How to Leave a Good Comment (Part One)
I am slowly emerging back into the world of the living, by which I mean that I am contemplating taking a shower and eating something more than a banana. Since I don’t have the brain power to discuss the dafookness of TLC’s My Monkey Baby, I am instead turning this over to a discussion on commenting in honour of IComLeavWe.
I have often bitched that the almighty comment gets short shrift. Posts win awards. Posts get Kirtsy’d. Posts are talked about and dissected and read aloud. Posts get projects named after them and inspire Writer’s Block and make some sites millions of dollars (millions and billions and trillions of doll-ahs!).
But what does the comment get?
People complain that they don’t get enough comments or they wish they could have more comments or that they can’t think of anything to write in the comment section. People delete comments. We ball them up like garbage and toss them out sometimes. And people use the beautiful comment box to spew hatred or shit on someone’s day or write about a! great! new! penis! enhancement! tool! you! should! know! about!
We took back the comment with IComLeavWe, and that’s a good first step. But I think we need to write and think and speak about comment leaving much in the same way we write and think and speak about blog post construction. Obviously I think that or I would write so fucking often about it (I know, some of you are rolling your eyes and saying, “great, Mel talks about commenting again. I wish she’d get back to anagrams or return to vomiting up breakfast.”).
Where were we?
I think there are six main areas that need discussion and these correlate to the chief harbingers of questions: who, what, where, when, why, how?
I’m going to talk about the first three (who, what, where) in this post, and the last three (when, why, how) in the next post. These are my thoughts on the topic, and I’d love to hear yours too (hey! In the comment section!) because it’s a topic that deserves its own discussion. Really.
Who
Some people are squeamish about commenting on a site if they haven’t commented before. Or jumping into a discussion on adoption if they’re doing IVF. Or comforting someone after a loss if the commenter has children. And all these things are thoughtful ideas, but the flip side is that a lot of good thoughts then go unsaid (probably some terrible thoughts also go unsaid though).
The reality is that if people have a comment box open, they are welcoming feedback or support or accolades. Comment boxes are easy to close–even on a post by post basis. I do think it’s a good idea to hang back for a post or two if you don’t know the blog at all and get a sense of the author and his/her story before doling out advice or opinions. But insofar as simply leaving a congratulations or an “I’m sorry”–those I don’t think require a special understanding of the author.
It’s thoughtful to try to save the other person hurt feelings from seeing support come from someone who is very much the polar opposite of the situation at hand (a parent comforting someone going through pregnancy loss, a newlywed comforting a widower, etc), but the answer is not to ignore the other person. They just spilled their heart on the screen; it seems cruel to just click away. The answer is to be simple, take the focus off of you (you don’t have to link to your blog with some commenting systems), and know that while few want to hear criticism from someone outside (or inside) the community when they’re processing something difficult, most would not be angry to receive unconditional support when it is worded simply and thoughtfully. And those who don’t want comments at all tend to close their comment box on a post.
But those are my views, and they’re based in a belief that good thoughts often come from places where we least expect them. Another Iffer is probably a great person to offer comfort after a failed cycle. But there are also people outside the community who simply have empathy. And some of the best advice I ever received and used to get through infertility had nothing to do with my reproductive organs. I simply took dating advice or job advice and applied it to a different situation.
Everyone needs to have a first time commenting on a new blog and if we all hold back and wait for another person to comment first, we’ll never start the conversation.
What
What is pretty straightforward: it’s the definition of a comment. I’d define the comment as a verbal hug. A written head-nod. Comments can be critical, when the criticism is used to address a point with the purpose of coming to new understanding. In other words, just as you’d point out something in a person’s line of reasoning if you were having a conversation with them, you’d do so in the comment box.
What comments are not: bait to reel someone towards a different space, real estate on another person’s blog to talk about the commenter, or a hate speech receptacle (whether it is directed at the author or a larger group of people).
Where
Er…usually at the bottom of the post. Sometimes at the top of the post. A lack of comment box means that the writer probably doesn’t want to hear from other people.
