Category — Book Club

There are a lot of children in the blogosphere that I’ve known pre-conception.  I knew their parent(s) wanted to have them, and I read their parent(s) thoughts and feelings during the endless cycles or their adoption plan.  And then their mother was pregnant or she got the call that she had been matched.  Fast forward again and now a child is here, and that child grows up, and that is part of the legacy of being in the ALI blogosphere: we know about children when they are only wishes in someone’s heart, long before they’re here.

This book, Lori Holden’s The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption, is like that.

I’ve known for years that Lori wanted to write a book, a how-to manual that would make open adoption easier for everyone in the triad.  Open adoption is something a lot of adoptive parents and birthparents want to do, but there are few books out there to serve as a guide to the experience.  How do you navigate the relationship in a way that places the child — the only one who doesn’t get a say in the arrangement — at the center?

And then one day she started writing this book, and then she queried agents, and then she got an agent with her book proposal.  Her agent sold the book and she started to write the manuscript.  And now, many years down the road from that first spark of an idea, that book has been born and is in people’s hands.  Isn’t that crazy?  To know about a book when it was only a wish and then to get to hold it.

It’s an important book.  It provides a much-needed panoramic look at open adoption, taking the concept of openness and making it a mindset more than a set of requirements.  And because it’s a mindset, it becomes a way of thinking that provides you with the answer to any unique situation that develops down the road.  I would argue that the ideas in the book are applicable to all parents; not just adoptive parents or birthparents.  But, of course, adoption is the focus of this book.  From choosing an agency that is going to set you on the right course to even building openness in adoption or donor gamete situations where the birthparents may not be known or accessible.

Which is a long way to say that I’m ecstatic it’s here, and I can’t wait to watch it grow up, changing the face of open adoption one family at a time.

Congratulations, Lori, on a job very well done.

Please return to the main post to read more opinions on Lori Holden’s The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption.

Here’s the problem with book clubs.  You join one, and it seems like it’s going to be great.  And maybe the first book discussion or two is great.  But then you always end up reading something that you grumble through, that you would have never read otherwise and there’s a reason for that — it’s not your type of book.  Sometimes you read this book and no one else bothers to except the one quiet person in the group, so now you’ve read a book you didn’t want to read AND you don’t even really get to discuss it.  This is why I continuously drop out of face-to-face book clubs.

For a long time, I ran Barren Bitches, but I wanted to resurrect an online book club using an even easier format with an even more straightforward read-it-or-don’t-read-it method in order to come together to discuss general fiction and non-fiction.  It’s open to anyone and everyone.

So I present to you, GRAB(ook) Club.  GRAB stands for
Gonna Read Anyway Books.

Meaning, these are the books you were going to read anyway, so you might as well grab it (get it?) and read it now so you can discuss it with others.  Or, if you never had any intention of reading the book choice or you’re too busy to participate in the moment, forget it and wait for the next book because there will always be enough people participating to get a discussion going.  Drop in or drop out depending on your needs/desires so you always have good feelings towards your book club.  It’s a fun space; not a chore.

Participating is simple.

• Look at the book choice each month as it’s posted. (This post serves as the sign-up post for the first book.)

• If you want to read it, leave a comment stating that you’re in.

• On a mid-month Thursday (you can see the dates next to the book list below), post a single question on your blog, no longer than one paragraph.  If you don’t have a blog, no problem.  Post your question to the GRAB(ook) Club Facebook Group or the GRAB(ook) Club GoodReads Group.  Include a link to the book so people who are hearing about the book for the first time can read more and quickly join in the conversation after they read the book.  Of course, those who are participating in the club will be able to comment immediately.  Do not write a long post about the book; it’s just a single question and a link to the book.  That’s it.

• Come back to the main post on this blog that will serve as the virtual living room for our discussion and use the linky tool to add a link to your blog post.  There will be a general link to the Facebook Group and GoodReads Group each time too.

• And then jump from link to link, reading the question and leaving your thoughts in the comment section.  See, the discussion takes place in the comment section vs. needing to prepare a long post.

That’s it.  So no long post to write beforehand, no long post to read the day-of, and the discussion can unfold over many days inside your comment section.

