Posts from — October 2012

As many of you know, I am very behind in reading issues of People magazine.  So woefully behind that Brad Pitt just left Jennifer Aniston — can you believe that man?

I actually just finished up an issue from April that contained an interview with Susan Sarandon, one of my favourite actresses.  It brought an entirely new perspective to the obsession magazines have lately with pregnant women and and/or their offspring.  We are bombarded with talk of Kardashian pregnancy struggles (forgive me, I can’t actually tell the girls apart so I have no idea which one goes with which story), Kate Middleton belly watch, Jessica Simpson pregnancy pictures, Suri Cruise’s outfits.  Magazine covers hawk stories about losing the baby weight and how to show off your gorgeous, growing belly and feature pictures of beatifically smiling parents gazing down at newborns.

Pick up an issue of People from 1980 (yes, I think some of those may be in my tottering pile) and you can clearly see the difference.  Fewer stories about babies and more stories about marriages.  Fewer stories about pregnancy and more stories about divorce.  With the exception of Princess Diana’s children — celebrity in their own right — few issues focused on showing parent and child together or talk about the children except in passing.

Susan Sarandon explained in the article why she put off having children as long as possible.  As a woman in Hollywood, children were the obstacle to longevity instead of the accessory de rigueur.  Once a woman had children, she was no longer looked at as a sexual entity and would be shunted off to matronly roles that were few and far between, even as child-free women the same age were courting lead roles.  Sarandon said, “You put off having kids as long as possible, and you didn’t talk about being married.  I’m happy that has changed.”

Which brings me to the greater point: women fought for the ability to openly and unapologetically have children and still be seen as relevant, sexual, vibrant human beings.  There was a generation of women who lived with something else who longed for this.  Who fought for this.  Who see these new magazine covers in a very different light.  Women can now have the choice of motherhood (yes, yes, which is obviously easier for some to reach than others; that part is not lost to me) and not be shoved into the house, out-of-sight.  And while this isn’t always true across the board, for the most part, women can have any job, get any role, regardless of their marital status or parenting status.  Women can have a child and still be a sexual entity vs. the SNL joke: “I’m not a woman anymore; I’m a mom.”

I don’t know of any other time period; I’ve always had the girls can be anything chant in the back of my head.  And I wonder how differently I would look at these magazine covers if I had lived through a time period where I felt anxiety that I would lose my career if I had a child; when I had to make a choice over whether I was willing to walk away from all the hard work I did to break into a field that few people succeed in entering or whether I wanted to parent.  If it had come down to having a child or publishing books, would I have been able to walk away from writing in order to have a child?  If I knew that there would never be a space for me to publish anymore once I had a child, would I have had children on my timetable (fine, so our kids didn’t actually come on our timetable, but you get my point) or would I have put it off?  And how would I feel about parenting knowing that entering that stage of life firmly closed another door due to society’s preconceived notions?

I tried to see the onslaught of pregnancy and parenting articles through the eyes of someone like Susan Sarandon who remembers a very different time period.

The reality is that I wouldn’t ever want to return to the time period that Sarandon mentions, a time period very different from now when women can be portrayed as “fun and sexy and smart.  It wasn’t always like that.”  And while the pendulum may have swung too far in the other direction, it may just be society’s over-enthusiastic proclamation: “we don’t hate you guys!  We really love you!  Look at how we love mothers.  We haven’t killed your careers!  We celebrate you.”  Which frankly is better than what Sarandon refers to in society denying that they hate mothers while they stop offering them roles.

I would rather have women celebrated too much than have women punished for making commonplace choices.  Though I would love to have a separation of artistic life and family life, with the personal life only being mentioned when it directly affects the artistic life.  I just don’t need to be kept up to date on the latest news about a singer’s pregnancy or delivery.  I don’t really want to know what a celebrity has named their new offspring.  But the Susan Sarandon article made me see the glut of magazine covers — which are emotionally difficult for me to look at every single time I’m in the food store — in a different light.

Perhaps one day the pendulum will rest in the middle where women are neither rejected nor slobbered over based on their status as a parent.

The twins have a very complicated system of what is real and what is make believe that seems to be based mostly on wishful thinking.  Mrs. Piggle Wiggle, the Tooth Fairy, and all the characters at Disney World are totally real.  The ChickieNob is on the fence about Ramona Quimby, alternating between asking what the grown-up Ramona Quimby is doing these days and sadly telling me that she fears that Ramona Quimby may be someone in Beverly Cleary’s imagination.  Both believe Santa Claus is a man in a costume (though have been told they will be in deep trouble if they share that thought with others unless the other person has said it first), though Befana is as real as a heart attack.

As I was washing the dishes, I listened to the twins talk about the non-fiction and fictional books they wanted to put in their reading log.

“Harry Potter is obviously non-fiction since it is the biography of Harry Potter’s life,” the ChickieNob said, self-importantly.

“JK Rowling did the research,” the Wolvog agreed.  “I would love to have been chosen to do the research.  I bet she even got to see Diagon Alley.”

Er… this is the only place where allowing their imaginations to unfold at their own pace seems to be an issue: the reading log.  Of course I can tell their teacher that the twins believe strongly in the wizarding world so she understands why Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets has been marked down as the second book in a seven-part biography on the life of Harry Potter*, right below the entry for a biography of Harriet Tubman and another one for Helen Keller (we’ve been on a biography kick for a bit).

And she is free to tell them that Harry Potter is fictional.  I might warn her that other kids have tried to beat the imagination out of them, telling them the characters they met at Disney World were people in costumes.  Those kids received an eyeroll in the moment, and then the twins came home and asked why anyone would choose to believe such a thing over the idea that the princesses are real.  There was also the adult who told the ChickieNob that the Tooth Fairy didn’t exist and she gave her a look of such deep pity and said, “you must be so sad that she doesn’t visit you since you don’t believe in her.”

I’ve been told by other adults that we’re doing them a huge disservice by allowing them to think that make believe things are real, but I can’t really see what is gained by squashing the joy they feel over believing in something such as the wizarding world.  They are not using this information to obscure the reality in front of them, for instance, they still work hard in school and don’t write off math class with an excuse such as, “well, when I’m in Hogwarts…”  They are not trying to convince other children in their version of reality or take the broom by the front door and jump off the roof in an attempt to play Quidditch.  I don’t see a lot of harm in two kids believing with their entire heart that something they love is real and discussing it for hours on end while they play in the afternoon.

Maybe I’m basing this on the fact that I was the sort of child who believed in make believe, long after all other people around me had stopped thinking Alice in Wonderland was still having tea parties in England (ooooh, I wanted to meet her so badly).  I still get caught up in books that way, knowing rationally that something is fictional but still choosing to believe in the validity of Life of Pi’s meerkat island or Diagon Alley.  My whole job is essentially creating make believe worlds and make believe people and playing with them.  Actually, described like that and coupled with the fact that I work in the house and don’t see other adults for a large chunk of the day maybe is cause for concern.  But regardless, I’ve made a nice living as a writer, and I do think that the job came to me because I like to believe in make believe.  It helps you remember the world you create when you allow it to feel real, and some of those worlds and people are places and individuals that I deeply love.

My feeling is that if the twins want to believe the Harry Potter books are biographies and are willing to write down that they’re fiction in order to humour a teacher, no harm is done.  And if they don’t want to believe in make believe, no harm is done.  But if they want to believe in make believe and the adults around them beat reality into them until they finally force their imagination to change course just to please the adults around them, then there is harm done.

And if I’m wrong in not training them to stop believing in fiction, then I will pay for their therapy bills down the road and offer them a huge apology.

Do you believe in make believe?

* In their complicated system of reality — based on what I can understand from overhearing dinner table conversation while I wash dishes — the books are the complete, unabridged biography of Harry Potter’s life and the only true source for facts about Harry Potter.  The movies are re-enactments of the book which take creative license with the material and should not be trusted.  The people in the movies are all actors since (1) the real Harry Potter is 32 and therefore wouldn’t make a believable teenager and (2) wizards have better things to do than make movies about their lives.  This information is always imparted with a tone that implies, “for fuck’s sake.”

Rather than point out four or five amazing posts I read this week, I’d like to direct your attention to 277 fantastic posts via an inverted version of the 2011 Creme de la Creme.  I inverted it for the simple reason that the people at the top of the list are always read more than the people at the bottom of the list.  So this is a chance to dive into all the ones you may have missed at the bottom last year.

There is a second purpose to this uber-Roundup, namely, to put it in your head that THE 2012 CREME DE LA CREME IS COMING. We have been doing this for — G-d help me — seven years.  This will be the 7th Creme de la Creme.

It’s still pretty warm here, but it takes me months to put this list together and write all the little blurbs.  For those who like to be at the top of the list, you may want to start combing through your archives now and decide which post you would like to use when the list opens on October 15th.  It is also a space for a very important announcement: the list will only be open for submissions from October 15th until December 15th.  Period.  Full stop.  End of story.  Everyone will be on the list come January 1st, and the list will also be closed at that point to new submissions.  It’s simply too hard to get to those later posts, and it’s not fair to those authors because it can be months before they get onto the list.

