Paring Back
One night, my freshman year of college, I went to hear a Buddhist monk speak. Part of the talk was about the freeing quality of owning less. It made no sense–the less you have, the more you’ll feel in control? Except that my life felt quite out of control at that point, so I was willing to give it the old college try.
I went back to my dorm room and dumped most of my possessions in the trash room down the hall. I removed every picture from my wall, gave away any book not necessary for my studies, and tossed out dozens of small items I had accumulated in the first six months of college.
I had a lot of regrets afterwards. I also did feel more in control in my life, less cluttered. There was thinking space.
I can’t make myself get into one of these decluttering states–they mostly come to me when I’m very anxious, but when they come, I always ride out the impulse, using it to reorganize, pare back, give away anything unneeded. I accumulate so much stuff. Drawers of tiny play-doh samples and twelve pairs of scissors and used birthday candles. I have dishes we never use, broken measuring spoons, a can of mandarin oranges we will never eat. I have more books than a library. I literally have several thousand books, a large chunk of which could be donated and put to better use.
I have been decluttering for a few weeks now. In the process, I’ve also been redecorating. One of the strange things about this house is that there are no doors on the closets. Every closet opening is a strange size and we need to get new doors cut to fit the space, except we’ve never gotten around to it. It occurred to me that I could put up a curtain in place of a door and buy myself more time to work on that project.
So Lindsay and I headed to IKEA for furniture and decorative items. We were debating between two choices–a white curtain with a black pattern that would have been safe in my white and black kitchen or an orange curtain that would make me happy every time I looked at it. Even though my head was telling me “white curtain white curtain don’t be a fool, Melissa, white curtain” my very loud heart simply said, “orange.” I went with orange.
It is not perfect, nor does it look very grown-up, but as Josh said, “it is whimsical and therefore, it’s you. And the orange is us. It makes me happy when I sit down to eat.” It does make me very happy. We all just like to sit in there now and talk at the table.
On the theme of decluttering, we went to the river for tashlich, which is part of Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. We stood at the river’s edge and figuratively threw into the water all that we didn’t wish to take with us into this upcoming year. A soul’s decluttering. Gone is the jealousy, the self-doubt, the bitter feelings. I mean, until they bubble up again. You know, since clutter usually returns.
In addition to telling us what has happened in your life in the last month, if you could grab an uninterrupted day to declutter and reorganize one room of your house, which would it be? Until this week, it would have been my kitchen. Now it’s my living room. What I would give to get rid of the huge pile of papers in the corner…
As always, it has been about a month since we met, bitched, cried, comforted, and caught up each other on our cycles and lives. Pull up a seat and I’ll pour you a drink. Let everyone know what is happening in your life. The good, the bad, the ugly. My only request is that if a story catches your eye, you follow it back to the person’s blog and start reading their posts. Give some love, give some support, or laugh with someone until your drink comes out of your nose.
I have a ton of assvice in my back pocket and as a virtual bartender, I will give it to you unless you specifically tell me that this is simply a vent and you do not want to receive anything more than a hug.
So if you have been a lurker for a while (or if this is your first open bar as someone who found this space through IComLeavWe), sit down and tell us about yourself. Remember to provide a link or a way for people to continue reading your story (or if you don’t have a blog–gasp!–you can always leave an email address if you’re looking for advice or support. If not, people can leave messages for that person here in the comments section too). If you’re a regular at the bar, I’ll get out your engraved martini glass while you make yourself comfortable. And anyone new, welcome. I’m glad you found this virtual bar.
For those who have no clue what I’m talking about when I say that the bar is open, click here to catch up and then jump into the conversation back on this current post.
So have an imaginary cocktail and tell us what is up with your life.
57 comments
Pulling up a seat at the bar. Because it's virtual land (and I can't drink because I'm stimming right now) I'll have a Mimosa please – seems like an appropriate drink for noon on Sunday.
Settling in for day 3 of shots … and trying to figure out how to tell my father that we're Infertile and seeking. He'll be in town on Thursday and it's not a conversation I'm looking forward to having. Unfortunately he will have to find out since I'll be making daily trips to the RE while he's here … and it's hard to hide a 3 hour absence daily.