I’ve chosen my book, Measure of Love, to be the inaugural book.  I know this is all sorts of hubris, but so many people have said they’re reading it that I thought this would be an easy way for me to jump into the discussion too.  So no apologies — I’ve picked my own book as the first book.  If you’re reading it anyway, go read it and discuss with us.  Participation in this book club selection counts as two entries in the contest where you will get a character in Apart at the Seams named after you.  If you sign up today to participate in reading/discussing Measure of Love, make sure you go to that contest post and leave a comment there too since every comment counts as one contest entry.  Got it?  Leave two comments if you’re joining: one here (so we know how many are in the group) and one there (so it serves as a contest entry).

If you’re not into reading the first book, no hard feelings, though I hope you’ll join along for a future book.  Here are the upcoming summer books:

• June’s Book: Measure of Love by Melissa Ford (discuss on June 13)
• July’s Book: The Fault in Our Stars by John Green (discuss July 18)
• August’s Book: To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee (discuss August 15)
• September’s Book: The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins (discuss September 12)

So, consider this the sign up for the first book. Who is in for the June book, Measure of Love by Melissa Ford (remember, joining along counts as two entries into the contest to have a character named after you)? Leave a comment below letting me know your intent, and we’ll come back to read each other’s questions (and leave a lot of comments) on June 13th.

Even if you don’t plan to read the first book, please join the Facebook Group or the GoodReads Group or sign up for the email list below so you can be sent reminders twice a month. Or hey, sign up for all three.

Participants in Measure of Love (for June 13th)

• Bereaved and Blessed
• Sticky Feet
• Me Plus One
• Are You Kidding Me?
• The Road Less Travelled
• Biogirl
• Two Adults, One Child
• Lavender Luz
• Better Full Than Empty
• Bionic Mamas
• Two Bees in Love
• CD1 Again
• Queen of the Slipstream
• Slaying, Blogging, Whatever
• Adventures in Writing, Reading & Bookcrossing
• River Run Dry
• The Book Diva’s Reads
• Inconceivable!
• Pepper (on GoodReads/Facebook)
• Linda (on GoodReads/Facebook)
• Anne (on GoodReads/Facebook)
• Amy (on GoodReads/Facebook)
• Jacqueline (on GoodReads/Facebook)

Whoa.

It’s been a long time since we’ve had a book club meeting.

There hasn’t been one since 2009, but I decided to resurrect the club for Lori’s book, The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption.  So to everyone who has participated in one of these in the past, welcome back.  And to everyone who is seeing this for the first time, read on.

This post serves as the master list for the 23rd tour of the Barren Bitches Book Brigade. What is the Barren Bitches Book Brigade? It’s a book club from the comfort of your own living room. The book club is conducted entirely online and open to anyone (male or female) in the infertility/pregnancy loss/assisted conception/adoption/parenting-after-infertility world (as well as any other related category I inadvertently left off the list). It is called a book tour because everyone reads the same book and then poses a question to the group. Participants choose a few questions to answer and then post their response on their blog. Readers can jump from blog to blog, commenting along the way. We read both fiction and non-fiction.

Anyone can jump aboard — it’s a book club where you can drop in and out as you wish and all in the community are welcome.

Book: The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption
Author: Lori Holden
Start Date: April 6
Question Due: May 5
Question List Sent Out: May 6
Post Date: May 9

(need an explanation of how a book tour works? Click here to go to a list of posts on the past book tours as well as information about future tours.)

About The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption: While this book will appeal the most to those either in the adoption process, parenting after adoption, or birth parents, there is actually some pretty solid parenting advice for anyone who is parenting or waiting to parent.  As it states on Amazon, “Prior to 1990, fewer than 5% of domestic infant adoptions were open. In 2012, 90% or more of adoption agencies are recommending open adoption. Yet these agencies do not often or adequately prepare either adopting parents or birth parents for the road ahead of them! The adult parties in open adoptions are left floundering.”  This book is a guide to navigating open adoption.