So this year, please help me to spread word that the list is open from October 15th to December 15th so that all hear and have the opportunity to get on the list.  I hate the idea of someone finding out about the list on January 1st and needing to wait until the 2013 list in order to be included.  The Creme de la Creme — as always — is open to every single person in the ALI community.  Everyone, everyone, everyone: if there is a category for you on the ALI blogroll (and there are 53 categories on the ALI blogroll so one must fit you), you belong on the Creme de la Creme list.

And now enjoy a look back at the 2011 Creme de la Creme in reverse (with the last post submitted first, and the first post submitted last).

1. A Sample Of My Thoughts (from Life’s Little Reflections): The anxiety inherent in a pregnancy that comes after infertility and loss.
2. Ghost Child (from Tuesday’s Hope): Three years after the death of her daughter, the author talks about that ghostly presence of someone who should be here as well as the idea that life continues on.
3. A Day Just Like This (from The Broken Road): A post no parent should ever have to write: a mother and father return to the cemetery to purchase the headstone for their daughter’s grave.
4. Brinley’s Month (from Brinley Love): The calendar has returned to August, the month in which her daughter died, and she and others keep finding dimes, small messages from her daughter.
5. Kick at the Darkness (from Sprout): A very powerful post about coming through an extreme depression, from the brink of losing her life, and stepping back into living due to a vision of her daughter who may one day come to be.
6. Hesitating and Wasting Time (from Relaxed No More): Recounting the beginning of her relationship with her now-husband, the author moves from not knowing if she wants to be a parent to trying to conceive.
7. Unexpected Help, Unlikely Alliances, and Other Unexpected Surprises on the Journey of Infertility (from The Infertility Therapist): A fabulous post about her husband’s uncle who made all the difference in her world in the days after they adopted their first child in India.
8. C & B: Love & Seasons (from Little Bird ): A moving post about transitioning from the season of mourning to the season of gentleness, where her heart knows that it can love her son without ever forgetting her daughter.
9. Support (from The Road Less Traveled): For the first time in her life, the author needs to call on the emotional support of others, and she learns that it isn’t quite so simple. That there are the people who she thought she could count on that don’t come through, and the ones that she never thought would be there and yet are.
10. To Lose a First Pregnancy (from Dwelling on Dream): The author doesn’t need her journal because the events of the day that she lost her baby are seared into her brain.
11. Happy 1st Birthday Addie B! (from Addison’s Wings: My Journey to Live Again After a Broken Heart): I cried reading the author’s quiet chant: “Together, we created her, together we said goodbye to her, together we love her, together we miss her and together we celebrated her.” A birthday post for a daughter who is no longer here.
12. 2 Upsetting Issues & Counting (from Love, Loss & Life): A rallying cry of support for a fellow babylost family, the Duggars, in which the author explains just how hurtful the media coverage is for other parents who have lost their child.
13. Positive Thinking and IVF (from Buck Up, Buttercup): The author points out the dark side of coaching someone that they can control their health with positive thinking and the self-blame that can come out of the message.
14. Choosing (from This Was Supposed To Be My Symphony): The author notices that life hands everyone crap, and yet people are happy anyway. And in noticing this, she chooses joy over wrapping herself in sorrow.
15. Just Be Glad You Don’t Live In My Head (from MotherNatureSchmature): Chuckling over the memory of what she thought baby making was going to be like, the author recounts a dream she had about her FET
16. Transfer Day (from Hubbub): A recount of the transfer day that resulted in the author’s daughter (who will hopefully know the special role lavendar soap played in her conception).
17. The Social Science of Science (from The Guild of Knitting Kninjas): A thought-provoking post on the duality of reactions people bring to the idea of technology and advancements, especially in the field of medicine.
18. Just In Case You Thought I Was Normal… (from Beyond the Brick Wall): The author reads to her womb without knowing whether an embryo is in her uterus or has even implanted; a moment of parenting and care that is the first story amongst a lifetime of stories.
19. Zombie Fetus Watch 2011 (from Dead Cow Girl: Dominatrix Mommy Blogger): A live blog, hour by hour, of a miscarriage, and in its terribleness is also such a helpful resource for every woman who comes after the author who experiences the same thing.
20. Signs (from What Will Happen Today): A grieving mother looks for signs from her daughter, Ireland, after her loss.
21. Deeper Still (from Hope In Bloom): An exploration of the author’s faith, even in the face of loss.
22. Infertility Is… (from Living Our Life In Cycles): A frank and moving account of what infertility is, giving outsiders a peek into the emotional and physical landscape.
23. So You’re Pregnant and Your Friends Aren’t… Now What? (from Project Open Hearts): Very helpful advice on how to announce your pregnancy while keeping in mind friends and family who may be experiencing infertility or loss.
24. How Do You Define a Friend? (from The 123 Blog): A post celebrating friendships began online, and holding dear the friends the author has met through her blog.
25. I Think It’s Only Fair You Know About the Dark Days Too (Part 2) (from I Don’t Ever Want to Forget): A father tells his child the story of what else was happening in their lives (and the world) as they tried to build their family.
26. 18 Months of Change (from Waves Over Stones): Reflections a year and a half after the death of the author’s son as she takes stock in what has changed, what is still the same.
27. Whirlwind (from Got Love, Been Married, Where the Hell’s the Baby Carriage?): A moving post about the birth and adoption of her son, Isaac, which happened at a whirlwind pace.
28. No Love Lost (from These Rotten Eggs – An Infertility Journey): An open note to 2011, saying good riddance to a year that has broken the author.
29. Everything You Can Imagine is Real (from Lovely Transitions): When positive thinking doesn’t come to fruition, the author voices her frustration with the idea that “everything you can imagine is real.”
30. A Public Service Announcement (from By the Brooke): The rarity of that 1% stillbirth statistic doesn’t really matter when it happens to you, bringing you into that small group that needs the understanding and empathy of the 99%; to make it not a shameful secret but a reality of life.
31. Isolated… but Not Truly Alone (from My Cheap Version of Therapy): A truthful post about the author’s experience being pregnant after infertility and all the difficult facets that come from having the experience be similar yet completely different from how it would have been if she had conceived on her own timetable.
32. T Is For… (from Adventures in Infertility-land): Bravely discussing the “T” word, the author explains how uncomfortable she feels using the word termination on her blog, even though she knows it would be helpful for people who find her posts and have gone through a similar experience of needing to terminate a pregnancy when the child will not survive outside the womb.
33. The Power of Definitions (from Two’s Company. Three’s a Family.): Pointing out the narrowness of definitions, the author expands the idea of motherhood and infertility, making these words more encompassing.
34. Christmas Post (from Mommyhood After Fertility Frustration): What a difference a year makes. The author recounts Christmases past while looking at her Christmas present which includes her child.
35. Hatched (from It is What it is (or is it?)): An incredibly important post, through the eyes of an adoptee, discussing the importance of how knowing how you came into the world because that story can have a ripple effect.
36. Made a Fool of Myself in Public (from The Childless Mom): On a difficult day, when the author was set to solo at the church, the pastor makes an announcement about his own impending grandfatherhood, and she dives into the deep grief she feels after a negative.
37. A Momma Kangaroo (from Our Little Tongginator): An update detailing the author’s new status as a kangaroo after meeting her new daughter in China and holding her non-stop in her carrier. A post about transitions great and small.
38. That’s What Infertility Does To You (from Expecting Miracles): A mother via adoption finds herself thinking about pregnancy tests and talks about the complicated thoughts she has about the idea of pregnancy in that current moment.
39. What’s Up with the Parentheses? (from (In)Fertility Unexplained): An explanation for why the author places parentheses around the prefex of infertility, and why words matter.
40. I am the Mom! (from Donor Diva: Mother via Egg Donation): Musings on the terms gamete donor and biological mother, wondering how the donation of the gametes translates into a type of parenthood.
41. The Bug: It Bit (from The Unfair Struggle): As her husband is wheeled away for surgery, the author has a moment of clarity in their infertility journey.
42. The Birth Story of Jackson Carter (from Miracle in the Making): The perfect description of birth — “I saw my whole heart get lifted onto my belly” — as a mother holds her son for the first time.
43. Discarded Dreams (from Pundelina Kafoops Lives Here): An emotional post about getting rid of the last of the IVF drugs, a moment that marks a true end for the author.
44. Charlotte Mabel (from Getting It Sorted): A gorgeous post detailing the personality of a daughter who was gone too soon.
45. Do You Have Children? (from Justin and Jessica): Every time the author is asked the question of whether she has children, she doesn’t know how to address it in a way that neatly packages the enormity of the answer.
46. Baby Blues (from She’s One in Amelian): A powerful post about working through that sense of denial and disbelief that comes with an infertility diagnosis.
47. Depression After Miscarriage (from Bohemian Transplant): After going through a miscarriage on her own, the author compiles a list of advice to help anyone who is experiencing depression after a loss.
48. Lots of Tears, a Latte, and a Blueberry Scone (from Baby-Making Merry-go-Round): A recount of the time she broke down and cried in the doctor’s office after a very frustrating experience of trying to get answers to her questions, all on the day she should have been having her 8 week sonogram.
49. Birth Mothers (from Life in the Last Frontier): A post empathizing with birth mothers and the impossibly hard work they do in creating a birth plan for their child.
50. Identity (from I Can’t Whistle): A gorgeous post about what she isn’t blogging about now that her child is here, even though she still has so much she needs to say.
51. The Landlord Called… Rent Is Due (from Two In The Mud): After lamenting the costs inherent in family building with infertility, the author talks about a fee that few fertile women think about — the embryo storage fee — and how to even list something like that on her budget.
52. In-Vitro Fertilization and The Emotions (from Toddlers and Test Tubes): While keeping in mind that no one can truly know what another person is feeling, even if they’ve been through the exact same experience, the author reflects on a woman who came into her life and how that person gave her comfort at the moment she needed it.
53. I Feel Broken (from The In Between): A friend drops the news of her pregnancy into the middle of dinner, and the author needs to get through the rest of the meal, listening to pregnancy talk while she’s dying inside.
54. Et tu, Muppets? (from Will CarryOn): With the most perfect line summing up her experience of watching the Muppet movie: “I hadn’t expected something that made me so happy as a child (and yes, as an adult) to make me so sad for not having the children to share it with.”
55. The First Time I Told Someone (from Roccie Road): The author finds happiness with each retelling of her donor egg story, realizing it isn’t something to hide but simply the unique way her son came into her family.
