#Microblog Monday 223: Nice?
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I can’t find the blog post right now, but I once wrote that I wanted my eulogy to be, “she was nice.” I thought that if I could live a life where people walked away saying, “she was nice,” it would have been a life well-lived. I’m not aiming for brilliant or world-changing or important. Just nice.
Which is why I was taken aback by Psychology Today’s piece about the dangers of being nice. Dangers? How can there be dangers to niceness? There are dangers to being a pushover or a martyr. But niceness, in and of itself, doesn’t have dangers, or as Psychology Today puts it: “There are often psychological dangers lurking below that friendly surface, a downside that can take its toll.”
Gulp.
At the end of the long list of problems and advice, the writer asks: “So, are you ready to give up some of your niceness?” But the answer is no. I still strive to have people say, “she was nice.” We can use more nice in the world.
Do you aim to be nice?
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15 comments
What is the difference between niceness and kindness?
Yes. I’m not even going to read that article because I do aim to be nice every day. I think there’s a difference between kindness and niceness, but some days – and with some people – if nice is all I can muster, I’m ok with that. And I tell my daughters that every morning. Be nice. We need all the nice we can get.
That doesn’t mean let people treat you badly. I also remind them of that. Never put up with bullies or accept unkind treatment. Tell someone or walk away. But never sink to that level – we are nice.
I agree that I would be happy with “She was nice.” I would also like people to recognize that I raised kind and good daughters. That’s all I need.
I did read, and did pick up on this distinction: “You do it not because you “should” or because you will feel guilty otherwise, but because it’s your life blueprint. ”
I’ll go for a nice/kind blueprint for life. Not so that others will like me, but so I can like myself.
(And I will have a think about the difference between nice and kind. Maybe nice is more fun, and kind is more considerate)
Elizabeth, I think niceness can simply be politeness, smiling at people, not snapping at people, things like that. Kindness is deeper and more thoughtful. That’s my distinction. I think it’s easier to be nice because it’s surface. Not easy always, just easier than kindness and giving people grace. That’s harder for me, anyway. Not downplaying niceness, just distinguishing for me personally.
Interesting that you bring this up, as I just finished Louise Penny’s latest (and wrote about it for my post) since I’ve read a couple things describing her as nice (https://quillandquire.com/authors/louise-penny-s-second-chance/ , older link, but sums it up).
I think one of the differences between Penny’s “nice” and the more problematic “nice” described in the article you linked is that Penny’s is coming from a place of peace. She knows her demons, isn’t afraid to face them, and what people see as nice comes from that ability to be generous and kind while also being realistic about herself. That’s definitely a quality I aspire to have. That being said, I also could relate to the article, since, unfortunately, that’s often where I’ve had my “nice” behavior come out of – denial, perfectionism, and it sort of leads to resentment and frustration.
So…I guess it depends on the kind of “nice”.
I always aim to be compassionate and kind, but nice is irrelevant to me. I deal with situations where I know the other party isn’t going to perceive me as nice (e.g., negative performance feedback, telling people “no.” ). I think there’s an expectation that nice people don’t do those things to others. I see the need and engage in the behavior, but I deeply hope the other party can see compassion and kindness behind it. For example, I’m not giving negative feedback to someone to be cruel, but because I want them to succeed and their own behavior is getting in the way. Nice? Not really. Kind? Hopefully!
“Nice” is pretty vague….does it mean being kind? Smoothing things over? Always paying attention to others feelings?
There are times when those things are appropriate but also times when they are not.
There’s also the concept of knowing your own shadow. What is the opposite of nice? Say a bully? So you get to know and confront who you are as a bully. Then you choose NOT to be a bully. Conscious deliberate choice. This is completely different from assuming you are or always will be nice. Because you’re not.
I do. Sometimes I think I’m too nice for my own good, though. 🙁
I don’t see that you have any of the secondary risks of being “nice.” I think “nice” is sometimes construed as meaning nonconfrontational or without healthy boundaries, and I see you as not those things at all.
I agree with others that maybe “kind” is a more precise word. To me it means caring for others as though you are connected (because we all are!). And to live as if we are all connected is, I think, a noble endeavor.
Oh, I definitely suffer some of the after effects of being nice. In fact, the only one listed that I don’t indulge in was Periodic Acting Out.
I was brought up to be “a nice girl” and that effectively meant putting EVERYONE else ahead of me. I’m much better at not doing that these days, and consequently I am not subject to the “dangers of being nice” as often. But it’s a lifetime struggle. So when I hear parents telling their daughters to be nice, I do cringe a little.
It’s all in the interpretation of the word “nice,” I guess. Because I still want to be thought of as “nice.” And I am pleased that trying to be “nice” taught me diplomacy and consideration of others, and I like those aspects of myself.
I’m all for kind. I feel like you can be kind without getting railroaded, that kind is a deeper, more complex form of nice. I think that’s what you’re describing, but I have such an aversion to the word “nice,” it seems oddly passive to me. The world needs more of nice, or kind, or compassionate… I think it’s a great legacy to leave in an obituary.
I think “nice” is too general… and subjective for me. I have memories of saying to people who have a very angry or rude side to them: “Be nice” and they’ll always come back with: “I’m always nice.” I always want to try to understand what others are going through. Empathetic, compassionate, generous with love and kindness. If I say I always want to be “nice”, it makes me feel like I’m putting all of the emphasis on what other people think of me instead of what I’m actively trying to be.
I’m pro-niceness too. The part of the article you quoted sounds like it’s referring to people who are *superficially* nice to cover up their real thoughts/feelings. If you’re genuinely nice, I don’t think there’s anything to worry about.
And I think you’re super nice. 🙂
I aim to be nice, but I frequently miss, because I am too blunt.