I'll take a drink! A mimosa sounds good to me too, although I could probably use something a little stronger after my week at work.
My boss is a jerk (old news there), and we just hired a woman who sprung the news of her pregnancy on me during our first meeting.
I'm frustrated at having to wait until the end of Oct to get started with a new doctor, which means having to wait another 2 cycles before getting testing/bloodwork done.
Yeah, I could use a drink…
I'm going to have a mimosa because I'm celebrating. I found the holy grail of the blogosphere today.
I'll take a cranberry, orange, vodka, with a splash of lime juice. I'm pulling up a bucket to the bar because I literally have no furniture in my house except a bed, TV, and doggie pillow.
This last month has been a whopper. My first BFN from IVF1, hubby came home from Iraq, started IVF2, decluttered my entire house including the garage for our move, painted my entire house for renters, packers and movers have come and gone with our stuff and now just waiting to start stimming this week.
Scads of junk have been eliminated from my life. Clothes that don't fit, books I don't adore, extra tubes of lip gloss….gone, gone, gone.
It really is liberating!
Now, I'm going to get my mind clear so I can be calm and positive during this round.
So, cheers! Here's to getting rid of the extra crap (literally and figuratively) that doesn't matter.
I love your orange curtain Mel! 🙂
As for me, I will have a protein shake, since I am 29 weeks pregnant with triplets. Boy, does a vodka soda with a twist of lime sound great, though!
I want to give a virtual hug and support to all of you going through your IVF cycles. Most. stressful. thing. ever. Hang in there, Ladies.
For once, I do not feel the need to purge. I am usually a master declutter-er, tossing things out, visiting Goodwill often. Right now, while these boys grow inside me, and I prepare for their (please God) safe arrival, I am in a season of gathering.
I picture myself not casting out, but drawing all the love, strength and courage I can toward our family and our home as we prepare. I have still not rid myself of leftover IVF meds, books on recurrent miscarriage or even my used sharps. I will hold these things, until I feel it is safe to release them, to breathe out that huge sigh of relief, knowing the babies we've dreamed of for years are here. I cannot wait until the day where I feel safe enough to let go.
The Byrds said it well (borrowing from the Bible, of course):
"To everything – turn, turn, turn
There is a season – turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven
A time to build up, a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones
A time to gather stones together."
Hoping everyone finds what they need in this season of their lives.
I'd love anything. I haven't had a drink since January.
I'm still bleeding – since October. I finally gave up on my local doctor and am going back to my RE to see if he can figure out what is going on and get it to stop. I'm very tired.
all the real housewives of Atlanta drink their white wine with ice & since it is nearly 90 degrees right now that sounds divine.
My month began with my first real photography job- a wedding in Iowa. But I had to rush home two days early because the hospice nurses believed that my GM was passing away. And she is- but not as swiftly as we first thought.
And so I am blogging about fluffy and silly stuff because I can't quite express this duality of emotions that I am feeling: love for Grandmother and wanting her to stay forever and then love for Grandmother and wanting her to pass.
I also feel stuck in all other aspects of my life because this chapter is going on and on.
Something long and relaxing, please. It's been quite a month – extra stress at work, first IVF cycle cancelled due to a cyst, and now I'm busy trying every stress-busting technique in the book to try to get myself ready for the next cycle to begin. A virtual drink sounds as likely to work as some of the other things I've tried…
A water for me, please. The nausea… oh the nausea!! The biggest thing for us this month was finding out EXACTLY HOW WELL our IUI worked. It's twins! We are thrilled, of course, but I am terrified about caring for them in addition to our son, who will be 2. And will our bank account survive? It's feast or famine when it comes to conception in our house.
The room that we need to declutter is the loft. It's been full of boxes and papers and other junk since we moved in last summer. Time to get serious about the organizing, we have to fit two new bodies in here!
I'd love to have a Bloody Mary, please…
About 2 years ago, my aunt came up from VA and spent 3 days helping me declutter my upstairs and basement. I finally allowed myself to let go of my mother's possessions that I had brought home after her death 3 years prior.
I felt so free afterwards. Once I only had the stuff I really valued, I felt that I could move forward.
In waiting for my first IVF cycle to start, I've found myself looking around my house, thinking it's time to declutter again.
