The Best Worst Date Ever Spotted Dining on Pizza
It was an exciting week–I sold the book, launched the Resolve project, and I saw my worst date ever man–Abortion Man–at a restaurant. Just to relive the experience because the date was just that good:
I’m on a great first date on the National Mall. We’re watching an outdoor movie at Screen on the Green. We’ve spread out a picnic blanket and we’re half-watching the movie, half-talking through the movie. Afterward, we get back in his car and he starts driving me home. We’re stopped at a light and in typical D.C. fashion, a group of protesters are standing close to the Mall. These happen to be Pro-Lifers.
“We should get out and join them,” the man tells me. We can call him Adam.
I laugh. “Yeah, sounds like a great idea.”
“Do you want to?” Adam asks, turning on his signal so we can get over one lane to park.
“To heckle them?” I ask in confusion. “No. Why would we want to do that?”
“Not heckle them. Why would we heckle them? To join them. To spread the word.”
“Oh…wait. No. I’m not. I’m actually pro-choice.”
“I didn’t know that,” Adam says tersely. He turns off his turn signal and begins driving again.
“It’s not really first date conversation,” I say.
“I actually think it’s something very important,” he says. “So, yes, I think it’s first date material. So, Melissa, I guess this means that you don’t care about the lives of poor, innocent babies.”
“I do care about babies,” I say defensively. “But I also care about each person having a right to say what their body endures.”
“And you believe the solution is to allow women to be murderers. Cold-hearted, ruthless, irresponsible murders.”
“You know, it always bothers me when men have an opinion about this considering they will never have to carry the child in their body. Until you are biologically equipped to be affected by the situation, I don’t know how you have any say. I really think we should drop this topic. Why don’t you just drive me home.”
He purposely makes a wrong turn and loops back through the Mall several times, passionately explaining why women who have abortions are murders, asking about my reproductive history, and telling me all of the plans he has to work towards overturning any protection afforded to doctors who perform abortions. He rabidly spouts a 45 minute monologue about abortion while I stare out the window. We finally pull up in front of my apartment and I have my hand on the door handle before the car has come to a complete stop.
His voice softens and he smiles for a moment. “The whole abortion thing aside, I had a really good time tonight. Can I call you again?”
“No. Definitely not. Please do not call me.”
“A goodnight kiss?” he asks hopefully.
I slam the door.
A few days later, I get an apologetic phone message. He truly is sorry. He was so nervous that night that he couldn’t stop himself from going on and on about it. And he didn’t even have any strong feeling about abortion in the first place. He totally didn’t care. But he was so nervous that he heard himself spouting all of that garbage and he couldn’t believe how he drove me in circles around the Mall. Please, could he make it up to me.
I call him back and he apologizes again. He is really really sorry. Did I want to go to the county fair this weekend. We’d go on the ferris wheel, see some animals, eat some funnel cake. I agree.
That weekend, he takes me to the fair. He buys me cotton candy. We go on some rides. I get to hold a baby rabbit in the 4-H barn. Adam is actually quite sweet. We wander down the fairway and he says, “I have a friend over there. Let me introduce you to him.”
We go over to a table towards the back and I am immediately greeted by large posters showing pictures of aborted fetuses. The man behind the table smiles at me and asks if I’d like to get involved in the Right to Life movement. “I just want to save you,” Adam tells me as I begin to walk away.
Instead of being saved, I get mono. From the kiss I gave him after he bought me cotton candy.
*******
Wasn’t that the BEST worst date ever? I was giddy seeing him across the restaurant, eleven years later. I almost went over to talk to him, but it seemed out of place to go clap my hands excitedly by his chair and say, “do you remember our godawful date?”
Your turn: tell your best worst-date-ever story. The date that just begs to be retold. And what would you do if you saw them eating pizza eleven years later?
24 comments
oh my- WHICH best worst date ever. I could devote a whole post….actually, I have had people tell me I should write a book. HA HA. How about my FIRST worst blind date ever. I was a freshman in college, no car, no money, sick with cabin fever and frustrated I hadn’t met a wonderful college boy yet. My RA had a “perfect” guy for me. He was older, getting his MBA, but ‘really really sweet’ (DING DING DING!!!! warning bells there).
She neglected to inform me that he was from India- so I was expecting a white guy. She just told me “he has black hair” when I asked what he looked like. LOL-I was a little creeped out at first when he came up to me and said “I have our table, you come with me now.”
The entire dinner he never shut his mouth- I don’t even think to swollow. There was a kid at the table next to us, and he started smacking like my date, and he got in trouble. He whined “but HE *pointing to my date* is doing it” Sigh. I had no appetite.
