The financial aspects of IF was actually what kicked this book out of our heads and onto the page. No, we’re not writing it to finance IVF or adoption (okay, so we all know full well how we’re planning to spend the advance–it’s nice to know that our writing has financed our entire parenting journey. The birth of a written piece truly equal the birth of a child in our case). This is how it began…

I came downstairs one morning and Josh was angrily writing a response to an advice columnist. He had followed an intriguing sentence from the “front page” of the online newspaper to read a question about adoption. This is the original question from Ask Amy (complete with her title to the question):

Couple should adopt new plan, not plea for cash
Published June 24, 2006 Dear Amy: My brother-in-law and his wife are adopting a child from another country.The couple has created a Web site about the impending arrival of their child. They are planning a baby shower.What seems strange to me and my husband about the excitement surrounding this adoption is that the couple also has requested financial donations from friends and family, including setting up a PayPal account to expedite these donations.We are aware of the costs associated with an international adoption, but such donations to finance it seem something of an affront to us.My husband and I are proud of their decision, as they are unable to conceive. Nothing is more life-affirming than providing a stable home for a child, regardless of country of origin. I suppose it is the request for money that has us concerned.As the parents of two children, we understand how much it costs to feed, clothe and educate a child. How can we relate this to them without squelching their excitement about the adoption?– A Concerned Relative

It’s funny; I have a different definition of “concerned” than this person.

This is Amy’s response…

Dear Concerned: Your husband should have a discreet conversation with his brother that can start something along the lines: “I’m worried that you and Sandy can’t afford this adoption. Is everything OK?”As you point out, one problem with this is that the expenses of child-rearing only begin once the child is brought home. If a couple can’t finance the mechanics of having a child (whether through the high cost of fertility treatments or of overseas adoptions), then perhaps they should wait for the blessed event until they are more financially secure. Domestic adoptions can be far less expensive, and if this couple hasn’t considered adopting an American-born child, then they should.Raising money in this fashion is a step way above and beyond gathering gifts (financial and otherwise) through a baby shower. Either this couple is very hard up for money or they feel entitled to use their child’s adoption as a way to raise funds.Either answer isn’t good.

Beyond the basic hypocrisy where gift registeries are “tasteful” and asking for money is “tacky” (even if money is what you need more than onesies with ducks–and gifts are suppose to be helpful), there is the basic lack of understanding in her response concerning (1) the financial strain of IF and (2) the concept that you receive the child you’re meant to have.

Amy, sweetheart–how would you have felt if the world demanded that you cough up college tuition BEFORE they would grant you a child. No, you wouldn’t have 18 years to save. You would have to cough it up. Right now. Because the cost of college (astronomical) is very similar to the cost of IF (whether you’re bleeding money through treatments, adoption, surrogacy…therapy…). And how would you feel if your friends could get pregnant easily–for free–but you had to pay out $20,000. Free vs. $20,000. Hmmm…I can see how this concerned relative has a great understanding of who can afford parenthood.

I deserve to be a parent. Even if I’m not rich. And if it takes a village to raise a child, it certainly also takes a village to make one when you’re faced with infertility. And when the opportunity comes along to be a parent, you grab it–regardless of your financial situation. You work it out. We wanted to scream at Amy, “do you think that the baby store will just put the child on hold for you until you can save up enough for payments?”

This isn’t a car. This is a child. And it’s the child this couple is meant to have.

I believe strongly in the adoption philosophy that the children you hold are the children you’re meant to have. That fate brings you together. And to have someone demean that and say, “You should pass on this child because you can’t afford her. Just wait until you’re financially secure and the next kid comes along…” fills me with rage. Especially with the idea that you can’t possibly comprehend the responsibility of parenthood until you are a parent. This concerned relative needs to step in (with Amy’s help) and set this couple straight.

It made us so sad when we saw this lack of understanding between the two sides–as well as how tightly the financial strains of infertility wrap themselves around the couple, suffocating their decision-making, filling them with frustration, stealing away other choices. The couple who now can’t afford a house because they spent their savings having a child. The couple who needed to take on an extra job and never see one another in order to fulfill their dream of becoming parents. Contrasted with the couple who have their child and THEN start worrying about finances.