Thanks, Mel. I think I'm going to do just that.
AND I love the orange curtain 😉
Pulling up a La-Z-Boy recliner and ordering a bottle of Moet & Chandon Champagne. I've earned the rest and the splurge!
Yesterday was a very fun, exciting, pleasantly unexpected long, long day. I helped host a baby shower for my sister-in-law and didn't get home until 9:30 pm!
I got a phone call from my cousin as soon as I sat my exhausted self down… She was in labor!
Off I go again, downing some Diet Mountain Dew and ready for the long haul! Thankfully, she delivered a perfect baby boy shortly before midnight!
So, I am skipping out on the de-cluttering for now, though I have been slowly working on it from the basement up for the past 3 months!
Hiccup! I'll have another please!
I love the orange!
Anyway, I will take vodka and cranberry and keep em comin'. This has not been a good month for me. First one of my dogs got hurt some how and we have had to keep him still for the last few weeks which has not been easy. Then my other dog Katie jo who was older seemed to be doing really good and then all of a sudden she started having seizure after seizure. she had 12 within about 8 hrs. So we had to put her down last Monday. It has been very sad in my house without her. It was hard but I know it was the best thing for her.
Anyway, I am hoping to see my RE in the next month to get back started with TTC after a long break and I am hoping next month is much better.
I can not stand clutter so I have been doing a lot of reorganizing now that I have been out of work. The one room I have been avoiding is my laundry room so I guess that would be my choice.
I'll have anything to drink. I have nothing in the house except water and I don't really like water.
I love the orange curtain. I would have gotten it too.
If I could declutter, I think I'd have to go with the garage first. Then the guest room, then Matt's office, then our bedroom. That ought to do it.
Serve me something orange.
By the way, the curtain your heart led you to is the color of the 2nd chakra, the one that governs fertility and creation.
Mwah!
Gin and tonic with lime for me.
I love the orange curtain!
We just completed our second of three training sesions to be certified to foster/foster-to-adopt/adoption. Lots of conversation to be had about ages, issues, race, etc.
As far as IF, going to have food intolerance testing and then do an injectible cycle in 2 months w/o IUI. 5 years of IF. Getting tired of waiting, and still having hormonal issues.
Probably need another drink and then a nap!
I actually like the orange curtain, I think it adds colour 🙂
I wanted to do some kind of tashlich this year, but as I have never done it before, I didn't really know how to go about it (didn't want some kind of religious ceremony, or any ceremony for that matter).
I'll have a mimosa on the patio, please. It's been a gorgeous, sunny, not-too-hot weekend and I just bought a new washer & dryer at the mall today, since my 19-year-old pair is on its last legs. Of course the saleswoman asked if we had kids at home. Ugh.
It's been a busy month — went back to work after a nice long vacation. In the last two weeks, three colleagues got married, one had a baby & headed off on a year's maternity leave, & one just returned from her year off on mat leave. Everyone is full of excitement and talk and plans about weddings & babies — and I feel so damned old. How much longer before I can retire??
My entire house could use a good decluttering, but I would probably start either in our office/scrapbooking room or in the basement.
Decluttering definitely needs to occur in the garage. We undertook a *major* overhaul and paring down last fall before we rented our place and left for Japan. But we could only get so much done then and some of it ended up in the garage – where it still is despite our best efforts to clean and purge some more this summer (before we rent out our place this fall). I've learned that living a more nomadic lifestyle as we've been doing in the last year has helped me to prioritize what stuff I *really* need or want and what I stuff I can totally live without. I love it!
I'll have a nice deep dark merlot. We're not "preventing" any more (haven't been in 9 months) but pregnancy looks far, far away once again….*sigh* Might as well enjoy some good, good wine.
I would love just a few sips of a decent malbec. And how I need to declutter! I've been slowly trying to work on it, but it's slooow going. And when I think of what I need to accomplish just in the next 10 days, the clutter puts me right over the edge. I just can't think about it right now, I guess.
I like the orange. It seems exuberant.
I am ashamed to admit the piles of paper, books, and random crap on my dining room table. I would dump everything off that table.
I'll have tea. Earl Grey. Hot. With milk and honey.