Which really sucked b/c I was soooo broke making 250/month on work study. 😉
We then went and watched the movie Biodome- you remember the one with Pauly Shore? Um, not a great date movie. There is one part where he dry humps a door and my date laughed so LOUD and long- that pretty much everyone in the theater turned and looked at him. After he calmed down-he turns to me, put his arm around me and says “oh, that hurts- to ‘do it’ to a wall hurts pretty bad, I do know that”
WTF?!?!?!
He called many, many times after that- and I finally had to spend my precious money on an answering maching to screen his calls until he finally quit calling. I came home one day to a marriage proposal on my answering machine- and an offer to buy me a car. LOL!!!
Wow. That really is the best worst date. I’m impressed. My only real bad date story is just lame, we didn’t hit it off, he lived in his parents’ basement. I think we went bowling, but it was honestly so non-important that I can’t remember.
That is an amazing first date story! Not to mention 11 years later you see him and remember it all!
My worst date was in college, we were going to a dance with another couple, went out to dinner, headed to the dance afterwards, we were in a car accident within a block of the restaurant. Everyone was fine, just never got to dance. Plus all that I remember after the accident is standing in the middle of the road for hours… Oh well.
That is no where near as good a story as yours!
I can’t even get close to yours. That is ridiculous. And painful. And, oh the mono. Dear lord.
Oh, my. I can’t even begin to top that story. Not even close. I did have one stupid awful date with a guy that hung around at the periphery of a group that I was part of at a coffee shop. He asked me if I was interested in going with him to a different coffee shop one evening, and I agreed. I had my viola with me since I had come straight from school. He insisted on putting it in the bed of his compact pick-up truck (the cab was too small, so there was nowhere else to put it– NOT where I was most comfortable putting a few thousand worth of delicate equipment upon which my college career was based…), and then insisted that he carry it for me when we got to the other coffee place because it was “too heavy” for me and made him look bad to be on a date with a girl making her lug around such a heavy thing (keeping in mind that a viola is only slightly bigger than a violin– not exactly a burden).
Anyhow, the date was boring, we had nothing in common, it just fizzled. There wasn’t any dramatic moment or anything, though he did reveal that he was part of an extremely conservative (yet youth-friendly, cool/hip rock and roll) church, and thus found abortion to be abhorrent, but I wasn’t all that impressed to begin with, so that wasn’t a shock or anything.
Anyhow, I ran into him once or twice again in the month after that date at my usual coffee shop, and we exchanged pleasantries, but no serious talk.
And then. Ah, and then…
Four or five years later, I had been working on a small team at D.ell for several months and our boss had been interviewing people to join the team (I was working on an intensive project and so hadn’t been part of the interview process with everyone else). She announced that she had found the perfect fit, and he would be transferring over to our team the following week. And at this point, you can, of course, guess who our new teammate was…
So Bad Date Dude walks in, and my boss goes to introduce him, and I say that I already know him. And Bad Date Dude (with a sly look) says that he doesn’t remember me (he later reveals that he does, in fact, remember me, but he didn’t want our boss to know that he already knew me for some reason). And Bad Date Dude is assigned to sit in the cube directly next to mine, and to share projects with me and so I get to work on a tee-tiny team directly with Bad Date Dude for the next couple of years, while he proceeds to act just as he did on our date, that women can’t do “heavy lifting” (this was a technical team, so he was pretty convinced that I and my other female co-worker were always mis-programming things and incorrectly calculating various stats, that he and the male co-worker were infalliable), that he can’t work late on certain days because he has to go to church three times a week, that we all don’t understand about the importance of family to a godly man such as himself, so he has to be home every night to ensure his place as head of the household…
Yeah, two years of working with my Bad Date Man. So maybe the bad date wasn’t as bad as yours, but I think my “ran into him later” part of the story might be slightly more sucky!
Yours way outranks mine. And mybumpyjourney’s wall-humper is cracking me up.
I met my husband on match.com. That was a GREAT date. But I had already made another date with Guy #2 for the next week, and decided to keep it. We’ll call him the Psychic Psycho.
Picture looked good online. Seemed intelligent and compassionate. I thought it was funny he told me he was just moving into town from Florida, where he had lived for 3 months for a job, but his number was new, and was a California cell phone.