56. The Feeling of Happiness (from Trying to Calm): Finding happiness after the storm of many years of trying to conceive.
57. You’re Pregnant, I Hate You (from The Empty Uterus): A very honest reaction to how the author feels when she hears that someone is pregnant, even when that someone is a best friend.
58. Waiting for Winter (from Forever a Family): Another warning: you will cry reading this. A gorgeous post about saying goodbye to her son who is dying as he grows; a long, slow goodbye as — like the seasons — he goes from the autumn to the winter of his brief life. She writes, “When the call ended, I gasped and began sobbing. I wasn’t shocked. I knew this was coming, but nothing prepares you for the moment you truly realize your baby is dying.”
59. Quite the Baby-ful Weekend (from The Future Fords): A beautiful post explaining how she can be happy for her friends and sad for herself at the very same time as new babies come into the world.
60. What I Would Like Fertiles (And the World At Large) to Know. . . Part 1 (from The Stork Diaries): 10 facts about infertility the author would love the general public to know about our struggle.
61. HELP! My Biological Alarm Clock is Sounding, and My Snooze Button is Broken! (from Riding the IF (Infertility) Crazy Train): The author laments that while the snooze button has worked at other points in her life, it seems to be broken when it comes to her biological clock.
62. The First Time (from It Goes On): A heartbreaking post about the author’s first and second miscarriage, about how she came to guard her heart.
63. Hypocrisy and Choice (from My Preconceived Notion): Responding to the New York Times article on twin reduction, the author implores readers to not judge women who reduce twin pregnancies.
64. Reflections on Pregnancy and Loss (from Mission: Motherhood): A Jodi Picoult book brings to the surface all the fears the author felt while pregnant, and how relieved she is that all went well in the end.
65. All Grown Up (from Geebaby): In the wake of numerous Facebook status updates about parenthood that sting, the author asks herself: “do I think being an ‘adult’ is a requirement to parent, or do I think being a ‘parent’ is the ticket into adulthood?”
66. Why Ask For Help? (from In Due Time): A raw, heartbreaking post asking what is the point in asking for help when nothing can undo what has already been lost.
67. 7/8/2012 (from My Life with Endo & Infertility): A very honest and informative post on how endometriosis has manifested itself for the author.
68. A Little History (from The Brooding Woman): The author relays the story of two of her sibling’s neonatal deaths and her mother’s two second-trimester losses, holding them up as a fact of wonder, how her parents got through it without being broken.
69. Are You Infertile? The New York Times Thinks You Are Rich and Whimsical (from Too Many Fish To Fry): A rebel yell to mainstream media to cover infertility fairly and honestly so that the general public can better understand the disease. The author looks at the types of stories the New York Times has posted recently and berates them for pushing an agenda rather than reporting objectively.
70. Unsuccessful (from Kate; Uncensored): Busting the myth that IVF is an iron-clad solution; that it always works. The author explains how they did IVF three times, and how it didn’t work for her.
71. The Dark Place (from The Elusive Second Line): A deeply honest post about owning her depression and stating her deepest, darkest thoughts.
72. Why She Drinks (from Bloodsigns): An incredibly powerful post unfolding the story of why her mother drinks, which really becomes a tale about how we love, and how we sometimes need to hold the world a bit at arm’s length.
73. It Must Be January 21st! (from Waiting, Wishing, Hoping): Talking about the need for a reboot as she needs every year in regards to her New Year’s resolutions, she relays the story of a friend and how she let the author down, but it’s time to move on and forgive even if she doesn’t really understand.
74. Eggs (from I’m Polycystitc Inside): Thoughts stemming from a trip to the RE, the author exclaims that we were all just egg cells sitting in someone’s ovaries and the mindblowing idea that we all develop into these unique human beings.
75. I Wish Someone Had Told Me This (from Our New Plan A): Sage advice from an IVF veteran about the difference between quitting and knowing when you have had enough and need to choose a different route.
76. The Story (from Adoption Adventures and More): An incredibly story of how the author came together with her son via adoption.
77. We’re Famous (from Two Hot Mamas): A post explaining what worked for the author and her wife in terms of feeding their child, with the emphasis being a balance of what is best for the child, best for the bio mother, and best for the non-bio mother, honouring all three factors.
78. One Year and Beyond (from Always Plus One): The author dreads the upcoming one year anniversary of her son’s death; not because the day will be any more painful emotionally than any other day, but because she doesn’t want to be out of that time period when she last had her son.
79. How Did I End Up In This Crazy Place? (from Finding My New Normal): On the eve of leaving for the United States to have her FET, the author reflects on how she thought she’d get pregnant vs. how it is actually happening.
80. Critical Thinking: When Is Enough Enough? (from Wistfulgirl’s World): The author asks an interesting question about what applies more to knowing when it would be best to not do treatments: the amount of things tried or the amount of time spent? After a long time waiting, she is ready to parent.
81. How it All Began … (from Being Joyful Always): A bittersweet post, especially in light of the fact that the adoption is not taking place, about how hopeful she felt when it seemed as if everything was sailing smoothly.
82. Meet the Rasmussen’s! (from Barren to Bonkers!): The first post of her blog explaining how every moment is now potential blog fodder in her family’s busy life.
83. Did I Get the Call? (from Recipe for a Family): The author asks the reader to “Imagine if we had no idea how long each pregnancy would be.” A post about the wait during adoption, and how the light on the answering machine captivated her for 19 months.
84. My Experience with Pregnancy After Stillbirth So Far (from Expectations Revised): A post that is just as much for the author as it is for all the women who need it who come after her; a post about being pregnant again after her first child was born still.
85. Child Care IS NOT Birth Control (from Desire to Mother): The author explains that while people joke that her job with children should be like birth control, every baby just makes her want to parent even more.
86. The Weekend Was Not a Total Loss (from KatyStuff): An average sick day at home in the life of a mother of two.
87. Thirteen Things They Don’t Tell You (from Journeywoman): 13 things the author could have never predicted about how it feels to have your parents get sick.
88. Right Where I Am: 1 Year, 1 Month (from My Sweet Kenny): With too much on her plate in terms of loss and infertility, the author states exactly where she is with her grief, a raw venting as she processes what has happened, where she is now.
89. Uhm, is this Thing Still on? (from Baby Wanted: Apply Within): A check in post that explores the idea that her life is not where she thought it would be when she first started her blog five years earlier, and how she wants to be cycling soon as it feels like time is running out.
90. Getting Over My Fear of the Internet Shut-Up (from Family Building with a Twist): A fear of being told to be quiet or not being read at all keeps the author from freely writing what she wants to write, and she comes to a place of peace by the end of the post, deciding to own to her space.
91. Between the Paper Sheets (from Between the Paper Sheets): The first post of her blog when the author realized that she needed to write about her journey, and what the paper sheets referred to in the title mean to her.
92. Dum Spiro Spero (While I Breathe, I Hope) (from Hope Delayed): An exploration of the deep-seeded hope that is as much a life-giving force as her own breaths. And like oxygen, she can’t truly live without it.
93. I Never Knew (from Life As I Know It): The birth of her third child gives the author insight into how much she didn’t know from the premature birth of her twins, and this insight translates into a sense of loss over what she didn’t get to experience the first time around.
94. Seventeen (from Now As I Lay Me Down to Sleep…): A warning: you will most likely cry reading this post about doubting second love and then finding it to be special, and how that idea gives her hope as she mourns her son.
95. Retrospective (from Mina’s Musings): Using your blog as a measurement for how far you’ve come; for proof that things will not always be as they are, in both the good and bad sense of that idea.
96. Threads (from Knocked up by Another Man): A lovely post about defining the role the author’s egg donor (and her family) play in the life of her son.
97. Wagon Ride (from Miss Inconceivability): A red wagon is both the tangible reminder and receptacle to the author’s dream of having two children.
98. Comment Whore Shipwrecked on a Desert Island (from Happy – Go – Lucky): Like many who have been blogging for a long time, the author considers how life has changed for most of the people on her blogroll, and how that has also changed the amount of time people blog and comment. A post both lamenting and acknowledging this new place in the blogging.
99. Once in a Lifetime (from A Half Baked Life): Weaving in the idea that every day is once in a lifetime, the author talks about bonding with her daughter and the thoughts she has as people return to the classroom now that she is not in academia for the time being. It is about holding tight to the present, to being here in the moment rather than thinking about the past or future.
100. Feeling Left Behind (from No Kidding in NZ): A fantastic post reframing living childfree after infertility, showing the reality of the option, which is that it is a path that runs parallel and not behind other paths out of infertility. A post about no longer feeling left behind but instead walking alongside.
101. Too Much (from One Who Understands): The author’s friend thinks she understands infertility based on the movie The Backup Plan, and the author is upset when her friend comments that if she had to do an IUI, she probably wouldn’t have tried for her six children.
102. Shhhhhh . . . Creeping In . . . (from A Fifth Season): The author comes back to her blog to write out her visit to her daughter’s grave because other than Grief itself, no one else asks or listens to where she had been all day.
103. On Being The Non-Bio Mom, Or: A Great Big Bundle of Worry (from Bionic Mamas): A deeply honest post from the non-bio mother about how she felt about the idea of parenting before they conceived their son, during the pregnancy, and after he arrived and she held him.
104. My New Reality (from A Bend in the Road): A visit to a new town and seeing a shrine in the town lays raw all of the emotions the author feels after the death of her daughter.
105. The Other Side (from Hope for the Best): A lovely post as her son turns two months old recounting his birth story but ends with an admittance that even though he is here, the author can still see the beauty in all the other paths out of infertility, including the choice to live childfree.
106. When I Grow Up… (from On KK’s Butterfly Wings): Answering that she wanted to be a mother of a living child wouldn’t have occurred to the author in her youth when asked the question of what she wanted to be when she grew up. And she wonders if it would have made a difference to put her foot down and insist that it was what she wanted more than anything.
107. As Time Elapse…Elapses (from The Maybe Baby(Babies)): On her four year blogoversary, the author recounts going to a Ween concert, and how it’s sometimes better to remember youth than to try to revisit it.
108. You Gotta Have Faith-a-Faith-a-Faith-ahhhh (from Journey to the Center of the Uterus): Finding peace in her faith, the author explains how she found Jesus and the comfort in knowing that she is part of a larger plan.
109. Scars (from Do Without Doing): The removal of an external scar is the catalyst for the author to consider her internal, emotional scars from infertility.