Mandatory overtime daily for the third week in a row. My husband out of town on business all week. Me sick for the past two weeks, with a trip to Urgent Care this morning. Scheduled for wisdom tooth extraction in a couple weeks. And TTC again, but not without misgiving about my health.
I've spent pretty much the entire last month in the hospital for preterm labor, supposed to get out soon. By the time the next Lushary comes around, these babies will probably be on the outside.
I'll take any drink in a real glass — it's been sippy bottles and plastic cups for the last month.
The office needs a lot of work. It dawned on me last week that the extension on my 2008 taxes would soon expire and that I'd better get them over with before these babies show up. It took over an hour of me talking DH through it over the phone just for him to locate some of the papers I need. I am extremely organized by nature and things up until a certain point (i.e., when I did the prior year's taxes) are perfectly sorted and put away into color-coded file folders, but everything after that point is dumped into a huge pile on the floor. Just thinking about that dusty pile makes me want to sneeze.
Oh, and Mel: Do you really want to reuse candles off of which someone licked frosting months ago? Gross. (Unless you're a non-licking household.)
The used birthday candles are very helpful for starting a fire, if you have a fireplace or know someone who does. That's also what I do with the wax from the outside of cheese, when I'm thinking of it — but you have to burn the cheese wax right away or the mice come, at least in my house.
I haven't really drank in a long time so I'll just stick with a diet coke. Although, white wine would be good right about now.
It took us 2 years of trying and a couple of rounds of IUI to get pregnant with our son. He is now 2-1/2 years old and runs us ragged. We decided we'd try again and just see what happened and sort of let the cards fall as they did. Imagine our surprise when we got pregnant in 4 months, on our own. Then at our 20 week US they discovered a birth defect. The pregnancy was fine, although lots and lots of monitoring and doctor's visits. Our daughter was born and she was beautiful. She lived for 27 days in the PICU. We thought she would pull through, but the treatment she was on and an unexpected infection proved too much for her little body. She was one hell of a fighter, but in the end, it was just too much for her. I held her for the 20 minutes it took her to die. I had thought trying to get pregnant with my son was the most stressful thing I'd ever go through. I wish I had been right. It's been 4 months since she died, I think about her every day, and I already have people asking if we are going to try again.
Yeah, definitely, screw the diet coke…I'll take the wine. A whole bottle in fact!
Glad to join everyone at the bar. It's not really a bar drink … but I'd love a caramel apple cider. Makes me think of fall and crisp fallen leaves, and the Renn Fest, and freshly sharpened pencils.
It's September, so I am still settling in to this new school year. I am a school librarian.
As for fertility stuff … I am in limbo land right now. Our 2nd IVF cycle was another chemical pregnancy. So we are having bloodwork to see what's wrong. Possibly some kind of blood clotting issue. I just hope whatever is wrong is diagnosable AND treatable! I really want to move forward and try something. I hate waiting … and yet infertility seems to be one big fat waiting game.
Oh Clarissa, my sincerest condolences.
~*~
I, too, am decluttering. Or trying to, anyway, it's hard with work, the Chieftain, and just trying to keep up with everything else. I'm just too tired to declutter most days of the week, and my days off are the same as every other day except I don't get paid for the work I do.
I'll take some water, I think.
Clarissa, sorry to hear about your daughter.
I'll sit next to you if that's ok and drink whatever you're drinkin'…
Clarissa–
I'm so sorry. You're in my heart tonight.
Do you have a blog? A way people can connect with you?
I Love Love the Orange curtain!
My DH just redid our small master bath and I picked orange for the walls! I love it and it makes me happy when I look it, just like your curtain. So glad you picked the option that makes you feel good.
hm, well i'm having a miller lite right now, so maybe another?
i LOVE the orange curtain. I choose happiness over 'matching' any day! woot!
not much going on with me. still ttc but w/o the stress of medicated cycles. we plan on moving next year, so new RE and all of that fun. it's nice having sex for fun again! woot!
I love the orange curtain. I originally thought the picture was from Ikea of one of their display areas, because it looks so natural there.
I think I need a gin martini. Or a grappa. Yeah, I'll take a grappa. Something strong to kick this cold out of my head.