I am simplifying this. Yes, we all need to make hard financial decision in our lives. We all forego things we want in order to have other things. Most of us live hand-to-mouth without any true savings. But the financial strains of IF are truly like pouring salt into an open, gaping wound. Reading Amy’s terrible advice is like dousing aforementioned wound with jellyfish venom.

Keep the financial stories coming. It’s an area of IF that is obviously fraught with misunderstanding between the two communities.

Heading into the weekend, I thought I’d throw out a nice, light topic that fills all of us with joy–financial considerations. Has a nice lilt to it. You can almost sing it when your heart is completely brimming with love and gratefulness towards insurance companies.

Unless you are a billionaire who drops $20,000 without blinking an eye, finances have probably guided some of your protocal decisions. Infertility is expensive and the financial strain is one of the many salts on the wound. As if it’s not enough that you’re giving yourself injections into your stomach or “depositing a donation,” you also have to make huge monetary sacrifices. Many times, when people are faced with infertility, they can’t even afford to get started building their family due to the astronomical costs involved with fertility treatments, adoption or surrogacy.

The question: how much did finances coming into play in your decision-making process? Did you forego attempting fertility treatments in order to have the financial means for adoption? Did you do many extra IUIs because you couldn’t afford IVF? How would your treatment schedule be different if money wasn’t an option and insurance was covering costs (or adoption was easily affordable)?

Of course, answers will probably differ if you are in the throes of primary IF vs. secondary IF. But how far were you willing to go financially to build your family and how did money figure into your decision-making process?

The first thing a Stirrup Queen needs after receiving that infertility label is a lady-when-waiting. Yes, the same concept as a lady-in-waiting—a confidant who is there to help guide you when making decisions as well as lend a shoulder for crying (because there will be crying). A type of personal assistant who can help you along during a grueling IVF cycle. But SHE is not “in waiting” for anything. Or, more realistically, her “waiting” is not of the infertility variety. The best type of lady-when-waiting is one who is completely there for you when you are waiting and does not expect a reciprocal effort on your part. And this is an important point.

Ladies-in-waiting are the friends you turn to in the chat rooms. The ones who are also doing the two-week-wait and are as anxious as you are. A lady-when-waiting will not be someone you lose because they become pregnant before you. They are someone who will be your rock. Who will be there for you from the first treatment until you hold a baby in your arms. Because the lady-when-waiting also realizes that your needs do not end with a BFP. A pregnancy post-infertility has highs and lows that make Everest look like a joke. That lady-when-waiting may need to be there for you even after you hold your child because Stirrup Queens have a higher rate of Postpartum Depression than the average female population.

*Yes, I am writing a very exclusionary entry that is aimed solely at the friendships of women because I have no idea at this point on the needs of men. And my husband is playing with his iPod (that isn’t a euphemism for anything—he actually is busy playing with his iPod). But I can say that even though he can talk something out with me for hours, at the end of the day, he is a man, and he probably would rather have a basketball partner than a lady-when-waiting. But he will post more on that later.

In England, the lady-in-waiting is traditionally someone related to you. Blood brings trust (unless…you know…you’re the bitter sister and you want the throne and you’re plotting on having family members knocked off). But we all know that our hearts tell us who would be the best person to support us. Sometimes it is a family member and sometimes it is fictive kin—a woman who knows us better than we know ourselves. Go with your heart.

Now here is the question—can you truly ask for this level of support or does someone need to give it before asking for it to be meaningful? Hopefully when this book is published, it will give people that level of understanding so they can give before being asked. At the same time, I think sometimes you need to turn to someone and tell her exactly what you need in terms of support. And people generally step up to the plate. If you do not have this person in your life…I don’t know. I feel like we should start a support program where you have that person in your life.

And now the ode to my Mommy. Because my Mommy is my lady-when-waiting. I am very lucky because I actually have two ladies-when-waiting. The other one will be serenaded in a later post that ties into a different idea. But this post is about my Mommy.