110. New Beginnings… (from My Scar Smiles at Me, I Don’t Always Smile Back): The shattering of a necklace brings peace instead of distress as the author relays two stories that have recently given her hope.
111. Identity (from Braving IVF): The author quits her job in order to accommodate IVF, but then discovers that she doesn’t really know what to do with her new-found time nor how to talk about why she is out of work.
112. The Half Truth (from The Long Way Around): The author finds it easier to admit to their losses than it is to admit to their infertility, and she wonders why she can talk about one but not the other.
113. Music Monday #28 (from Our Life Journey): Jumping off of a song by Matt Hammitt, the author states that regardless of how long her children exist — whether it be for days or many years — she wants them to know how intensely she loves them.
114. The Infertility Identity (from What IF? ): The author points out that as much as people lament how little is known about infertility, by not speaking openly about infertility, people contribute to that problem. She encourages people to speaking frankly about their struggles in the same way they would other issues.
115. How We Got Here (from Write, Baby, Repeat): Pregnant after a donor egg cycle, the author busts open the myth that people finally get pregnant after they adopt once her grandfather makes this comment.
116. Reflecting on 2011 (from The Cornfed Feminist): Trying to finding meaning in the time it is taking her to get pregnant, the author points out that if she had gotten pregnant when they first started doing medicated cycles, she would have never started blogging about infertility and found this community.
117. Tough Stuff (from Under the Same Sky): A truly heartbreaking and ultimately beautiful post about how the author came to understand and find comfort in a behaviour she once couldn’t comprehend in a patient. A post about the ways in which we cope with loss.
118. A Maternal Moment (from Just Let Go): A fairly gross moment with her dog let’s the author know that she has what it takes to become a mother.
119. Inside/Outside Box (from Hope Floats Among the Cherry Blossoms): An exercise in designing an outside/inside box gives the author the space to mourn the twins she couldn’t adopt. A post about what deeply affects us despite the fact that we think we’re holding it at bay.
120. You Can’t Rush Grief (from Marriage 2.0): Grief comes in spirals; just one of the many lessons the author learned via her divorce and miscarriage, especially that grief cannot be rushed and is felt on its own timetable.
121. Never Is a Promise (from Les Terres Fertiles): Using Fiona Apple’s “Never is a Promise” to discuss infertility, the author grasps onto the idea of not fearing her dreams.
122. Birth Story! 10/6/11 (from A Road Well Traveled): A happy ending to a long journey — the birth of her twins from the water breaking to delivery.
123. The Universe is Trying to Break Me, But I Think I’m Already Broken (from For We Are Bound by Symmetry): With the soundtrack of another couple’s child’s heartbeat playing in the background, the author endures the annual exam from hell.
124. Am I Being Selfish? (from Searching for our Silver Lining): Turning the idea of the selfishness of fertility treatments on its head, the author ultimately points out that parenting itself is an act of great selfishness and selflessness at the same time.
125. One Year (from Love Life Project): The central question — whether the author is a mother despite not having her child alive — is answered by a slip of paper she leaves as a message to a future reader of a pregnancy loss book at a store.
126. What Not to Say to Someone With an Uncooperative Uterus (from Words and Pictures): An amusing post illustrated in clay figurines of the 12 things you definitely don’t want to say to someone struggling with infertility.
127. We Started a List of Names (from All I Ever Wished For…): A sad, almost dreamlike post about finding an empty sac after their IVF cycle, the one where they started to dream of baby names and plan for the future.
128. Interrupted Path (from Infertile In a Fertile Land): The author applies lessons learned from September 11th and her interrupted trip plans to her currently interrupted family building plans.
129. Thanksgiving (from Not Just an Army Wife ): As a fourth holiday season rolls around, the author asks when it’s going to be their turn to give a child a first Thanksgiving or Christmas. A post about finding thankfulness.
130. A Day Like Any Other (from Words Fly Up): The author doesn’t need an anniversary to miss her unborn children; it happens every single day of the year. A moving post about how that love doesn’t change with the calendar.
131. Thank You B. (from Nursing Infertility): A moment where the author’s husband stepped forward and supported her so fully that she knew without a doubt that all would be fine in the future.
132. Musings on Thanksgiving Day (from BIAGO – Baby, If All Goes Optimally): Written during a two week wait, a post imploring ALI bloggers to not feel pregnancy guilt if they’re lucky enough to get two lines.
133. Mythbusters: The Glowing Tomato (from Cradles and Graves): What does one do with their leftover syringes? A few creative ways (as well as some mindblowing facts) about how one couple put their syringes to other uses.
134. Dear Abby: You’re NUTS–Fostering is Not a Solution for Infertility or Adoption (from Creating a Family): A scathing response to Dear Abby’s not-too-informed advice counseling people who can’t afford adoption.
135. The Latina Factor (from The Corrocks): In addition to dealing with the common emotional elements of infertility, the author explains how the norms within her culture additionally come into play.
136. The Silence of Suffering (from Home Grown Love): The author makes a great point that in olden times, a woman who wasn’t having children after a certain point in marriage would be understood to have a medical issue and people would behave accordingly. Whereas in the modern age, she is subjected to hurtful comments.
137. An Orange, a Grapefruit and an Ass Hat (from Scrambled Eggs): A morphine-laden post depicting life from a hospital bed with OHSS.
138. Face Down Ass Up, That’s the Way We Like To… (from Exploring Chaos): Since her IVF cycle failed, the author’s normally mountainous sex drive has tanked and she wonders how to get her mojo back.
139. Tagged with Infertility (from Close Encounters with Fertility Treatment): In the same way that a blog post can be tagged, the author and her husband have been tagged with the term “infertility” and it has changed the way others scan them as well as how they see their own identity.
140. 21 Guns (from From IF to When): An incredible post taking the song “21 Guns” and using it to explain why the author is so tired of fighting people about the disease rather than fighting the disease itself. It contains this chilling line: “Sticks and stones never hurt my bones. Words did, a little. But taking away my womanhood ruined me.”
141. 10 Reasons Why Dogs are Better Than Kids (from Survive and Thrive): An ode to the author’s dogs; she recounts the numerous reasons why they top kids.
142. Everything Baby (from My Life in a Nut Shell): Not trying for a bit gives her both the space to breathe as well as a pit of sadness as life continues around her.
143. Take These 14 Simple Tests Before You Decide To Be Infertile (from Womb For Improvement): In the spirit of a popular meme, an amusing post about the 14 simple tests you can do before you “decide” to be infertile. Hint: have 50% of your friends pregnant and the other 45% trying to conceive so you always have a steady stream of pregnancy announcements.
144. Emotionally Ok… Mostly (from The Kay Khronicles): A tiny post admitting that after her loss, she is not emotionally okay.
145. Top 8 Reasons for IVF Stress… (from IVF Success Stories – Overcoming Infertility): The eight most common moments for stress during IVF including fertilization reports and betas.
146. Footprints (from Wonderfully Ordinary): A post that will make you smile about how the carpet in her guest room has changed — at least how she vacuums it — now that she has a baby.
147. Remembering (from Slowmamma): An incredibly moving post about her son’s identical twin brother who died and how she carries his memory.
148. Baby Making Roulette (from Single Infertile Female): Frustrated by the fact that the author is clearly ovulating and there’s no sex to be had in sight, she laments that she wishes there were more options for her beyond always waiting for IVF.
149. Miscarriage = A Broken Heart (from The Redhead Files): Getting the details off her chest, the author places all the small moments from her miscarriage on the screen.
150. Five Years Gone (from Life From Here: Musings From the Edge): Capturing the paradox that exists — her daughter would not be with her if she hadn’t lost her son — the author discusses how grief looks down the road, not realizing as she writes that she is nurturing another life.
151. 9 Months of Grief (from Wegen Tales): The author points out the other situations that are resolved within nine months and asks why grief can’t work in the same manner. A post about finding her strength in her religion.
152. It Never Occurred to Us That It Wouldn’t Work (from Rasta Less Traveled): In a raw post, the author admits that she never thought her surrogacy cycle wouldn’t work, and when it doesn’t, she is devastated.
153. My Guardian Angel (from A Blanket 2 Keep): The author shares with a friend that she is infertile and receives back all the support she needs.
154. The Gift (from MoJo Working): In the loss of her child, the author finds a reason to leave her old life behind, grab her husband’s hand, and run into their new life together; a gift that she admits comes from that loss, something her child gave her.
155. Adoption is Like a Roller Coaster Ride (from Fearlessly Infertile): A post comparing the adoption process to riding a roller coaster, that ends with a decision to ride this journey with her arms up in the air.
156. What a Difference a Year Makes (from Waiting for Little Feet): The author explains how she used to live with infertility vs. the space it takes up in her life now, choosing to focus on the present rather than only halfway participating in her life.
157. Four Months (from Fireworks and Rainbows): The author only got 33 hours with her child, and this post encapsulates her anguish and longing for her son.
158. Public Service Announcement and Symptom Updates by DPO (from Waiting Expectantly for the Unexpected): A reminder to readers about why the author blogs, what the blog is, and what it isn’t.
159. Brave (from Still Life with Circles): An injection at the doctor’s office brings all of her daughter’s emotions to the surface in a post that explores what it means to be brave and strong; the impermanence of life.
160. Living With Courage (from A Second Line): After the author almost loses her life in childbirth, she explains how she came to her philosophy to live without fear.
161. Working Toward the “Known” (from Weathering the Storm): The author is ready to move away from treatments, but her husband’s heart is still set on continuing on this path. She asks the reader how they decided to stop treatments.
162. Me and the Cuckoo Baby (from Grit and Patience): Using the analogy of the cuckoo bird’s behaviour, the author admits her anxieties about her donor egg baby not quite fitting; not just in size, but inside her heart, until she reassures herself with others she loves who are not biologically related.
163. Head in the Sand (from Detour): Dr. Google, the author explains, can be a blessing as much as it can also be a curse for the anxious, and she encourages women to speak up to their doctor if they have the symptoms for endometriosis.
164. The Spiraling Insanity (Part I) (from Fox In The HenHouse): A raw post about what it was like for the author to experience an ectopic pregnancy, the conflicting emotions and the physical aspects.
165. Love Letter to My Chemical Pregnancy (from This is More Personal): A note from mother to child as her pregnancy ends, telling her embryo that it is the first time she has gotten to experience pregnancy; that its very presence has brought her hope.
166. Facebook Killed the Blogger Star (from Our Family Beginnings): In a goodbye post, a blogger signs off for the time being after completing her family. Loving a site enough to know when it is time to leave it.