We're jumping back on the IF train, I think. I just filled out all the papers to get back into the RE's office to try for number 2 – since it had been more than 2 years, I had to do the whole 13 pages of medical history all over again. Fun. I still feel a bit conflicted about it. When we went off the pill this time, I assumed I'd either stop ovulating like when we were trying for Z, or I'd get pregnant. Neither has happened. So I don't know what the RE will say. I'm afraid he'll tell me we have to wait and keep trying on our own.
Oh, and I'm totally feeling the declutter bug. I'd start in the dining room or front hall. And then hit the office / library.
A shiraz, please.
I am decluttering too. We are trying to move. We have twins on the way, and haven't been able to find a more suitable place. Even though we haven't found a place yet, I am starting to put things into boxes/giveaway bags and placing them into storage. At least that will give our apartment some more space! And as long as we are all healthy, we will be okay wherever we are. (That being said, can't wait to move to neighborhood with more of a community feel).
Wishing you a happy and healthy new year.
Clarissa- my most sincere condolences on you terrible loss.
I guess I'll take some sparkling water with lime twist. I'm in week 6 of my pregnancy (the furthest I've ever gotten!) and still pretty nervous (despite a great first u/s).
My de-cluttering projects are many, but I probably should focus on my office.
Clarissa, I only just saw your comment up above. You and your family are my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry to hear about your daughter.
I'll take a vodka tonic. I went through a decluttering phase last month and got rid of at least a ream of old and useless paperwork. I don't declutter too often, because I don't like to let clutter accumulate much. Plus, my husband would prefer to have no material possessions, so I guard my favorite things viciously, while throwing the disposable things in his path when he's on a decluttering tear.
My month has been…transitional? My husband started working again – training for a position overseas -which means I get to be single parent again. My daughter has returned to daycare after a summer off, and she's about to start potty training boot camp. I'm tired just thinking about it…more vodka please.
Clarissa, I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter. It sounds like she was very tough and very brave, as you are.
I'm leaning over the crowd at the bar, begging for a mojito. Make it two.
This past month has been about me finishing up the details for my upcoming wedding, and figuring out how I can balance all of that with a huge upcoming project at work and trying to support a friend through IVF #3. I never quite know what to say during this time period between transfer and the Big Test Day.
I've also been doing some decluttering. Last month was all about the garage. I donated both kids' bikes, which were too small and in the case of the boy, had been ridden once, as well as a bunch of other stuff. I'm a binge-and-purger when it comes to stuff. I love letting go of it, but like you said, clutter bubbles up again … and again … and again.
And to Clarissa, I am so, so sorry for your loss. There are no words.
I love the orange too!
I'll have a Captain and ginger ale! lots of ice. yum!
It has been about 3 weeks since the referral of our baby girl. I know it will be a few more months until we can travel to get her. It is driving me crazy that she is growing without me!
I recently moved our youngest son in the room with his two brothers. It has been quite and adjustment period. The "baby" keeps calling for the older ones to get him out of his crib!
So, I really need to clean and get the clutter out of the nursery – and paint some pink! The garage could also use a lot of work, but that's not as much fun!
It's a crowded bar and I don't mind waiting for my dirty martini with a splash of tabasco. While I wait I'd like to compliment Mel on the choice of curtains and give Clarissa a big hug.
So sorry Clarissa.
I love the orange curtain.
I'm in the middle of a late period? chemical pregnancy? (don't really know what to call it), but trying to look and the good things in my life. Including the fact that we're going to Ecuador next month to visit my sister. So in honour of that I'll have a mango mojito which she tells me are wonderful.
I need a drink so badly … a virtual pomegranate martini, please! I'm on IVF#1 and just had my first egg retrieval yesterday and am so nervous to get the fertilization report. I wish I could fast forward to embryo transfer (heck, I hope we make it there). Too much stress …
I'd give my right arm for a drink right now. ANY drink. I got laid off last Monday and I'm 30 weeks pregnant! WooHoo!!
So for now, just make it a virgin margarita. But after this baby is born……
ICLW
Hi, I'm April and I'll take a Long Island. This I can drink virtually since IRL I have the tolerance of a gnat.
I'm finally getting started on tests in October, we think. My annual is on the 18th and I'm refusing to leave until there are tests scheduled. I feel I have that right after 2 years of in vain trying w/o any advice other than "Use an OPK".
