“We Covet What We See”
There was a Carolyn Hax column this week that resonated so deeply that I left it starred in my inbox so I could keep thinking about it everyday. The situation didn’t fit my life, but the advice was spot-on… well… for everyone.
The question was about a person who sabotaged his/her brother’s relationship because he/she was jealous. Things weren’t going well in the asker’s life, so he/she made up a story that the brother’s girlfriend was cheating on him. It was quickly apparent that it was a lie, and now everything was awkward between them. The question asker wanted to know how to make things okay between the asker and his/her sibling again.
She explains the root cause of jealousy using a line from Silence of the Lambs — “We covet what we see.” She explains: “We see people right next to us and interpret their lives as basically the same as ours except better.” I added the italics because that was the line that made me think all week. “Basically the same as ours except better.” Meaning, the other person has no problems, no shortcomings, no struggle.
They’re Melissa without all of Melissa’s challenges. Except… of course… they’re not.
As Carolyn points out later in the column: “If you hadn’t met her to use for comparison, your eyes might well have rested on another life to covet, someone else to resent as a handy vessel for your general, harder-to-resolve anger at life.”
It’s such an interesting way of looking at jealousy, to know that if it wasn’t this person, it would be someone else. They are just the vessel, and like other inanimate vessels, we don’t really consider its back story beyond thinking about its usage. The other person is reduced to the situation or object you covet, their personal story stripped away until they are no different than the drinking glasses in a kitchen cabinet. Merely vessels to hold water… or our feelings.
It’s a baby-filled world, which is a good thing. The alternative is the destruction of the human race, so I’ll take my dose of infancy for the good of society as a whole. But sometimes I need to take that jealousy and pour it into looking at puppies on Petfinder. Whatever gets you through coveting what you see.
4 comments
Yes, this. I of course do this. And people do this towards me. I had a hugely uncomfortable relationship with a now-ex sister in law because she, as a full time working parent, assumed that my life as a stay at home parent was just like hers but without a pesky job.
And I’m guilty of this any time I see a pregnant woman or one with a baby. I’m so envious of how “easily” this came to them, even while knowing that statistically that’s likely not the case. And that people see me with my two children and assume the same… which is so far from true.
Excellent and timely post. Thanks for sharing.
I love that at its core, the Carolyn Hax advice was to be aware of what you’re feeling and how that emotion is about to manifest in your actions. Mindfulness would make human interactions so much easier, if we could all do it just 10% more. I KNOW this, yet I don’t always HEED this.
I am so guilty of this, the coveting. When it starts to get me down I try and stop myself and remember that my life isn’t so bad, and that I don’t know what kinds of traumas this person may have had that would have made their life hard or undesirable…that I only know the surface, and if I knew more I likely would no longer covet.
And your last paragraph…it’s so personal, and raw and truthful in a way that you’re writing sometimes masks, that makes us forget you are still hurting, too. So sending you a huge (((HUG)))
Oh, man. This. So, so much this. If I had to name one quality I dislike intensely about myself, it’s the tendency to covet and stew about things I see on social media. I have a small sign that says something to the effect of “May your life be as perfect as it looks on Facebook” to remind me about the distortion that often takes place.
Thanks for this post. It reminds me that this is a real thing, and it’s something I need to hear/remember.