Asking Questions
I recently read a piece on how we don’t ask enough questions.
Having the ability to ask a question appears to be a uniquely human trait, one that saves us time and energy as we gather resources and information. It also allows us to develop empathy for others and create bonds of trust, even among strangers. Indeed, people who ask more questions are seen as more likable.
It goes on to talk about the best way to ask questions and the best types of questions for various situations.
BUT…
All I could think about were posts I’ve read lately where the person was upset to be asked whether they have children. The question sucks, especially when you’ve been asked it a dozen times, but the alternative sort of sucks, too: people not being curious about other people.
Asking questions is one way to draw closer to a person. I just had a conversation with a person where I asked question after question after question… and the person asked zero questions back. I walked away knowing a great deal about what was happening in their world, and they walked away knowing nothing about what was going on in mine. A missed opportunity?
How can anyone know what sort of questions I want to answer until they start asking them?
I’ve realized that questions don’t bother me as much as statements. Questions, I figure, are conversation starters. They’re trying to find a way in, and I’m happy that they’re trying, so I’ll put up with the clumsy ones. But statements — telling me how I feel — those are the ones that get under my skin. “Twins,” someone remarked recently. “You must have felt so relieved to be done in one shot.”
“No,” I said back. “There was going to be a third, but we weren’t successful.”
A question leaves open possibilities. A statement feels like a closed door.
I don’t know. I’ve been thinking about this since reading the article about questions; about whether questions help more or hurt more. About whether we’d really be happy if we were never asked prying questions. If I inadvertently ask prying questions.
No good answers; just a lot of food for thought.
8 comments
Well, from the post-infertility older mom lens, some questions are just nosy and hurtful. I mean, unless there’s some medical emergency (I can’t think of one where it would matter, but anyway), a person really has no reason to know whether I’m my kids’ mom or grandma. People randomly ask that, ruining my week. Anyone with half a brain cell should realize that if the answer is mom, I will feel insulted. Yet they ask away, because their curiousity is more important than my feelings. And I’m in California in 2018. Really? People have never contemplated women having children in their 40s? (And I am not one of those brave people wearing their hair grey.) People must be like “hmmm. She looks too old to have those kids. I MUST know what’s going on here.” Yes, Whole Foods cashier, it is vitally important to your job to know the answer.
And my oldest is a mini-me and the youngest looks a lot like me too and people ask “are they yours?” Really assholes??!?!
I feel like it depends on the tone. After bringing home my second daughter (who we adopted from birth) I was asked “is she yours?” twice within days of each other. Once, it was with a sneer and a comment that I looked too thin to have had a baby – obviously a comment on the fact that I was too focused on losing weight post-birth. But the second was a younger woman who asked with wonder. After truthfully answering yes, she is mine, she said, “good for you! You look amazing and your kids are adorable. I hope I look as happy after I have kids.” So I took that as a compliment.
I like to ask questions and get to know people but I feel like there are levels of intrusiveness based on how well I know them. And I never, ever ask a childless person why they are childless. I’m open about our stories so I feel like people know I’ll get it if they want to share (if they have a story, too) and beyond that some things just aren’t my business.
Also – I love that you answered he rude twin statement with a blunt and honest response.
I have seen so many examples of animals asking questions, so I refute this idea that is a uniquely human trait. It shows the author is limited in what they consider communication. So, there’s that.
You’re getting at something I’ve been thinking about a lot with communication, which is most humans fail to read body language when interacting with others. Questions are definitely a way to probe when the party initiating the conversation is not as confident in the outlook, but I’ve seen people go in with questions when the receiver is sending clear signals they are not up for that type of probing.
That said, I agree with you about statements as the person making them is over confident in their mindset (usually without firm evidence to back any of it up). Statement-makers tend to become extremely defensive when confronted with evidence to the contrary.
I love how you responded to the twin statement-maker. Such assumptions made, and a dismissiveness to that, like “I know what you’re going to say, so I just want to move on from this and on to (probably) me, me, me.”
For me, I love questions, but there are times when it’s annoying that the default question is “Do you have kids?” I feel like whether you do or you don’t, is that really the most interesting thing about you? I’d rather want to know what you do for fun, where you like to go — if you have kids, that will become apparent, and if you don’t, it probably will, too. I agree with Cristy that body language is a lost art, because people could probably take a hint that a question isn’t going in a good direction and so many don’t.
I also think about my best friend, who is a stay at home mom of three, and for her, her children are such a huge part of her life — but she also does yoga, and volunteers at schools, and is a Girl Scout Leader, so she also has things she could talk about if people could get past the “do you have kids” line of questioning that in my mind reduces women to their reproductive lives and not their interests or work. While my friend’s kids are such a huge part of her life, she gets frustrated at times that she’s not valued for her own attributes in those conversations.
It’s funny, Bryce doesn’t get asked “do you have kids” half as much as I do when we’re on our own. Hmmm.
When I was childless up to age 40 — before and during infertility (I didn’t start TTC until I was 36) — I was often annoyed by the question “Do you have kids?” from people I had just met or was getting to know. However, now that I have children myself, I get it: people are looking for common ground and a positive topic, and most people over a certain age have children and enjoy talking about their children. Two adults might have little else in common apart from the fact that they are both parents. I could guess all day about someone’s interests or leisure activities and not hit upon something that we share.
Although the questions are sometimes imperfect, I think it would be worse for other people to show a complete lack of interest in getting to know you. Somewhat relatedly, I hate being asked by a new acquaintance what I do for a living. I feel like disclosing my profession to people who don’t (yet) know me reveals more (wrong) information about who I am than answering the question “Do you have kids?”
I think a lot about the intent behind questions as well. As a single mom by choice who is also gay, I can get some really personal questions. When it comes from a place of wanting to understand my experiences, I am usually okay answering, but when it comes from a place of shock value, pointing me out as some sort of circus freak, or wanting to have fodder for gossip, then it is invasive and I will not give them what they want.
Finally, I managed to get back to your post to respond, after reading it several days ago, because I knew I wanted to think about this.
I thought the article itself was quite odd, but the basic premise is of course that asking questions is important, and I agree wholeheartedly with that. Questions show that we’re not only focused on ourselves. and they’re how we got to know our significant others and our best friends, after all, isn’t it?
But the questions we ask tell a lot about ourselves. And we can ask questions sensitively, using an open, interested tone of voice and language. Ultimately, I think that how we respond to the answer to our questions is important too.
Now I’m off to write a much longer post about this! I’ll come back and link to it when it is published, as I have too much to say to fit it into eight sentences for Microblog Mondays!
For the record – my thoughts.
https://nokiddinginnz.blogspot.com/2018/08/those-questions-again.html