Barren Bitches Book Brigade

(The blogs below are participating on this current book tour. On May 9th, you’ll be able to jump from post to post to read a plethora of opinions and thoughts on The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption. I will keep adding to this list until 11 p.m. on May 5th. The list is currently open)

• Stirrup Queens
• Bereaved and Blessed
• CD1
• Life from Here
• Queen of the Slipstream
• Too Many Fish to Fry
• An Engineer Becomes a Mom
• Baby Smiling in Back Seat
• The Maybe Baby
• Stumbling Gracefully
• The Years Are Getting Shorter
• Birds and the Beas
• The Sound of Hope
• Today is the Day They Give Babies Away
• PoemFish
• Production, Not Reproduction
• Not on the list and want to join? Drop me an email at thetowncriers@gmail.com. You can add yourself up until 11 p.m. EST on May 5th.

How the book tour works:

(1) leave a comment or send me an email (thetowncriers@gmail.com) saying that you’re interested in participating. I need your blog name, blog url, and email address.

(2) read The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption by May 5th (or at least enough of it in order to ask a question to the group).

(3) create a single question that would kick off a discussion (in other words, any question that leads to more than a “yes” or “no” answer where someone can express their opinion) and mail it to me on May 5th (or any time beforehand). I will send you a reminder email close to the date. Click here to see sample questions from tour #4.

(4) on May 6th, I will send you a list of possible questions. Everyone will choose 3 questions off the list and answer them in a blog entry.

(5) on May 9th, people will begin to post their entry. I will post a linked list of all the people putting up their entry that day so people can go around and read the entries and comment (start a discussion back and forth in the comments section). Reading the entries and commenting on the posts is the best part of the tour–by the end of the week, you should have a comment from every participant (and maybe even a few new permanent blog readers).

Welcome to the 21st tour of the Barren Bitches Book Brigade–a book club from the comfort of your own living room. Grab a cup of coffee and start clicking away at the links below.

Just to explain, this book club is entirely online and open to anyone (male or female) in the infertility/pregnancy loss/assisted conception/adoption/parenting-after-infertility world (as well as any other related category I inadvertently left off the list). It is called a book tour because everyone reads the same book and then poses a question to the group. Participants choose a few questions to answer and then post their response on their blog. Readers can jump from blog to blog, commenting along the way.

Anyone can jump aboard–it’s a book club where you can drop in and out as you wish and all in the community are welcome.

Book: It Sucked, and Then I Cried
Author: Heather Armstrong (a.k.a. Dooce)
Start Date: August 18
Post Dates: October 12
(need an explanation of how a book tour works? Click here to go to a list of posts on the past book tours as well as information about future tours.)

About It Sucked, and Then I Cried…: Obviously not an IF book, but relates to blogging. I’ve seen so many people say they’re reading it that it made sense to read it together. If not sure if her m/c is mentioned in the book, but it is an interesting story AND postpartum depression affects IF women 4 times more than the general population. So an important topic too as it relates to PPD and post-adoption depression.

Barren Bitches Book Brigade List (The blogs below are participating on this current book tour. You’ll be able to jump from post to post to read a plethora of opinions and thoughts on It Sucked, and Then I Cried)

Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters (below this post)
The Road Less Travelled
Wild Women of the Universe
Slaying, Blogging, Whatever…
Baby Smiling in Back Seat
Sticky Feet
PCOS Blogger
Desperately Seeking Baby

Even if haven’t read It Sucked, and Then I Cried, you can still add your own thoughts on the blog tour or react to someone else’s critique.

Like the idea of being in a book club without leaving your living room? The current group chooses the next book. The 22nd tour will kick it old school with Norton Juster’s classic, The Phantom Tollbooth.  As we did for Harriet the Spy, we’ll be reading this middle grade fiction book through the eyes of an adult and applying Milo’s journey to our own lives.

The Details: Tour #22 will start October 12. Participants will read The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster. On or before December 2nd, everyone will send one question based on the book (to get a sense of questions, click here to see the questions sent for book tour #2) to me. I will compile the questions into lists that will be emailed out to you by December 4th. Everyone will choose 3 questions from the list and answer them on their own blog on December 7th. I’ll also post a master list and people can jump from blog to blog, reading and commenting on the book tour.