Okay, now discuss. Remember, I’m talking about commenting used right–not commenting used wrong.
Since where is pretty self-evident, start with what does commenting mean to you? What are your thoughts on new commenters (if they do so thoughtfully) especially those outside your experience (for instance, someone commenting on an adoption post though they’re doing IUIs)? What about long-time commenters leaving simple comfort on a post when their experience is far outside your own (in other words, a person with children leaving a comment on a IVF cancellation post)? Do you ever close your comment box on a post? Do you feel comfortable commenting on a new blog and what makes you feel like a comment is welcome vs. strangers keep out?
I don’t think we will come to a consensus, nor do I think that one philosophy should trump others. But this is food for thought for how you guide commenting on your own blog in the future. Consider posting what you need insofar as comments at the bottom of the post (“I’d love comfort, but no advice, please”) or closing comments from time to time. I try to always listen to the wants of others (though I can’t help it if I’ve missed the request). If a person says they hate seeing comments from people with kids, I don’t comment over there. If they mention how much comments mean to them, I do my hardest to make sure that I leave one from time to time.
Of course, we are all cramped for time so this is not to make you feel guilty for not leaving more comments (seriously, I need to work on this too), but to talk about using the comment box better.
As for myself, I welcome new commenters and old commenters–both inside and outside my personal experience–because it’s through that back-and-forth that I always learn something new, see my own words in a different light, or gain insight into the way I’m seeing the world. The advice I’ve gotten from the comment box is invaluable–better than any backyard fence. The hurt I’ve also gotten from the comment box is fodder for a different post because this is where I want to talk about what we do right–how we use commenting to create an ongoing conversation.
37 comments
Great post, Mel. I am a big big fan of the comment. I make an effort to be thoughtful and relevant when I comment and generally if I read a post I comment – unless I am in a funk.
And I love getting visitors from all parts of the IF world too. That’s just me though. I agree that even if you aren’t an expert in the topic under discussion a really simple expression of empathy can be very welcome and totally appropriate. Glad you are all on the mend and interested to hear that you have moved from Nascar toTLC!
I always welcome comments of any kind. From the people I like to read to the idiots, comments are both validation and interesting links to other things. I also frequently read the comments in the posts I’m going to comment on. It’s like having an open ticket on the train – I can get off and explore a new place or continue to my destination.
I use Lost & Found to find new blogs to read, because IComLeavWe seems like too much of a commitment for me. I usually follow back any commenters to check out their blog. A lovely person has left a couple comments on my blog lately. Unfortunately, when visiting her blog, I find myself unable to comment because my beliefs are so diametrically opposed to hers that I can think of nothing non-offensive to comment. That’s my downfall – I have a hard time resisting the urge to write what I really think, and I’m terrible at expressing emotions, which can limit my commenting.
Comments are the community portion of blogging. Without them, you would get no feedback. You would have page visit counts, but no response to your ideas.
I’ve had some of my best support from non-infertile people, who are just empathic and kind and, err, read the post before they comment on it. And one of my more disappointing moments was when a commentator who up until that point I had liked gave me a face-full of advice. On a post in which I had said, in exactly these words, please do not give me any advice on this. I have issues with the subject and even the best, most sweetly meant advice will hurt me; so please, no advice.
So, yes, for heaven’s sake, read the post thoroughly before commenting.
Anyway. I am a shy flower, and very, very bad at barging in on blogs I’ve never commented on before. I will, I will, I will get over myself. Thank you for the gentle nudge.
People who have 50, 60, 100 comments at a time. Do they still want or care about the comments? Is there any point adding your nod of the head at that point?
Hope you and your family are all getting well. My heart went out to you, all four of you sick at once. That is BAD.
I remember when I started my blog that never really thought people would read it. I was desperately feeling alone as I approached my first IVF cycle with my husband gone and only my dog to talk to (no, she has not to date talked back). When I ran across your website, I discovered this whole world of people who get it. As I started commenting on people’s website for moral support, they turned around and started reading mine.
