Tally Marks
Infertility feels like those people you’re connected to on Facebook who are part of a different period of life. You rarely interact with them, but because you’re connected, they sometimes pop up in your feed and you think, “Oh, right, Infertility.”
I was seeing a new doctor, and her first question was “how many pregnancies?”
“How many children?” I asked.
“No, I asked you how many pregnancies.”
It wasn’t unkind; it wasn’t thoughtless. It was just the question she needed answered in the moment, and I fumbled through it, feeling like my body was being judged even though I could tell from her expression that it wasn’t. It was just a fact.
Afterwards, I was in a different waiting room, standing behind a woman with a gurgling baby. The baby was fussing but stopped to smile at me because I was smiling hugely at her, making funny faces. The mother noticed and nodded as if to say thank you for the distraction, and I wanted the universe to note that I do that well when it comes to kids. I may suck at creating them or internally growing them but I rock at interacting with them.
That should count for something.
13 comments
Oh. This. I have 2 children. I also had 2 pregnancies. One of my children is adopted and one of my pregnancies did not make it to term. I despise the “how many” question (thought I get why and I get that no one means any harm) because there is so much more, so many layers underneath. And it throws me off every time.
I wonder what kind of information “how many pregnancies” (vs “how many children”) actually gives.
That question is always a sucker punch. The last time I had to answer it, I got an “I’m so sorry.” The question still rattled me for the rest of the day.
I understand the need for facts and why physicians ask these questions. Still, I wish there was a disclaimer for stuff like this. Or at least training for every medical practitioner that this is a trigger for many.
If you rocking with interacting with kids does count. Hell, I think it’s more valuable.
Yes I seem to get asked this whenever filling out forms even for my same doctor who’s updating their records. It doesn’t sting now. Worst tho was when I had a SCH scare with my first kid and they asked that at the ER.
I hate that question too. It makes me feel like a failed Mrs. Duggar. Most of the time in my life I’m over it, and then I get that question when I’m at the dentist or something and all of a sudden it’s 2002 again. Ugh.
Yes. Babies love me, too. Which makes me feel special and breaks my heart. Especially when people say, “You’re a natural!”
Which is worse? Pity or cluelessness?
Those two questions…I’ve found few doctors who really read the chart beforehand, or acknowledge the reality of it. I avoid doctors. Even obgyns, who should know better.
Heh. I always feel relief that my number of pregnancies matches my number of children. And I get why it would be painful if it doesn’t. The awkward question for me at this point is when people ask if I’m planning (ha) more pregnancies and then when they get my uncertain answer (because that’s all I can manage atm) rattle on about the protocol for that. And I know it’s just part of the post partum routine but I always feel like I have to explain myself while feeling that the explanation is hopelessly inadequate.
Wow, you’ve hit on several topics for me to go away and think about in this post.
I’m glad you get to forget about it, and I’m sorry that you have the these unpleasant reminders.
You’ve given me my topic for my Microblog Monday post (and maybe some more), and so I thank you!
You do rock at interacting, and surely that counts for even more (I certainly hope it does!).
That question crushes me every time.
It counts for so much! I’m so sorry that you were suckerpunched at the doctor. There are so many landmines out there when you go to a new doctor, or even an old one with a new nurse or new system. That question gets me, too, although in some weird ways it makes me feel a certain sort of ownership, because when it’s children or births, I have a big fat zero, but when it’s pregnancies, I claim two. It’s a chance to have those brief moments be real, in a weird way. I hope they get that information in there and then don’t have to ask again…I wonder with all the electronic records and the records that follow you from place to place so easily now why they need to ask those questions. Hmm.
That question is now part of the required ones for donating blood. Why should it matter if I had 10 or 0 pregnancies and whether I had 0 or 10 children? My blood was perfectly fine last year before that question got added to the queue. Ugh!
I really appreciate when a dr asks how many pregnancies instead of how many ‘live births’. It always feels like a lie (of omission) to skip those losses. I want credit for those lost hopes, for that pain, for those brief lives. So I know why it stings but it is better to me than being forced to smooth it away.