167. Acrostic (from Infertile Fantasies): Taking apart the words “fail” and “win,” the author dissects the highs and lows in parenting, examining what is working and what is not, and reminding herself that it is a long journey.
168. Choices of Marriage (from A Life of Choice): Speaking from a place where her marriage has come from a difficult period onto much smoother ground, the author considers what worked for them.
169. AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaarrrrrgggggggghhhhhhh! (from Things get IF’fy): An amusing post fast-forwarding to life in the nursing home and how the author thinks she might react to people talking about their grandchildren as well as having that need to pretend to still be stimming when she’s old and grey.
170. Secret Fears (from My Lazy Ovaries): A very honest post about the author’s secret fears about infertility; whether her past thoughts are somehow sabotaging her current efforts as well as whether she is attempting to build her family for the “right” reasons.
171. I Thought We Were Suppose to Support Each Other! (from The Rocky Road to Motherhood): Pointing out the darker side of the ALI community, the author implores bloggers not to stop reading and supporting someone once they make it to pregnancy or parenting. A post about how we need more caring and less judging.
172. Who Would Have Thought? (from 1tsp grace): A brief, sweet post about the difference a year makes.
173. Sibling Rivalry (from Compromised Fertility): The author returns to the sibling rivalry she felt as a child when her sister mentions that she is going to try to get pregnant right after her wedding, and she has a sinking sense that this will probably go easily for her sister even though it has been difficult for her.
174. 36 Eggs – What the?!?! (from Donor Eggs Journey): A beautiful post about meeting her son’s egg donor when they return to see if they can create a sibling for him. She describes the interaction as well as how she feels seeing her son’s features on this woman’s face.
175. On Becoming the Crazy Infertile Lady (from Getting There): The author jokingly fears that she is nearing her point of becoming a crazy infertile lady and provides a list of the five signs that will show she has gone over the edge.
176. You Must Give Up the Live You’ve Planned In Order to Find the Life That’s Waiting for You. (from A Fine Mess): The author kicks infertility to the curb (and beats her ass for good measure) through the song “Stronger” by Sara Evans.
177. Six Weeks and Peace Remains (from Our Life & God’s Plans): How one woman finds peace with G-d after receiving their infertility diagnosis.
178. Breaking Up with Treatment (from Searching for the Missing Piece): A post about how difficult it is for her to breakup with treatments, even though the author knows that it’s the right choice for her. Using the analogy of a relationship, she tries to explain why it is so difficult to walk away.
179. The ART of Conception (from Sybil and Alex): A helpful post about the science behind conception, and how treatments and medication aid in the creation of a life when a woman has PCOS.
180. Mommy’s Garden (from Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed): Retelling a story that a friend told her, the author gives a parable for how to explain donor eggs to a child.
181. So, It’s *THAT* Day, Eh? (from Hobbit-ish Thoughts and Ramblings): While others ask the author if she is excited for her first Mother’s Day, she explains that this moment feels anticlimactic considering that she has already considered herself a mother even when the rest of the world didn’t.
182. In The House I Built (from My Star In Heaven): A gorgeous analogy to life as a home, with her focus being the figurative room that should have held her daughter.
183. My Brother In-Law Vince (from A Single Journey): A moving post that goes from the inappropriate thoughts she has during the church service to finally understanding why a woman at the church asks for the same prayer every week.
184. Tolerant of the Intolerant (from Erat Mama): A post about the ignorant things people say and protecting your future children from other people’s hate. A beautiful look at the idea of being tolerant of the intolerant.
185. Journey (from Adventures of Taderbaby): A story about trying again after infertility. The author relays the story of being pregnant with their current child, and how it went from feeling hopeless to full of hope.
186. Confessions of an Infertile (from The 2 Week Wait): The discrepancy between the truth and how we answer questions about infertility. A fantastic vent about the thoughts that she never feels right releasing.
187. Dust in the Shadows (from Cullen’s Blessings): A breathtaking, brief poem about the death of her child.
188. On “Giving Up” (from Bodega Bliss): A very important post to read about what the author has learned about the concept of giving up. She writes: “It turns out I was wrong all along. This isn’t giving up. This is knowing when you’ve done all that your heart can bear.”
189. Dear George (from Burble): A beautiful letter from parent to child about missing him while still feeling his presence everywhere she goes.
190. Backstory (from Donating Hope): The author looks at how her first marriage still continues to haunt her life to this day without her realizing it before this point. A beautiful post about the decisions we make and what the heart wants.
191. Contraception (from Ginger and Lime): A sobering look at how we believe we have control, and how much is actually out of our hands. A post about everything the author thought about getting pregnant, and the reality of how little they needed birth control in the end.
192. The Power of Our Love (from Dragondreamer’s Lair): A beautiful post about the quilt a community came together to make for one of their own, and the woman who spearheaded the project providing the behind the scenes story.
193. On Wanting More (from Manapan’s Space): Even while being grateful for what she has, the author admits that having her son doesn’t erase what came before nor keep her from wanting more.
194. Forget Weddings and Baby Showers…..IVF Extravaganza is all the New Rage (from Petri Dish Chronicles): Going through the fine details such as wardrobe and celebration drinks, the author compares being a bride-to-be, a mother-to-be, or a woman going through IVF and finds the winner.
195. Confessions of an Infertile Mother-to-Be (from The Stork Drop Zone): A deeply raw post about the reality of surrogacy; the losses inherent in the process even while keeping your eyes on the end result. A very honest post about the experience.
196. Well, If My Chart Didn’t Say “Crazy” Before, It Does Now (from Three Cats and a Baby): The author explains how anxious she is about an impending appointment with her doctor after her hysterectomy, and why she put it off for so long. A post about the phone conversation with the office after she mentions her 10-month-old son.
197. Thoughts on BFP Blogs (from The Chronicles of Violetta Margarita): Sound advice on writing after your infertility blog turns into a pregnancy or parenting blog.
198. On Luck (from Meier Madness): Since good luck has found her at other points in life, the author assumed that ease would be the case in building her family and grapples with whether or not luck will find her again.
199. Bust a Myth (from Mommy Mahem): Busting an infertility myth, the author explains how parenting after adoption adds additional layers, and that it isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution to family building issues.
200. My Infertility Manifesto (from Notes from the Ninth Circle – Jessie’s Infertility Journal): A manifesto about how she is dealing with infertility, and how what she is feeling is completely normal considering the circumstances.
201. Father’s Day (from Chasing Rainbows): On Father’s Day, the author gives a small prayer of thanks to her son’s donor, who — while not his father in any sense of the world — still is important to her because without him, her son wouldn’t be here.
202. Mommy Balancing Act (from The Subfertile Frugalista): The author admits that she doesn’t balance motherhood well, pointing out all the places where she is lacking, all the while cognizant that in the place that is most important to her, she is completely present.
203. Don’t Bet on 14 (from Where Love And Chaos Reign): After getting positive pregnancy tests at 10dpo, she discovers her hCG is 14, and two days later, only 11. A heartbreaking post about loss.
204. Stretch Marks (from The Lotus Flower): The stretch marks that she despised during pregnancy become a loving mark of her motherhood after the loss of her daughter. She explains that it is okay that her body will never be the same again, since she will never be the same again after this loss.
205. How to Explain to Someone What IF Feels Like (from The Port of Indecision): Using the acronym “bitch, please,” the author gives 11 facts about how infertility affects a person deeply.
206. Is This What Healing Looks Like (from Once A Mother…): Jumping off the concept of what it means to heal after losing a child, the author talks about what gave her the strength to continue living. And how in living itself, she came to heal albeit with scars.
207. Crazy Cat Lady (from Somewhere in the Middle): After the sting of a friend’s comment that the author has become a Crazy Cat Lady, she embraces the idea of how much her cat means to her, especially the love he gives her when she is down.
208. My Baby Has a Grandma (from Plan B(aby)): A warning: you will cry reading this post. A beautiful story about the daughter she lost, Naomi, and how in naming her after the loss, it led to a larger story of the people we know on earth and the moments perhaps that come after death.
209. Happy Independence Day! (from Babylicious Tales): On Independence Day, the author applies that concept of freedom to all the choices we have as infertile women on ways to get to parenthood as well as how to parent once we get there.
210. Slowly Losing My Sanity (from Which Way To Baby): The madness that is the first days after a positive beta; the hope and anxiety that mark the experience.
211. Infertility 101 (from This Space For Rent): Doing away with infertility myths, the author focuses on the facts of infertility including how many people are affected and how relaxing doesn’t make babies.
212. Being a Shut-In, or How Big is Home? (from Where Do We Go From Here?): The story of how her world expanded and contracted, due to infertility, and the comfort that comes from knowing a space — no matter how large or small — extremely well.
213. Accepting That This is the Path We’re On (from Invisible Mother): As much as the diagnosis is difficult to hear, the author explains why it also brings her peace to be fighting for a baby rather than fighting to not have a problem named.
214. The Luckiest (from Monkey Soup): Redefining the term “luck,” the author explains how this is a loaded word within adoption and alternative ways to look at it.
215. The Art of IVF (from Dear Infertility): Like cooking and baking, other art forms and lithography, IVF requires the doctor to both know a formula and leave it in order to accommodate all the tiny details that make a unique human being.
216. Comfort Zones (from Skytimes): The Internet becomes the mental space she needs as much as the physical space to find her sense of comfort.
217. Boxes and Dust Part 2 (from A Woman My Age): Going through mementos from the past, the author admits that the tiny reminders of infertility still get to her.
218. Right Where I Am: 12 years, 9 months (from The Road Less Travelled): Participating in a project of where she is in her grief at this very moment, the author relays the 13 years between the loss of her daughter and now. It is a bittersweet post about love, about noticing the ways we differ, and the price that was paid to have the life she has now.
219. How I Look At Children (from First Time Twins): The author explains why she may come across as someone not fond of children despite how much she wants to have children, providing an excellent analogy to brownies to boot.
220. Remember When Nancy Kerrigan Got Hit In The Knee And She Was Sobbing “Why Me?” Over And Over? Yeah. I’m Trying To Avoid That. (from Eggs In A Row): A great post using the story of Tanya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan to put her sister’s pregnancy (and attending her shower) into perspective.
221. Am I Delusional? (from Diaries by Lucy): An explanation of how different IVF is this second time around, with the emotions of their first foray into treatments gone after the birth of their son.