My mother also went through infertility. It took her eleven years to build her family through adoption, fertility treatments, and natural cycles. She weathered a huge storm in a day and age when fertility treatments were limited in their scope. Since we started this book, she has shared more and more of her emotions over infertility and parenting-after-infertility. But when we were going through infertility, she made it about us. She shared stories from time to time to let me know that I wasn’t alone. But reading back through old emails, I never realized how many times she sent words that were just for us when she could have delved back into her own pain through our experience.

Early on in our journey, I started to worry. Things just felt…wrong. I don’t have the best intuition and have certainly not predicted many other things in life, but I was certain before we ever started trying that we would have difficulties. A half a year into the process and my mother slipped into the role of my lady-when-waiting…

Infertility is determined after a year of trying. I know you don’t want to wait that long to see. This website is wonderful. Helpful without creating panic.
http//mywebmd.com/condition_center/inf
There are other sites I found but start with this one.
Love, Mom

(Yes, Mom, I do save all of your emails. Okay, most of your emails).

At the turning of the year, she made the phone calls for us and got us an appointment with the best fertility doctor at the best fertility clinic in the area (she researched it and presented us with two choices and the pros and cons of each choice). If she was going to the store, she picked up some things for us so I wouldn’t have to go. I could use those saved minutes to relax during a stressful cycle. She made phone calls for us and baked us banana bread. She sent emails that were short and heartfelt and got me through my day.

Hi hon,
I’m thinking about you and Josh. It seems unfair and such hard work just to conceive a baby. I’m always here if you want to talk.

When we got pregnant, we waited three days to tell her so we could confirm it at the clinic. It was torture not to tell her because she was my lady-when-waiting. She had gotten me over the chasm. I wish there were moments that you could record—not just visually, but through every sense, every emotional pore—to play back over and over again. Telling my parents I was finally pregnant was one of those moments.

She was by my side through the pregnancy, even sleeping at our house the night that I started bleeding heavily while at work. Josh out of the country on a business trip. She was so angry that I hadn’t told her to meet me at the doctor’s office. She met me at my house and fed me and put me to bed. I am still her daughter, even in my thirties. It gives me hope that my daughter will always be my little girl.

She has been there for me as I parent after infertility. Because it’s a different playing field at times. The pediatrician berates us for some of our decisions, acquaintances snicker. Some of our good friends who haven’t been through IF never understand. But my mother just stands by us and lets us make our decisions remembering the choices she made in order to hold onto our babyhood one day longer. She gets it. And even if she didn’t get it, even if she had never been through IF herself, when she signed on to be my lady-when-waiting, she signed on to support me.

The reality is that if we want to have more children, we will need to dive back into that awful, tumultuous sea and step back into Infertility Land (where I still have a time-share) to try again. Starting with just the infertility drugs and then moving to the procedures or adoption. And she has already stated how she will be my lady-when-waiting when we become brave enough for that travel. When she tells me what she’ll do, she makes the enormity of the situation so much more manageable.

And she did all this for us without asking. I know there are people who will say that every mother would do this for her child. But you and I both know that not every mother is cut out to be a lady-when-waiting. I hit the jackpot. If you do not have a mother who can be your lady-when-waiting, choose a friend or an aunt or a sister. And the whole point of this book comes from this concept—how to mold a Lady-When-Waiting (as well as the male equivalent). I learned from a pro. I would be honoured to pass along to your lady-when-waiting what I learned from my mom. I love you. Thank you so much—my lady-when-waiting.

Welcome back after a long holiday weekend (or, for all of you living overseas–a normal weekend). A special shout out to our neighbours up north for Canada Day (yes, Americans DO know about Canada Day. They just…er…forget to say Happy Canada Day…). And of course, if you are here in America, we hope your weekend was filled with sparklers (if they’re legal in your state), fireworks, and all the hamburgers/veggie burgers you could eat.

A discussion with my mum this weekend led to question number five. When she was going through infertility in the 60s and 70s, the only paths to parenthood were Clomid or adoption if you were going through IF. No IUI or IVF; no sperm washing or donor eggs/sperm (of course, the flip side was that without the option of abortions in the pre-Roe vs. Wade days more women put up their babies for adoption, hence adoption was a lot easier. My mother has a ridiculously easy adoption story for my sister in comparison to the hoops adoptive parents need to jump through today).