If you would like to sign up to participate in book tour #22, leave a comment below or send me an email. I need the title and a link to your blog as well as an email address where you’d like the two or three book club emails sent. If a spouse wants to participate too and he/she doesn’t have their own blog, have them set up a blog solely for book tours (as we did with the Annex) and send me a link to that blog. And if you’re a reader without a blog, now is a great time to set up a space for yourself on Blogger. People will be able to find brand-spanking-new blogs because they will be on the book tour’s participant list. The participants on the The Phantom Tollbooth book tour will choose the book for tour #23.

Happy reading.

Postpartum depression is as much a taboo topic amongst women as infertility or loss.  But if you’re brave enough to admit it, others usually crawl out of the woodwork with a me-too.  And it’s strange that we make someone step forward first in all three cases before opening up with our own story.

Because wouldn’t it be better to educate each other on postpartum or post-adoption depression than force some people to feel their way through it alone?  We aren’t shy about trading tips about the best diapers, ways to potty train, or how to breastfeed.  But turn it towards the darker topics–the ones we hope never happen to us, in other words–and everyone goes quiet, even though they wish others would speak up about it too.

By which I mean we’re all guilty.

Heather Armstrong was brave enough to come forward on her blog, Dooce, as well as her book, It Sucked, and Then I Cried, and write about postpartum depression.  And while I would have loved to hear more of the lead-up and minutiae, I think the end result is that this book could serve as a great spring board for others stepping forward, telling their stories, and forming community.

Heather obviously has a very distinctive writing style that comes across in both her blog and her book. What do you think has made Heather such a famous blogger? Her writing style, honesty, or something else? Do you write with the same passion and honesty that Heather does?

Heather spoke at BlogHer 1 1/2 years ago and while I forget the percentage, she admitted that readers are getting a very small view of her life.  And while this is true of all blogs (we usually boil it down to the most noteworthy moments in a day), I think some people have more of a wall than others when it comes to relaying their thoughts.  I think I am fairly honest and open, but my story ends where anyone else’s begins unless I’ve gotten their permission to tell the story.  There are times when I change details in the story to disguise the situation and write about it–set a conversation at a dinner party rather than over the phone–but for the most part, I draw my line pretty firmly around where my arm-span ends.  And that means that I can’t be entirely open.  There have been times when I have wanted to write something because I need the support, but in the end, it is someone else’s story to tell and not my own.  This is especially true with the twins.  I’ll only write things about them that will not be potentially upsetting or humiliating later on (save for the pantyliner commentary), which means that I’ve had to hold my tongue during times when there has been so much to say.

I think Heather’s success is a combination of openness, talent, and timing.

The author talks about how she imagined her future children before becoming pregnant:

When you’re childless and young and hopeful, you have this idea of what your children are going to be like, and you make mental notes when you see other kids in public. You say to yourself, “My kid will be cute like that,” or “My kid won’t ever throw a tantrum in public like that little demon.” I had always envisioned a sweet little princess who looked just like me sitting quietly in a high chair, her pressed velvet petticoat creased perfectly as she sat and waited to be handed things in a timely manner. And then you grow up and have kids and realize that YOU HAVE NO SAY…

Before starting to try to conceive, how did you imagine your future children? If you now have children, how did your expectations fit reality?

It’s funny, but before we had kids, I imagined more what I’d be like as a mother than what they’d be like as kids (is this a sign that I am incredibly narcissistic or self-actualized?).  I don’t think I truly had a clue how parenting would actually be and I still don’t think I understand anything beyond parenting these kids and up until the age of five.  I have no clue how life will go at 8 or 12 or 18.  Or what parenting would be like with other children.

But all in all, I find temporary states such as tantrums less telling of parenting, but I love examining how the parents and children interact.

If you had postpartum depression to the degree Heather describes, would you have the courage to check yourself into a psychiatric ward? (It’s hard to say when it’s not actually happening in your own life, but I’d be curious to know if there are some people who are completely against it, some who would do it if they felt there was no other way, etc.)

I hope I would do whatever I needed to do to be healthy.  I think too many times, we’re comfortable with treating the body, but we stop short at treating the mind.  I would treat the mind if it needed to be treated.

Interested in the idea of an online book club?  Join along for the next selection by clicking here and spend more time reading other thoughts on Heather Armstrong’s book by clicking here.