You are so right in that comments are the verbal hug. I welcome all supportive or thought provoking comments in my blog-land because quite frankly, I could use all the hugs I can get! It keeps me sane to know others understand and care enough to say something. 🙂
Hope you feel better soon.
When I first started blogging, and for a long time after that (and to some extent still), I was afraid of comments. I was afraid to know who was reading and how crazy they might think I was. I am slowly (after three years of blogging!) getting more comfortable with getting comments. I really appreciate supportive ones, and I don’t mind other views as long as they are worded nicely and not attacking.
On giving comments, I don’t do it nearly often enough — out of shyness or laziness. When I do comment, it’s because I really relate or have information or a story to share. In a general way, I spend far too much time worrying that people will think ill of me (for what I write on my own blog or in the comment box) and not enough time trying to make connections and give support. I pledge to try to get better about this. You are a great example to all of us!
I *heart* my comments, good, bad, positive, negative, giving advice, telling me like it is, it’s all good.
Like me, I know some people are having great days when they comment on my blog but I also know that they have just as many bad days when they comment as well and you know what, that’s fine, that’s life, it happens.
I’m always honest in any comments I leave on anyone’s blog. It might not be what they want to hear, they might not like it, they might take offence but I’m always forthright and honest and if I leave a comment that I know may cause heartache or anger, I explain why I’m saying what I’m saying and try to say as diplomatically as possible what I want to say.
I never delete comments but then I’ve never really had any nasty comments left but if I did, I’d leave them there, if I wasn’t happy to receive all comments then I’d turn comments off but I choose not to.
I also love comments, though I sometimes have a hard time leaving them. I try to leave thoughtful comments, which are hopefully well written. This is is probably why I leave fewer than I would like. It can take me a few minutes to formulate my response.
I love comments, and try to always link back to their blogs to leave comments as well. In that, I feel like I have a little team of people in a similar situation to mine all wishing each other well. I welcome comments from anyone – no matter their situation. And, I’m not too shy about commenting on new blogs. I think I tend to tread lightly at first until I’ve gotten a better feeling for the story, but am not afraid to leave a “thinking of you” type comment. I sometimes hesitate to comment when I think my doing so might cause stress to the recipient. For example, I was diagnosed with a hematoma and later miscarried. I’ve been following others in a similar situation. They’ve had posts where they’ve verbalized their fear of miscarriage. While I wanted to reach out and give the “verbal hug” I didn’t for fear that they’d link back to my blog and find out about my miscarriage. That would negate the verbal hug in my opinion.
I’ve only ever deleted one comment, and that was when the commenter was using my blog as a way to get traffic to theirs. The comment had nothing to do with the story. It annoyed me, so I got rid of it.
By the way, Mel, I saw your quote in Redbook Magazine about hobbies. How exciting!
I agree- you say things so well. I do find myself guilty of reading the posts in my google reader, and not commenting. I hate it when I do that- I really do try and leave comments. Even if it is just a “YEAH” or “That really sucks”.
I have only ever deleted one comment- one that told me I was a racist/ageist bigot b/c I was surprised the person cussing on the other end of a drive thru speaker box was a 70 or 80 year old woman. I then said “well, I didnt’ mind as much- I would be cussing too if I had to work at that age”. BLAM- she left a nasty comment that wasn’t even what I meant. blah.
I comment little, but read a lot. I love reading IF blogs. They are my therapy. I want people to comment on what I write as long as they aren’t cruel…check out stanseljourney.blogspot.com where they talk about losing their 4th child that’ll make your blood boil. Our blogs are our emotions and a way to feel a part of a community. Feesback is welcome.
I love getting comments and I try to comment on everything I read, though when I am in a fuck I don’t or if I’m new to the blog and feel really out of depth (like it’s an experience I don’t have and feel they might not want somebody who doesn’t understand commenting.) I worry a lot about my “voice” coming across the wrong way which makes me write inane platitudes.
I have closed comments once or twice when I was completely depressed (like when Al failed the bar again) and just didn’t want to even hear comforting words because I knew that people cared, but also knew that they would struggle with the right words to say because there WERE no right words that would make me feel better – I just needed to cry on my own and seeing that other people were also powerless to change the situation would have made me feel worse if that makes any sense.