My mother’s point is that it’s easier today because there are more options. People at least can see a lot of hope before them because there are many things to try. My argument was that with all of the options out there, it’s difficult to limit yourself and ever say “enough is enough” because you always want to try one more thing. Also, the financial burden of fertility treatments make it more frustrating when there are things out there to try that you think might work, but you can’t afford them. This leads to a lot of couples/people heavily in debt with their bodies having gone through the grinder (anyone who has had a burst follicle will question the sanity of what you’re putting your body through).

Which leads to the question: would you rather be living in the 60s with fewer options or living in the aughts (is there a better word for this decade?) with many options? Which one do you think you’d be able to handle better emotionally?

Not that you can go forward or back in time. So this question is a moot point. But it helps define the way different generations approach IF and may help you understand how a different generation (eg. your parents) views your struggle.

Tune back later for an ode to my mother–the woman who was our rock through IF. Thank you, Mommy.

My heart goes out to a recent reader who began her comment with the thought that she doesn’t belong here (on this blog or in this book) because she had no difficulties getting pregnant. She lost her beautiful daughter at 38 weeks. She is struggling with the recent news of a sister who is pregnant. The reader shared her pregnancy journey with a friend who gave birth to a healthy child–a person who would have been her child’s playmate–and needs to navigate that relationship. She is healing. She is mourning. And she belongs here.

We define infertility with broad brushstrokes. It’s a diverse community–those who can’t get pregnant and those who continuously get pregnant yet miscarry. Those who are rich and can afford fertility treatments and those who need to quit their journey to parenthood due to financial means. Breathing inside this space are those who are using donor insemination, donor eggs, surrogacy, adoption, IVF, IUI, Clomid, or timed intercourse. Everyone is at different points in their journey. There are women who have been trying for 6 months but have the nagging suspicion that something is wrong because their cycles vary each month. And there are the 4 years veterans who have been dealing with 48 BFN and don’t know if they have the emotional wherewithal to face number 49.

We are defining infertility as someone who either has difficulties getting pregnant or has difficulties carrying a child to term.

Why this community needs to be inclusive–infertility is hard enough without second-guessing whether or not you belong on its streets. We frown on any level of comparative grieving. There should not be a hierarchy in the different classes of infertility. It is impossible to measure grief and it’s not helpful to quantify your grief (I’m mourning my miscarriage. Yeah, well, I’M mourning my stillbirth so my loss trumps yours. Really, well, I’M mourning the fact that I’ve had four miscarriages so my loss is worse than yours). It doesn’t assuage the pain of the other person. I’m not sure what people believe they are accomplishing with this type of comment.

There is a phenomenon that we’ve noticed–this need to apologize for your grief. This need to diminish your loss by comparing it to the loss of others. To be embarrassed to admit that you cry over a not-yet-child when there are others mourning the loss of a husband or wife that has been in their life for years and years.

I’m guilty of this same kind of thinking. I would cry and then in the same breath admonish myself for crying when there were people who had lost their whole family. What was my pain in comparison to theirs? I would lurk on the message boards and then feel guilty because I had only been trying for ten months, and how could I think that I was worthy to sit at the Infertility Girls Popular Lunch Table when those girls had been trying for three years AND had been through fertility treatments.

You know what–it did nothing to minimize my pain. You can’t talk yourself out of mourning. You can be distracted from mourning (and yes, infertility brings with it both literal mourning over the loss of a not-yet-child AND figurative mourning over the loss of how you viewed yourself as a woman/man), but it always has a way of creeping up on you in the dark. Damn those night time monsters under the bed…

Therefore, YOU belong here–and I’m saying this to all of you who have stumbled across this blog and later to all the people who stumble across the book. You have something valuable to add. You have something you need to vent. You have a story that will help others know the best possible way to support another person. Please keep posting in the comments section or writing us directly (thetowncriers@gmail.com). If your heart has ever hurt you belong right here.