I chose to meet him at a Starbucks, and told my friend Jen to call me 10 minutes into the meeting, so I had an out if I needed to. A guy who was at least 200 lbs heavier than his picture got out of a pickup and I just knew it was him. He proceeded to tell me about how he was on his 4th? 5th? job in the past 12 months. And how he felt a spiritual connection at the soul level with me- he just KNEW we were soulmates. And he had psychic powers, so he KNEW it. Blah blah blah. I decided he needed some haldol, and I needed to get the h*** out of there.
Jen called and I told him I had an emergency with a mental health client and had to get to the hospital. He stalked me on the phone and the computer until Mr Right, now my Mr S, used his techie skills to block him.
That is definiely the BEST worst date ever. I have nothing to compare to that! Can’t wait to read what others have to say.
Wow, that’s a great bad date! How creepy.
My worst date started out with me not even knowing it was a date. I was in college, doing my Junior Year abroad in Europe. I had joined a local choir and the conductor told me about having lunch. I assumed it was with the rest of the small choir. There must have been a language disconnect because when I showed up at the cafe, he was the only one there.
What made it worse was that he had come directly from the dentist and had no feeling in half his face. The whole date was filled with awkward silence and him patting his swollen lower lip with a napkin every 2 seconds.
Let’s just say there was no second “date.”
One day a guy followed me home in the traffic and asked me out, he said he had seen me before and thought I was the most beautiful woman alive. I had just had a “closure” email conversation with an ex (you know the type of conversation three months after a break up where you “calmly” tell each other you’ll never get back together even though you still both have feelings), and was feeling really very liberated and Sara.h Je.ssica Parker-ish. So I said yes, thinking, wow this is fun and romantic. The guy was 29, still living at home with his parents. He lectured me all night about how successful he was in his business and what steps I needed to take to become more successful. I couldn’t even eat my food, I so badly wanted to escape. So then I got a lecture about eating. And then he walked me to my car (or shall we say ran behind me) and asked for a kiss. I said no. The next day he phoned me and lectured me about the date and how I should have just let him know I wasn’t interested. It scared me off men completely for a full 6 months.
Mine isn’t too horrifying. I didn’t even think it was a date at first. My sister had started going out with this guy, who was friends with a guy we both knew from school band, who was two years older than me. They asked if we wanted to go to the drive-in theatre. I figured the friend & I were just tagging along.
Unfortunately, he had other ideas. I always kind of suspected he liked me, but I was taken aback when he put the moves on me & then asked me to be his girlfriend. I had to tell him that while I really, really liked him as a friend, I just didn’t feel that way about him. He looked crushed. And then, of course, we had to sit through the rest of the double feature while my sister & his friend made out in the back seat. :p
And we did stay friendly, but it was never the same again. I lost touch with him after I left high school & my family moved. I did try Googling him once, but his name is not uncommon so he’s hard to find.
Oh yes, and there was a slight kicker. Several weeks earlier, the CBC had been at our school doing a story about the physical fitness study we were involved in, & I had been one of the students interviewed on camera. We got home that night from the drive-in, & of course THAT was the night the story aired — on the national newscast, no less!! — & we had missed it. This was long before the days of cable news networks & VCRs, so I never did get to see myself on national television.
I think I told you mine once, but…
I was on maybe a third date in high school, senior year, with this guy. We were going to the movies to see “Blink” with Madeline Stowe, and it happened to be Valentines Day. I picked him up and began to drive to the theater when he told me to pull into the grocery store nearby. He runs in, comes back with some sad-assed flowers and almost throws them at me with a blah-like “this is for that stupid holiday”. We saw the movie and I never went out with him again. You win.
These are priceless. It would have been something to see where his thoughts on things are now, though.
Bea
Melissa, that is the worst bad first and second date I have ever heard of. That guys was completely messed up!
This isn’t a bad first date story, but it still makes me laugh when I think about it, and tell it to people. My husband and I were friends in the same social circle and hung out a lot for a good 3-4 months before he officially asked me out one evening…after I told him that yes, I was interested in dating him, he then said, “Um….I have a question for you…” I said, okay, and was kind of nervous for a moment, he paused and then asked me, “What’s your last name again?!?” I laughed out loud (and I was kind of thinking ‘what am I getting myself into?!’) and then told him what it was. He never forgot it again (and I still tease him about it occasionally), and long story short, married him and took his last name – now he’ll never forget my last name! 🙂
I had a horrible, awful, no good, lame and tragic date with a guy that was just SO not my type. At ALL. And all through the date I am just hating life. But he, despite my complete lack of twinkling, felt things were going great. So he tried to get a kiss at the end of the evening. I managed to dodge it and mumbled the kiss off, “I’ll call you”. Translation: don’t bet on it.