I like comments; I like getting them and I enjoy leaving them. I also like to read comments, to discover how others have responded to a post. I usually learn a lot there as well. As for deleting comments, I haven’t done that. I suppose I’ve been fortunate, but no one has tried to sell their male enhancement products. I get those comments from people who want me or others to visit their blog; I usually check the page out but rarely do they get added to my reader. And they don’t comment more than once so no e-relationship is formed.
Also – please get better my friend. I hate to think of you, Josh, and the kids laying in bed glassy eyed trying to force down bananas.
I love comments because are are given a different perspective on your own words and that is a very unique experience. I love commenting, because in this community, it is how we get to know eachother and communicate. Thanks Mel for yet another interesting post.
Sending you lots of get well thoughts, hoping you all have a much better week than you did last.
Sorry for all the crap typos in that last one!
I love my comment box and I love to leave comments! I will admit that sometimes I don’t leave comments because I feel as if I have nothing meaningful or useful to say.
I use to be afraid to leave comments on a new blog, especially if they were going through something I haven’t ever gone through. Then I started blogging about my mom’s death and all the crap that went with it. I got comments from people who still have both their parents but gave me wonderful support. They gave me advice or picked me up and had no “idea” what I was going through because they hadn’t had a parent die. Since then, I’ve felt more comfortable leaving comments, even if I have never gone through that type of situation before. For me it’s all about giving support and making someone feel good aftre reading my comment.
I’ve never felt the need to close my comment box, but I have apologized for my feelings. I had a really rough day the other day and I posted about feeling “invisible” to my family. I thought some people might take offense to that because they don’t have children. Someone left me a comment and told me NEVER to apologize for how I’m feeling. I’ve heard it before from comments, even had email discussions about it but it took me that one comment to “get” it.
I’ve never had someone leave a rude or disrespectful comment on my blog before. That’s not true, someone did but that was spam. I’ve never had someone that usually reads my blog say something hurtful to me. Someone once disagreed with my opinion, but she did it in a very respectful way. I hope I’ve done the same to all the wonderful blogs I read.
Sending all of you LOTS of feel better vibes and lots of love!
*HUGS*
I love comments!
I especially enjoy comments with personal experiences of readers related to my entry. Good, bad, advice, question, rambling, one liner, all are welcome.
I do, however, slightly moderate comments, if they are offensive to people other than me, or contain information that I deem too identifying for anyone. You can bash me, that will go through!
I comment on quite a few different blogs….IF, adoption, CF, parenting. I love to comment.
The only thing that bothers me a tad is when the blogger does not acknowledge that you are commenting on their blog. It leaves me with a sense of “Does this person mind that I am commenting? Does this person appreciate my comments?”
I did stop commenting on one blog because I never got a response back–after 10 or more comments.
I know I have said this before.
This is really interesting – I have often wondered how we’ll work out an etiquette for this new form of communication. Many times, I don’t quite know how to behave when commenting. Like, when to intervene, do I have to have something new to say? And, is it rude to lurk?
For my own part, I didn’t get comments for ages – blogging was just to keep a record. It was so much fun to get them – like discovering little men are in the computer – and my comment-ers are so funny and sympathetic, I love hearing from them. I will never get in a huff if I don’t, though. No negative or unwelcome comment yet. I wonder how that might go down with me..
Recover soon. Poor you, it sounds awful!
I love getting comments, and if I don’t answer them individually I do at least try to acknowledge them in some way. I also visit the blogs of the commenters and often (but not always – because sometimes I don’t feel I have anything useful to add) leave them comments as well – it’s a way of opening up an extra line of communication.
I’m not so good at leaving comments generally – particularly for well-established blogs or ones that seem to have a lot more readers than mine, I sometimes feel as though I’m too ‘new’ to intrude. I feel different when I come on here, because you make it so clear that you welcome comments from first-time commenters as much as anyone else.
