazels come to you all.
Martha
First time poster! I love your blog and really love what you are doing!
I found your blog through a very good blogging buddy of mine and I will come back! I really love your thought provoking blog! It’s awesome-sauce! 🙂
Hm. I drank one of my cocktails tonight and I’m 35, it’s much more intense than it used to be and instead of going to bed, I decided now was the time to do the Celebration Society thing. I hope I make sense when you read this…
I don’t remember how I ended up here. I had been blogging with my WordPress blog for a few weeks, months…and I saw your Show and Tell. I had volunteered for writing letters to children which had really opened my eyes on what people want to hear, about being sensitive to the needs of others, to their pain. Your blog was another step in that direction. I think you opened my eyes on infertility, it was always there but “we didn’t talk about it”. My family is real big on not talking about stuff and I am. Anyway, at first it was very difficult to take in the posts I read from you or others. All that sadness, anxiety, hope, despair, joy…and then it was okay. I love reading you. I love that you are a portal to other bloggers sharing about their needs to be understood and be taken in whole with the infertility, the need to be understood, to be able to communicate the feelings…
Well, Mel, you are generous of your time, your knowledge, your Mr Linky…you have provided me food for thought and wonder.
xx
I am so grateful for the day I discovered (or had it pointed out to me by K at Waiting for Sunflower) your blog. Finding you and K were like seeing a front porch light in the dark when I was lost and alone. While I knew others who were TTC, I didn’t know anyone who was suffering IF as long or in a similar way to me. This community has been a life-saver.
Mel, you are one of the most amazing people I’ve met – online or in real life. The ideas you come up with are amazing! I’m constantly in awe of you. And, while I don’t always agree completely with you on issues, you have your convictions and reasons you believe in those ideals and I find that refreshing as so many people believe things because others tell them too and not because of any original thought. I’ve found we have a lot in common, also, and it is always a plus to find someone with similarities to yourself.
Thank you for all you do for the ALI community. I can’t speak for others, but I know without the leadership you and a few others give, I’m not sure where I’d be. So I am sincerely appreciative to all of you for giving me a place I feel I belong.
I like that you do not pressure people to talk about their infertility issues….some families (mine) frown severely about even anonymously talking about this online. I love that people can participate in your blog on whatever level of disclosure about their personal stories that they choose.
*waving Hi*
I began blogging in 2007, and in 2008, I started a separate blog for my IF struggles.
When I began to look for other blogs that chronicled similar journeys, yours was one of the first that I hit. And yours was a virtual treasure trove. I realized that it was one place where number of bloggers facing the same stuff congregated.
I feel good about having met you. Your blog has actually helped me getting directions. I read the pages that were on your sidebar. It was participating in your expertly organized events that I have met some bloggy friends that I am still very thick with.
What you have done is invaluable. I did not comment when you wrote about visiting Washington and talking to people with the power to make changes, but please know that I was very proud of you.
I also love your analysis of issues, usually the most balanced voice that I read is yours.
I can’t remember how I found you. I was lost in my pain, anyway. And needed comfort and answers. And when I did find your blog, I knew that THIS was the place to be. And that YOU are the voice of this community. A community I was not aware of until I needed it. And as with every other blogger that now is on the holy-grail-list you put together (or has just discovered you), I was not disappointed.
You are smart, you are kind, you get each and every one of us, you say nice things when harsh(er) words are deserved. You are so funny, even when talking about heartbreaking elements of life. You are virtually the best bartender ever. 😉
You are our beacon. You are our leader. You may not want to, but you are nonetheless. You keep your head when we are losing ours and make light in dark issues. And I can say this knowing that it won’t ‘get to your head’, because you know all this already.
And I can’t wait to read your new book! 😉 I bet it’s just awesome.
I can’t remember how I ended up here. Probably it was googling “infertility” “blog” “humor.”
I like it here because I need to laugh about this journey sometimes, ya know? And the notion of a sort sisterhood that is NOT all moaning and also NOT all icky-optimistic really appeals to me. Thank you for being here, and for bringing together so many interesting bloggers.
Hi Mel,
I found your site about a year ago and didn’t know what a gem I’d stumbled upon. It took me some time to feel okay with sharing our story ‘publicly’ if even anonymously. But when I was ready, you were waiting for me. You’ve welcomed me to this community with resources, and links to others whose story resembles mine, and special projects like this one, and so many other meaningful ways to participate. I will be forever grateful to you for being here and waiting for me and connecting me. You’ve changed my journey in such a positive way, and the journey of so many others who never speak their voice through a blog or comments. You’ve built a movement that is changing lives of women, and couples, and families. This comment feels like such a small way to express my appreciation. If I ever meet you, and I do hope that I will, I have the biggest smile and warmest hug to offer you. Thank you Mel.
With my most sincere appreciation and celebration of YOU!
-Foxy
Mel, it might seem self-indulgent on the surface, but what you are doing here is something far more notable than that: you are giving a voice to that isolation and need for validation that can all too easily be pushed aside in these days of emoticons and txt messaging. The time taken to compose a thought that is a bit deeper than the average social media language allows has the power to affect a person deeply, freeing them for a time from their difficulties – whether they be IF or something else as equally confidence draining. Your blog is the gateway to my gaining greater understanding of my recent life. Hell, you’ve even noted my inane blog ramblings and brought a whole new hope – in the form of kind bloggers to my virtual door. I sincerely thank you for that and so much more I can’t explain right now!
I definitely need to start visiting people in this group again. It is an important idea. 🙂