When I didn’t call him he called me to tell me what a bitch I was for saying I would call and not following through. He just “had to call” to tell me that I was rude. Then he had all of his friends call me too.
(and crazily enough- he tried to flipping friend me on facebook recently. AS IF!)
I can’t even come close to that gem of a story. You win the contest hands down.
Ugh, a lecture AND mono? Not cool!
Well, let’s see… Several from which to choose! Let’s go with: I had just dumped the guy I eventually married, and this guy who had been my substitue teacher about 10 years before started coming to eat at the restaurant I worked at. So he asked me out on what I swore was *not* a date – because we were friends, and friends sometimes go out to eat together, right? Everyone told me it was a date, but I could not be convinced. We met at the local mall, drove an hour away to eat (see??? Just as friends, nobody will see us and talk about us!), then drove almost 2 hours in the opposite direction for him to show me his church’s national headquarters, went to get ice cream, then he drove me back to my car @ the mall…. Where he basically kept complimenting me, professed his undying love, and told me he had been thinking about “us” for a very, VERY, VERY long time. I just kept saying thank you and trying to get in my car! The more I thought about it, the more I wondered how long 3 “very’s” was!! Totally grossed me out to think that he had the hots for me when I was in the 7th grade and he made all students except me call him Mr Lastname, and I called him Firstname! He kept trying to set up a second date, but I was really busy…
Uh, yeah, we still see each other at a local restaurant, the store, community events, etc. It’s pretty awkward!
Oh. My. Gosh!
That seriously is the worst/scariest date story I think I’ve heard!
Unfortunately (well, fortunately!), I don’t have any worst date stories to tell really, I met my husband when I was in 8th grade, lol! Our “dates” consisted of our parents driving us back and forth to each others houses before he could even drive, lol!
Does spreading out some hangers and other noisy things in the hallway while his mother napped in the back room so we could hear here coming while we were making out on the couch count, lmao! 😉
Kate, I can’t imagine working with my worst date.
Mel, that is so crazy I would have said “Yes let’s get out and protest, then bolted for the nearest cab.”
AFM – I was heading out on a date with a high school boy. He picked me up, started driving to the restaurant and movie theatre. Halfway there he hit a deer with his truck. He pulled over, told me to stay in the car while he went to check on it. I didn’t listen so I spied on him from behind the truck. He had grabbed a shovel from his truck and proceeded to hit the deer in the head to make sure it died. I understood he wanted to put it out of its misery. He came back with blood on his jacket, and then said we need to call it into the DNR. So we go to a restaurant where he calls it in, then asks if he can keep it. They say ok so he calls his dad to come get the deer. We continue on our date. I am 75% out the door on this relationship now but thought he was cute. Until a few days later I pull up to his house for another date and the deer is hung up in the front yard. I’m a cowgirl but love my animals. End of story..
The only one I have is from a date in high school when my date got so drunk he puked all over my car. It was horrible.
During my first two years of college, I worked weekends at a convenience store. My sophomore year, I was asked out by one of my regular customers. I agreed and we went out (I forget what we did now). However, I never knew his name! We only had the one date, but to this day, I can’t figure out why I never found out his name.
I don’t really have any bad first date stories. I didn’t date much.
However, I would have totally have dragged whoever I was with across the restaurant and loudly proclaimed “This is the weirdo who thought it would be good to lecture me on abortion on our first date. And when that didn’t work, he scammed me into going out with him again, so he could lecture me some more!” I would have totally made him feel like a circus freak.
Oh man, Melissa, that is a hall of famer in worst dates.
I don’t know if I remember my actual worst first date during, but I will never forget my worst first date kiss ending. I thought I had made it unscathed, already back in my car, saying good-bye through a halfway opened car window…and he went for it! He got a good one in that was seriously the worst ever kiss. (I am slightly gagging remembering.) It was so bad, after I drove off I rolled the window down fully and SPAT out the window!!
Oh, geez, Melissa, that is a great bad first date, but I actually know of a worse one (not mine, it was a friend of mine’s). Sadly it (may) contain enough identifiers that I don’t think I can post it on the internet without her permission, so your just going to have to take my word for it (or not). But if we ever meet in person I’ll share it.
Wow. I am almost embarrassed to have escaped dating relatively unscathed. I have NO worst date stories. The closest thing I have to bad date stories is that I’ve noticed some men, perhaps when they haven’t been in the dating market much, tend to get a little musty. Lol. They may not be the savviest dresser and seem to reek, just the tiniest bit, of moth balls. Thanks for sharing your WORST DATE evah story though. That was hilarious!