Despite the complete openness on my blog about the inner workings (or non-workings) of my body, I’m quite a shy little thing really…
I blog, therefore I love the feedback that commenting provides. It has been mentioned above, however, I’d like to say that no matter how many comments I have on a particular post, the next comment is always as special as the first one on the topic, IMO.
I appreciate assvice and virtual hugs … it’s all a form of support to me. Just the fact that people find my musings interesting, that is enough for me.
I also try and take time to read all of the comments on a blog before I make my own comment/opinion known.
Lastly, for those that would like comments back, I wonder how many people check the box to ask for return feedback … just a thought.
…. Hope you are feeling better Mel …
I always *heart* your blogging advice. You are helping me become a better writer … and I truly appreciate it.
I comment much less than I read: either I feel like someone else has already put much better words to use or I have nothing further to add. I need to remember that I appreciate each and every comment of support, even when they are worded the same, and return the favor, even when I feel like more of the same words won’t make a difference to someone else.
First let me say, I’m glad you’re feeling better. I was saying little prayers all weekend that your family was getting lots of rest and feeling better. Now, I love comments! I don’t care who they are from. I haven’t received a nasy one yet, but I guess when I do I’ll just deal with it then. Sometimes I feel bad for just reading someone’s post and not commenting. Sometimes I don’t feel I have anything to add to what they’ve already said. But, knowing how much I appreciate comments, I will try and do better in the future. Even if all I say is, “I enjoyed reading your post.”
I love comments because numbers on the “counter” mean zero to me. It’s the fingers that take the time to hit the keyboard to validate that something I wrote resonates, that means something to me… and it is the reason why I try and comment as much as possible. Especially on those who are on my blogroll. I just add people from SITS when I can to my blogroll….
Very glad to hear that you are coming out of the other side of the nasty flu.
I enjoy reading the comments on all of the blogs that I read. Sometimes they’re just as interesting as the posts that inspire them and I learn a lot from the multiplicity of personal experiences that people cite. I pick up a lot of helpful things about coping from people who are using different methods of building their families and I am extremely grateful for the relief I gain from just getting the feeling that some of the horrible thoughts and feelings I’m dealing with are, in many respects just normal.
I was pondering on this subject whilst I waited for blood tests today and there are still things that make me uneasy about commenting and I’ve just slipped into one above. I sometimes suspect that I talk too much about myself in comments and end up writing too much, I need to think ‘verbal head nod’ more and go off on my own tangent in somebody else’s comment section less. This could also help with my possible tendency to write a little too much.
Whilst I was wondering around my office today I was thinking about how nice and useful it would be if people had there own comments section in life. If I could write a note of encouragement ‘on’ someone and they could collect the notes from everybody and they would follow them round everywhere. Also I could hassle my colleagues and they would be less likely to forget their paperwork (though this is a joke and I know that wouldn’t be nice). It would be possible to argue that this could be email or that someone’s memory would do this but my memory is far too selective.
You know that group-building exercise where everybody writes something about a person and sticks the post-it on their back? I would like comments to be like that. This exercise was used very well in a night class I attended. Everybody wrote something positive about all the other people on post-its anonymously and stuck it on their backs. I’ve never experienced such a wonderful warm feeling as when I looked at those comments – we didn’t know each other particularly well but it was a very powerful exercise. I will try and remember this when I comment in future: Write something uplifting if you can, focussed on the other person and try to keep it short!
If I am able I try to comment often. Sometimes I am in a negative/depressed/bad place and don’t have it in me to say anything. (ooh! look how I just made this comment about ME! I am failing at the Stirrup Queens guide to commenting)
The absolute hardest thing for me is when I want to comment, want to connect or share or just indicate that I am reading and the blogger has not enabled comments from people outside of their blogging platform. This is mostly a problem with blogger/blogspot writers. I have a blogspot account but I am not always logged in and so many times I will want to write and then see that I have to go through too many hoops/steps to do so. And then my tea kettle is whistling and I have to click away.
I wish that all bloggers would take a moment and check their settings.
I love, love, love comments as well. Comments are the reward of blogging. If I didn’t live for comments, helpful advice and virtual hugs, I’d write all my blubber in a diary.