I left my old job and have started a new job as a temp at a place I've been sending resumes for mnths and now I"m not sure about it.
We have gotten a puppy in the last 2 months so I am decluttering my house through the pup's help. Apparently he feels that it is his job to destroy something every day, including his crate pad, my DVDs, 3 different BBT thermometers in a week, and all the shoes you can shake a stick at. This has led to a cleaning binge which has led to a reclaiming of my bedroom. This has made me happy because I no longer feel stressed walking into there. Now if I can find the computer room, I will feel content with the house.
Thank you for the chance to vent. I appreciate the open bar!
I like the orange curtain. It looks nice. Shana tova. I had never heard of tashlich until just yesterday when our high holy day cantor was talking about it
ICLW
love the new curtain..it's awesome.
I too, love a new look. A new shower curtain can make my whole world brighter. Good for you.
I'd probably pick the kitchen or my room to declutter. I really need to get into one of them and start giving stuff away again.
nothing is new in my life, just lots of "talking" and "walking" and dancing at random. it's cute and exhausting and totally worth the 4 yrs it took to get here. 🙂
Pour me a sweet tea with extra ice.
I don't have a blog (gasp!) YET, but Mel has encouraged me to start one. While I've spent a lot of time reading here, I have never left a comment, but today seemed as good a day as any to start. Today is the first day I've been on Stirrup Queens since the results of my husband's SA which was pretty awful and gave us all the answers as to why we haven't been able to conceive after almost two years. Depressing. Devastating. And then the "helpful" comments from well-meaning individuals come flowing in. It was bad enough when we didn't have answers, but now it's even more grating. My personal favorite came from my father-in-law, a normally thoughtful person, who told me, "Not having children isn't the end of the world. At least you have each other." I just can't imagine anything LESS helpful. And this from the man who fathered five children!
But I want to let everybody, especially Mel, know how much your sharing has meant to me through the testing and diagnosis phase. I do not feel alone because of you.
Anything with caffeine, please! In WUB from Friday's FET and trying to be good has created a monster of a headache.
DH has spent more time away on work than he has home and it's killing me, along with the yard work project he was expected to be around to supervise. The biggest bummer, is that he's not expected to be around for the beta next week.
Well I'm late again. I'll have a whiskey and 7up. I love your orange curtain Mel. It's very fun.
I totally need to declutter. I have soooo much stuff and there is so much of it that I don't use. Yet whenever I go through all of it I can't quite imagine getting rid of it. The most ironic thing about it is that so much of it is either from my house in Washington (curtains and such) that I want to put in another house someday because I loved them or it's stuff I have collected over the years for my someday baby. Books, clothes, blankets and such. I can't seem to part with so much of it.
I will take a pint of Guinness and some nachos please! Those two things always go together in my mind, even though I don't drink very often.
My mom is a Buddhist, and de-cluttering is something she (and I) always struggle with. As I am helping my Grams move into a high level care facility, I am discovering that she has issues with clutter as well! Genetics!
This cycles scheduled HSG/Clomid/IUI was cancelled due to DH's low sperm count. So, now we get to find out how to deal with that. Plus we are in the middle of deciding to re-jigger our insurance so we have better IF coverage.
I'll have a glass of Shiraz, please. Just one to calm my thoughts.
If I could declutter something in my home, it would be my garage! There are SO many boxes of STUFF that need to be gone through. Most of it need to be thrown away, too. Stuff from my husband's childhood and a few of mine. It all needs to be sorted and put SOMEWHERE!
I'm having some trouble with this whole grieving process. I'm finding that I have to tell myself "it's OK to grieve". I'm too hard on myself and when I start to miss my mom, I convince myself that since it's been almost 4 years, I should be fine. It never works. The grief and the sadness always find me. Does anyone else feel that way, too? I hope this is all "normal", but it's my first time, so I really have no idea.
Your curtain is beautiful and bright. I'm glad you're enjoying it.
*HUGS*
I will have a bud light, I am beer girl these days.
Past month has been getting better. Therapist is opening my mind up to all kinds of things, why didn't I see her sooner ? Dh & I are starting to talk about redoing the 100 yr. old farmhouse we bought…finally !