222. The Butterfly (from Team Baby): An incredibly moving post about a butterfly found in the backyard that serves as a reminder of her embryos that didn’t make it.
223. Infertility Is Just Like A Fatal Disease, Only Worse. (from Becoming Parents): Explaining how infertility is fatal, killing the dreams you once had of your life, the author writes, “This disease is every bit as fatal as cancer, only with one horrible caveat — at the end, you physically remain alive and will spend the rest of your days on earth mourning the death of the life you always wanted.”
224. Frustration (from IF In Big Sky Country): An incredibly frustrating interaction with medical staff who take their time to convey that the author’s husband has a tumour in his kidney. The first post about the cancer that was part of their year.
225. A Year and A Half (from Baby Shmaybe…?): A catch-up post coming 18 months after her last post, the author tells the story of conceiving and delivering her son.
226. One Year Ago (from Even Miracles Take a Little Time): Instead of focusing on the day of birth, the author retells the day of her child’s conception, the IUI that brought her son to life.
227. The Girl I Used To Be (from The Misadventures of Missohkay): A wish that she could go back in time and warn herself of all she would endure in the course of a year. A post about the dates that haunt her as well as ultimately holding on to hope that life will be different in the future.
228. Mikveh Night (from The Journey to Baby G): The author talks about the turning point when going to the mikveh — a ritual bath — went from being a time of hope to a reminder of what isn’t there.
229. All We Are Is Broken (from Life and Love in the Petri Dish): After going for broke, the author admits that all they have to show for it is that they are broken. A post about mourning and the far-reaching effects of infertility.
230. Mothers’ Day (from Baby Smiling In Back Seat): With the most moving line of all — “At the time, I had no idea that 2010 would be the only Mothers’ Day of my life that I’d both be a mother and have a mother.” — the author walks through how she spent the holiday over the years, the longing and loss.
231. Miraculous Time (from Kmina’s Blog): A new mother explains why she isn’t in any rush to engage in sleep training, pointing out that all of us have mothers who feel about us the way she feels about her new baby.
232. Where Does Faith Come From (from Bring on the Babies…): Grappling with the idea of faith, the author explains how hers was shaken while relaying several stories that will send chills down your arms.
233. Stumbling Blocks (from Viva la Vida): Taking the “in” at the beginning of infertility, the author tells what she will be in vs. focusing on the things she is without.
234. On The Universe That Does Not Give a Damn and The Resolution of Loss (from Stork Stalking): In trying to make sense of why terrible things happen, the author explores the idea that out of destruction comes creation.
235. Being Appreciative (from Hapa Hopes): Maybe it’s the wait that makes the heart that much more accommodating; the author recalls dating and applies the experience to waiting for her child.
236. Just Relax (Lest I Forget) (from A Field of Dreams): A scathing response to the useless advice of “Just Relax” as the author recalls different locations on her infertility journey: the kitchen floor, the clinic’s office, the emergency room.
237. The Miscarriage and Infertility Phenomenon (from Life, Loss, and Other Things Worth Mentioning): The author points out how one rarely notices how frequently they see pregnant women or Facebook statuses about pregnancy until one is confronting infertility, and she explains what she says to herself in order to deal with these continuous visual reminders.
238. Infertility and Deployment: An Analogy (from The Annoyed Army Wife): In order to explain what infertility is like, the author creates an analogy to the unknowns of deployment. A valuable door for people to walk through to understand her experience.
239. My Infertility Story All Wrapped Up In A Bow (from My Infertility Story): The act of compressing her 3 year infertility journey into a timeline makes her reflect on how infertility has affected her life.
240. Two Years Of Wedded Bliss (from If You Don’t Stand For Something): On the 2nd anniversary of their marriage, the author looks at how she has become a stronger woman and they have become a stronger couple together. A beautiful post from wife to husband.
241. An In Between Place (from Here We Go Again): The author points out a hole in the English language, the emotional no-man’s-land between miscarriage and stillbirth, and how her loss doesn’t fit in either space.
242. Steps (from Worrier/Warrior): A beautiful post about letting go of the past and realizing that she is free to be happy, that she doesn’t need to remain mentally in the same place she was when going through infertility.
243. Definition of Family (from CD1 Again): A wonderful post by a stepmother trying to explain to her stepdaughter her place in her life, all the while trying to figure out how we define family.
244. Saying Goodbye Again (from Sunnydaytodaymama): A mother says goodbye to the embryos that didn’t make it post-transfer, all the while looking at her IVF child and knowing how much he wants to be a big brother.
245. Letter in Green Biro (from Nuts in May): A scathing response to a thoughtless advice column that condescendingly told a childless woman that she was the envy of mothers.
246. The Reason (from BagMomma): A thought-provoking post about why things happen, and the purpose of the struggles in life.
247. Shine On: This One is For You (from Chasing our Stork: From ART to Adoption): A video set to the song “Shine On” encapsulating all of the author’s emotions regarding infertility.
248. Full Circle (from Can I Get Some Sugar with these Lemons?): A Journey song brings catharsis for the author and her husband after the birth of their long-awaited child.
249. Destiny (from Witty Infertility): Rejecting the idea that her life is only complete after she reaches a milestone, the author embraces all that is currently good in her life right now.
250. Why I Killed Facebook (from Fertility Alphabet Soup): The author explains why she shutdown her Facebook account, and how her life hasn’t really changed at all with the exception that she doesn’t need to wade through pregnancy announcements anymore.
251. And Then it Hits Me… (from A Nuttier Life): When her SIL announces her pregnancy, the author realizes that the timing is similar to the child she lost; that as they were losing their pregnancy, another family member was creating life. And this realization hits her hard.
252. Mixed Emotions (from Not The Path I Chose): A moving post about how the author processes Mother’s Day without her mum.
253. Why I Call Myself an Infertile (from As Good As It Gets?): The author explains why she still calls herself infertile even after having a child. It isn’t about being stuck in the past; it’s about paying it forward.
254. What a Change a Year Makes (from Lessons from an Infertile Social Worker): A year later and her entire life different, a mother states: “Hope is a magical thing, never lost forever. It is always there, waiting to be found, waiting to be allowed back in. It’s a matter of seeing it, though it may not necessarily be in the form you expected it to be.”
255. Our Adoption Reopens (Subtitled “Adoption Is Hard”) (from Barren Woman): As the author moves from a closed to an open adoption, she writes a moving, important post about the reality of adoption.
256. If Given The Chance (from Funny Little Pollywogs): An emotional poem from a mother to her lost children about all the things she would have done.
257. The Walk (from Slaying, Blogging, Whatever…): A happy post about a walk with her daughter; a simple day in the life with so many additional layers underneath.
258. …And There Always Glad You Came (from Three is a Magic Number): The author, parenting after infertility, at first believes herself to be different from the Other Mothers, but a night out makes her realize that maybe she has more in common than she initially thinks.
259. 25 Dollars (Canadian) (from Mommy Odyssey): Feeling desperate for a modicum of control following another miscarriage, the author shells out money to an online baby psychic for information on when her children would arrive. The lessons learned for $25 bucks and an ectopic pregnancy.
260. August (from I Lost a World): Marveling at the child who is here while mourning the child who is not; a note from mother to son about the love she feels for his sister, the anger she feels over his absence.
261. What I Hope my Child Would Want Me to Know (from Journey of Hope): Instead of a letter from mother to lost child, this letter is from the point-of-view of a baby gone too soon; what she wants her mother to know.
262. Like a Broken Record (from BattleFish): 3 months after the death of her mother, the author wonders how no one can tell that her smile doesn’t extend up to her eyes. While the rest of the world moves on, she continues to internally mourn so intensely that it seems strange that people can’t sense it externally.
263. Biological Clock (from Created Family): The author debates the balance between giving up her carefree twenties to the stress of infertility vs. starting family building early enough that more choices are open on her path.
264. Finding my Sight (from Not a Fertile Myrtle): The author realizes that if given the choice, she wouldn’t give up her infertility. Because even though she is still in the struggle to reach parenthood, infertility has given her a new view of the world.
265. A Day in The Life (from Future Expectations): A typical day in the very busy life of a single mum of twins.
266. Hot and bothered (from Non Sequitur Chica): The reality is that none of us know what is happening in someone else’s world when we ask a question, and this post serves as a good reminder for the thoughts unsaid in the conversation.
267. Balance (from The Smartness): A gorgeous post about parenting after infertility that states: “I asked ‘Why me?’ when I couldn’t get pregnant. Now I ask (again), ‘Why me?’ Why were we lucky, when it seems that so many others are overlooked?”
268. Griefs Rolling Tides – Mourning a Child (from Hiding Scars in my Yarn): A mother explains what it is like to lose a child — from the moments after the loss to way down the road when someone asks you if you have children.
269. The Death of the Fear of Dying (from My Lady of the Lantern): A painfully raw post to read; the author describes a time when her daughter was already dead, but she had not yet been told, and she was ready to give G-d her own life in order to have her child live. A moving post about the depth of love.
270. Miscarriages are Real Losses (from Stumbling Gracefully): The author busts open myths about miscarriage, explaining that when the loss isn’t validated, it adds to the physical and emotional pain already experienced by the woman.
271. Way Wanted Babies (from IF Crossroads): At a picnic held by her fertility clinic, the author finds her tribe after feeling different from other parents for so long. Spending time at an event for people parenting after infertility changes her perspective on parents.
272. Three (from Production, Not Reproduction): A beautiful letter from mother to daughter on her child’s third birthday with a hope that while she may not remember the specifics of her life at age three, that her child will always have imprinted on her being how she went through this world so deeply loved.
273. The Back and Forth of Heartbreak (from Bio Girl): A heartbreaking post about rationally knowing that the journey is over but the heart being unable to let go of the idea of still trying to build the family that exists in her dreams.
274. Breathing (A Poem) (from Four of a Kind): With each breath a mother takes, she remembers the child she carried and lost. A beautiful poem infusing a body with oxygen and memories.
275. My Son Processes his Adoptedness (from WriteMindOpenHeart): A mother keeps the lines of communication open with her son in regards to adoption and helps him over an emotional bridge when discussing his birthmother.
276. Occupy Blog Street (from Stirrup Queens): A post for the 99% of bloggers who don’t make the “best of” lists each year, the author encourages writers to protest by occupying their own blog and writing a kickass post.