Shamefully, I am one who hesitates to comment on a blog for the first time or leave a comment on a loss post when I just had a baby. Even though I have been in their shoes, I don’t want to further hurt their feelings.
I think I worry that my comment will be taken the wrong way. It is much easier to know how to take a comment said in person rather than written when you can’t clearly see the context in which it was meant to be taken. I think that is the reason for my own excessive use of exclaimation points!!!! (Pun intended!)
In my mind, the need to preserve feelings overrides the need for leaving a comment. Thanks for the reminder of the all important comment. I will do better!
Ugg, belated GET WELL wishes are coming at ya–so sorry all 4 of you were not feeling so hot.
And thanks for reminding me to always put some good meat in my comments 🙂
I love getting comments and I cant help but make them but I really detest the “I fell over a bean bag and got pregnant” or “go see a homeopath, naturopath sociopath and you will fall pregnant” comments. I think these probably fall under the advice comments box. I am sure they are well intentioned. (Well most of the time) but after you read them you wonder if they read your post or even got you at all….
I love the comments…I guess who doesn’t? I also really try to leave a comment as often as possible, even if it is a I am listening or offering a hug. Sometimes as another commenter said it I worry about something I said being taken the wrong way. I have always been a fan of in person communication because things can be taken the wrong way. whenever, I leave a comment it always with the best heart and a sincere wish to connect.
I get excited when I see someone new has left a comment and I miss people who used to comment and then for some reason leave but I do understand everyone has there reasons.
This is a great post as usual and I am happy to hear that you are starting to feel better.
This is a great post. I love receiving comments from others, new or not. If someone comments on my blog, I see that as an opportunity to go comment on their blog, and perhaps even build a blog-lationship (I think I just created a new word) with that person.
One thing I always wonder is this: when commenting on someone else’s blog, should I relate with a story of my own? Or should I focus simply on responding to the blogger because, after all, it is THEIR site, THEIR story, THEIR time. I usually try to empathize by sharing my own story, but then I wonder if that is the wrong way to go about it? I am curious as to what others think about this.
I think it’s a dance of keeping the focus on them–their words, their story, their emotions. But sometimes it helps the person to hear they’re not alone. Or sometimes, something is best explained with a story. I think there’s a huge difference between telling a story that relates to the words on the screen and saying, “that’s great! Listen to what happened to me…”
Good question!
As someone very new to the infertility world, I find that the comments help me immensely to feel the sense of community; even when I haven’t commented before. It’s so amazing! While I have sent a small number of personal emails to some bloggers, I have been hesitant to post because I still feel like a bit of an outsider. But, I hope to be doing more of them!
I too love getting and giving comments although I often worry about a day or two after posting that I have said something that was totally out of line or offfensive without realising.
It’s hard on the ineternet because you never know if you have done that. It’s not like you can see someones face as they read your comment.
Anyone else worry about this?
B
I love getting comments as well, and I leave my comments open. I try to give them frequently, but I have hard time doing this because I like to be sure my comment adds to the discussion or helps in some way. Some posts just don’t evoke a response in me, and others will take me a long time to say something meaningful and worthwhile. I have noticed that when I make an effort to connect, others will too!
I think this is a great discussion. You have really helped form such a community with your emphasis on commenting and empathy. It’s such a privelege to be a part of it! I have learned SO much from the comments I have received on my blog. They are such a gift. I was a lot better at crafting posts earlier this year that included my readers and evoked thoughtful responses. Lately, I’ve been under stress and been lucky to get a lot of wonderful supportive ‘keep your chin up’ type comments. I always leave my comments open. Maybe I’m boring, b/c I’ve never really received an off-color or rude comment.
i really appreciated this post on commenting, and the one on building a blog following. i’ve moved to a new country recently, and not having found many friends with similar interests and likes, i’m finding refuge online. which is also inspiring me to blog more, and to comment on others’ blogs! may was my first ICLW experience, and it was awesome to have people commenting on my blog, as well as to find some new blogs to follow. thank you 🙂