That was interesting — the division in reactions to my last post about commentary on weight loss.  To me, there is also a difference between an aquaintance saying something and a good friend or family member.  Friends are privy to the fact that I have changed the way I’ve been eating; aquaintances, beyond those who read this blog, are not.

So.

How did I change the way I eat?

I really can’t imagine a post more boring than describing lettuce-eating.  I thought I’d spice this up by adding in zombies and a magical squirrel who will grant you 16 wishes and a pie I found that has NO CALORIES!  But… I don’t know… I am outlining this as much for the people who asked how I lost the weight as I am for me because let’s be honest: old habits die hard and there is no guarantee that this weight will still be off years from now.  I want to be able to look back on how I did this.

But there’s a really huge problem with weight loss posts in general, an elephant in the room that most people who create eating plans refuse to acknowledge: one solution does not fit all.  It doesn’t even fit some.  Like the one I did?  It sort of fits only one — me — the person who lost the weight.  I know this because I have tried to follow what other people have done numerous times before, and it has never worked.  I don’t believe in replication, but I believe in the gathering of ideas, so in the spirit of that, this is how I lost 30 pounds.

Starting Point

I started by passing up Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig and Whole30… pretty much every eating plan or healthy eating idea package.  Because packaged ideas don’t really work for me, though they obviously work for a lot of other people, hence their popularity.  I started with the idea that since there was no plan out there I felt comfortable following to a T, and the tweaks I’d need to make would affect the results, I should go with no plan at all.  It was like Richard Pryor in Brewster’s Millions chanting: “what are you gonna vote?” and my internal voice echoing back, “none of the above!”

And then I tried to figure out what I know about myself, since my personality seemed like it would be the hardest thing to change.  Eating habits, in other words, seemed more malleable than character traits, and I didn’t think it possible to change who I am.

I am someone inherently lazy.  I don’t like to move around too much.  I think best when I’m driving or taking a shower; not when I’m taking a long walk.  I will always opt for reading a book over exercising.  But if I do have to exercise, I like running.

I am incredibly stubborn.  I’m good at walking away from something if a door is firmly closed, but I have trouble letting go if there’s any chance that the door might open at some point.  I like sweet things over salty things.  I hate fried foods.  I won’t try anything just for the sake of trying something.  I have more foods on my will-not-eat list than I do on my foods-I-enjoy list.

I like to keep track of things.  I am a fan of to-do lists.  I like writing everything down, especially blogging.

Now would not be a good time to add anything else to my schedule because I already feel stretched too thin.

Um… that pretty much sums up what I came up with — all things I thought would add or subtract from my ability to eat healthy.

Now What?

So I took everything I realized about myself, and I started to see what was going to help me lose the weight and what was going to derail me.  Writing everything down seemed like a good starting point.  I began by downloading an app called My Fitness Pal.  Years ago, I had a lot of luck in gaining control of my eating habits with Weight Watchers.  Okay, so I was cheap and I didn’t really do Weight Watchers in the formal sense, but my friend taught me the general idea and I recorded everything I was eating.  My Fitness Pal is free and self-explanatory vs Weight Watchers which would require me to learn how to use that system, so I went with MFP.

I needed to change the way I ate before I added in exercise.  I think I needed to see some result first before I could talk myself into giving up more of my time or changing more of my habits.  So I waited until the first five or so pounds came off, and then I added in running.

And yoga.

I added in yoga because Lori likes yoga.  I signed up for two weeks of yoga and hated it on the first day.  But I had already paid for two weeks, so I went back again the next day and it was a little better.  And by the end of the fourth class, I had convinced myself that I could fit this into my life and do it religiously.  Do I love yoga — no.  If you told me tomorrow I never had to exercise again, I would take you up on that.  But in so far as exercise goes, yoga has been a good fit for me.  I like the vinyasa flow classes.

How Much is a Cup?

My friend turned me on to the recipes at Skinnytaste.  I like that she doesn’t use chemicals to cook; she just uses realistic portions and lower fat ingredients.  Uh… about those realistic portions.  A cup of pasta is much smaller than what I thought of as a cup of pasta.  I started using smaller plates and bowls and measuring my portions, writing down what I was really consuming.  So… yeah… if I took three servings of pasta I had to admit that I just ate three servings of pasta.  Which meant that I stopped eating three servings because eating that food meant that I couldn’t have other food later on.

The first few days of eating normal-sized portions were hard and I was hungry, but after about three days, I got over the hump and I started feeling satiated.  I also would take one portion and cut it in half, leaving part of it back in the pot so I could feel like I was having seconds even if all I was doing was having the other half a cup to make up the one cup portion.

I also halved every restaurant meal, immediately setting aside half of it to take home.  I started asking myself if I was eating because something tasted good or if I was eating because I was hungry.  If it was the first case, I stopped.  If it was the second case, I kept going.

No Cheat Days

I know that if I give myself an inch, I take a mile.  Or, more accurately, I found that when I tried to introduce the idea of ending my day with one Hershey kiss as a treat, I moved to two or three kisses on a bad day, and then two handfuls of kisses in the middle of the day… you get the point.  I know that about myself.  I know a lot of people suggest having a day of the week where you stop thinking about how you’re eating, but I can’t do that with myself and stay on track the rest of the time, in the same way that I can’t talk myself into the idea of skydiving.  Knowing this about my personality, I make myself stick to this way of eating and recording everything I eat in the app, even when I go on holiday or to a party.

Permission Days

On the other hand, there are days when I crave something or when I can’t control the food situation, and in those cases, I give myself permission to eat the food in front of me and be mindful about it.  I’ll have pizza for dinner, but I eat the rest of the day knowing that I’m having pizza for dinner and adjust accordingly.  I’ll exercise more or sometimes just suck it up and know that I consumed more calories than I need that day.  Afterwards, I set that hour or that day or that weekend aside and return to my normal meals.  Using MFP is great because I can look back and see a day when I stuck to my calorie count and then go back and replicate that day’s food in order to get back on track.

No Clothes in the Middle

I know some people use visual reminders — a picture of themselves at a weight they want to return to or buying clothes that they hope to fit into once the weight is off — but I also know that those tricks would derail me more than motivate me.  I waited to buy new clothes until the old clothes looked like clown pants.

Last Point, a Reiteration

My only real advice that you can take away from this post is to know yourself, because you will determine whether something does or doesn’t work for you.  You are going to be the one who derails things and you are going to be the one who holds fast to things.  I am working against myself at all times; there are aspects to my personality that keep me from being successful in eating healthy, and I need to acknowledge and own those traits because they are part of me.  To be fair, I also have personality traits that make eating healthy easy for me.  So I need to embrace those characteristics.

You can change the way you eat — you may not be thrilled with the new lessons, but you can do it.  But it is much harder to change who you are — you are stuck with yourself, both the good and the bad.  And knowing that, tailor your plan accordingly because you are the only person who knows what works (and doesn’t work) for you.

And that’s how I did it.  I would love to hear your tips too since I am always collecting more that I may or may not be able to incorporate into my life.

I have lost a lot of weight since last February, almost 30 pounds.  Because some people asked, I’m going to outline how I changed my eating habits in a separate post that you can read or skip.  I lost the weight because I (1) was scared about my visit to the general practitioner, especially that she might say that I was prediabetic… or diabetic, (2) wasn’t fitting into a lot of my clothes comfortably, and (3) didn’t feel great, especially my joints.

I did not, I just want to point out, lose weight because I didn’t like the way I looked.

I actually thought that I looked pretty smokin’ hot 30-more-pounds ago.  Especially when I wore my beige suede-like pants and my sister’s grey sweater.  I would throw on that outfit and feel beautiful.*

Prior to February, with the exception of Josh and a handful of close family members, people rarely commented on my looks.  Understandable since I’m in my late thirties, not exactly an age that attracts a lot of attention, and I’m not an extraordinary beauty by any definition.  But still, everyone is on the receiving end of some commentary about their looks — either critically or complimentary — at a certain point in their life, and I assumed that point in life had passed for me when the comments on my looks had trickled dry years earlier.  I only missed the idea of people commenting on my looks when I forgot about how many times I’ve been upset by something a person said.  How statements about looks often sound — mostly unintentionally — like backhand compliments making commentary on some other facet of life.

And regardless of all that, it didn’t matter if no one else spoke about how I looked because the only person who mattered is myself and if I felt good about my looks, though — to be completely honest — Josh’s opinion mattered too.  Josh makes me feel beautiful, so in turn, I believed myself beautiful.

Still, I was willing to change how I looked if it also changed my health situation.  Because how I was eating, how I was living, was not very healthy.

Within a few weeks of changing the way I ate, people started commenting on how good I looked, and now, 30 pounds later, the commentary has reached a fever pitch, especially with people who don’t see me very often.  People are constantly telling me that I look fabulous.  They tell me that I’ve gotten so skinny.  That I look amazing.  And I know why they’re saying this — because weight loss is such a huge part of American culture (the focus on your weight, that is) that people believe it is ALWAYS a compliment if you are physically okay (meaning, the weight loss is not a symptom of illness) and losing weight.  They want to point out that they’ve noticed my hard work, since losing weight is hard work, and in the same way they would comment on a new book deal if I physically wore the contract as a dress, they are responding to the physical reminder of an accomplishment.

For the people I have shared the fact that I changed the way I ate — family members, friends, and all of you — it makes sense to comment on my weight, and I don’t feel self-conscious at all.  I told you I was doing this, I obviously stuck to that promise, and you are now commenting that you notice my hard work, and for that, I am grateful.  It feels nice to have an accomplishment recognized, and it is no small accomplishment to completely overhaul 38 years of eating habits.

But there are people who I know don’t read the blog, they aren’t friends or family members, and when they comment on the weight loss, they preface it by asking if I’ve lost weight, as if they’re checking before they continue with their train of thought.  Those people invariably say that I look amazing or fabulous or so skinny, and instead of making me feel good, it makes me wonder how they saw me months ago when I was 30 pounds heavier.  Because I thought I looked beautiful back then, and while it didn’t really matter to me that they said nothing about my looks at the time, the fact that they are commenting now means that they either have been sucked into the weight-loss-is-always-good-and-should-be-recognized myth OR they thought I looked like crap before and I am finally pretty in their eyes.

These are people who have even seen me in the beige-pants-and-grey-sweater ensemble.

It’s sort of like, if they didn’t think to tell me that I was pretty 30 pounds ago, they probably don’t need to tell me that I’m pretty now.  Perhaps we don’t have the sort of relationship where we comment on each other’s physical traits, and that is a good thing then to continue to that vein and not comment on each other’s weight.  Because the flip side is that I could put on all of that weight again — it is just so easy to do — and what will I think that they’re thinking when I’m 30 pounds heavier again?  That I’m not pretty anymore?  That my looks are fine, but not worth mentioning?

I am really not sure what the answer is.  On one hand, compliments make a person feel good.  On the other hand, compliments can apparently make a person question the unspoken words behind the statement.  Which is not to say that people shouldn’t give compliments, but rather that this is what goes through my head sometimes when a non-family member/friend/all of you comment on my weight.

How do you feel when people tell you that you look amazing after a change?  Am I the only one who feels this way?

* I’m aware that saying I thought I looked beautiful makes me vain (and in this Internet world, practically invites people to tell you that you’re actually ugly).  And while I doubt that I will ever be asked to pose for the cover of Sports Illustrated nor win a pageant (or even have some creepy art teacher ask me if I want to be a nude model for his class), I think I have moments, when I smile, where I look pretty by my standards.  And I would like to teach my daughter not to fall into the trap of continuously berating her features and instead accept them, finding beauty in their familiarity.  And that starts by projecting a happiness with my own looks, even as I contemplate giving in to colouring my hair.