Category — Creme de la Creme

Creme de la Creme of 2010

by Mel

For the fifth year running, the ALI community kicks off the new year by celebrating our best posts of the last year.

So what is the Creme de la Creme list if this is your first time here? It was started as a response to the many blogging awards that are given out each winter. I expanded the idea of presenting “the best” to include a post from every blog in the ALI (adoption/loss/infertility) world*. Every blogger has a personal best that deserves recognition. As editor of the list, I create the small blurbs after the title which serve as a doorway to the post. I hope they will help you find what you are seeking to read as well as show definitively the diversity of experience and emotion within the ALI community.

Listed below are the best posts of 2010. If you have a blog that chronicles your family building experience with infertility* and you’re not on this list, please read this post and follow the instructions to send in your submission. This post is open until January 31, 2011.

In the meantime, happy reading! And leaving a comment on these older posts is not a “may I?” but a “please do.” Comments are how an author knows their words are appreciated. Comments about the Creme de la Creme in general can be left on this post.

The Creme de la Creme of 2010

Endings and Beginnings (from Stirrup Queens): Endings and beginnings defined the author’s year, including the sale of her childhood home where she once told her parents of her pregnancy and a new book. And tucked inside all of those experiences is the letting go of baby items that may never be used again.
Tending To Our Wounds (from Once A Mother): The author writes, “Some think that grieving openly is unhealthy but I beg to differ.” And after reading this moving post about the way people grieve, you will agree too.
Urban Legend (from Managing the Sweetness Within): After IVF not working, the author is shocked to find herself the stuff of urban legends — pregnant after a routine clomid challenge test at 40.
On DNA (from Write Mind Open Heart (formerly Weebles Wobblog)): The author questions, “Why can’t we simply acknowledge that both biology and biography are important?” in a poignant post that asks the reader to not rank nature and nurture when it comes to adoption.
I am the Anti-Help (from Drama 2B Mama): The author recognizes the pain of her child’s birthmother while also acknowledging her own joy and juxtaposes these two emotions.
Flashing Between Two Worlds (from Musings of a Hormonal Egg Basket): Finally pregnant, the author muses about the differences between the quiet of her RE’s office and the warmth of her OB’s office, and how she feels out-of-sorts on her first pregnancy-after-infertility visit. But the post is also about where she belongs.
All You Need Is… (from Bee In The Bonnet): An effusive post about how now that the author is a parent, she would like to go back in time and let herself know that everything will be worth it.
The Giving Tree (from Swimming In Circles): A beautiful post about replacing his longing glances at the playground he passes several times daily with a tree that is around the same age as his child, and how it serves as a marker for how far he has come.
Solitary (from BagMomma): A dream dislodges a thought that has always been in her mind — that her chief motivator for plugging away at infertility is this fear of being alone or leaving her child without a sibling. It is also about finding new routes out of an old problem.
Restless (from Bio Girl): I absolutely loved this line because it’s the sort of thought that sticks with you forever: “My heart on my heart.” A post about a restless night with her son, both mostly loving the time awake.
Looking In (from Funny Little Pollywogs): Using the analogy of trying to get into a beautiful chateau, the author explains how infertility makes her feel like she’s on the outside, looking in.
The Mothers Day Balloon (from No, I’m Not Pregnant, Just Fat): Pretty much one of the coolest stories I’ve read in a while, an encounter with a random, mylar balloon feels like a message from the future.
Love and Adoption (from Our Little Tongginator): An amazing piece of advice counseling that the reason to adopt should be to love another person. And she then goes on to explain that love in no uncertain terms.
Cry Baby Cry Baby (from Relaxing Doesn’t Get You Pregnant): Giving herself permission to cry, a mother mourns her child’s last day of kindergarten and what it means in light of her journey to provide him with a sibling.
Universal Role (from Life From Here: Musings from the Edge): Unpacking the idea of G-d or the universe’s role in bringing together adoptive families (any predestined plan), the author explores her own belief which includes free will and includes this brilliant point: “It was only ‘meant’ to be because it happened.”
Patience Is A Dirty Word? (from Call Me Kristin): A very cool speech makes the author reexamine how she looks at time, and sees the waiting inherent in infertility in a new light.
Amazing Things Will Happen! (from Four of a Kind): Jumping off of the words of Conan O’Brien, the author agrees that sometimes amazing things can happen, including her daughter who came after the family swam through a sea of loss.
At Last We Meet, Well, Sort Of (from Dear Rowan): A mother dreams about the child she hopes to have. In the dream, the child’s name is Rowan, and this detail becomes a message of hope for the future.
My Grandmother’s Story (from Adventures in Infertility-Land): You will bawl reading this post about a grandmother sharing the story of her own miscarriage with her granddaughter and the feelings her granddaughter has knowing that she will always carry her own loss in her heart.
Ordinary Times (from I Spy A Family): The author doesn’t think that infertility made her a better parent, but she does state wonderfully, “What I do think is that I recognize how extraordinary it is to just be an ordinary family.”
I Got Nuthin’ (from Musings of a Wannabe Mommy): Performing a science experiment on her body, the author wonders if there is any truth in the idea that if she could get her body’s acidity in balance that her body would shift towards fertility.
Were They Asleep In Stockholm? (from Riding the IVF Roller Coaster): An incredibly powerful post about a childless couple that they socialized with growing up, which becomes a juxtaposition between the hope inherent in IVF today vs. the lack of choices before this invention.
To Every Thing There is a Season (from SassyMama): Needing to renew her passport, the author looks back on all the stamps, remembering infertility via her travels, as well as looking forward to how her next passport will not look the same way due to her triplets … and being thankful for that.
25 Years: Our Silver Lining (from The Road Less Travelled): On her 25th anniversary, the author reflects on how little she understood the idea of “for better or worse” when she got married, and how after surviving the loss of their daughter, Katie, together, the caption on their Pooh ornament stands as a testament to her marriage as much as it stands as a statement about their love for their daughter.
Two Kinds of Protocols (from Late for a Very Important Pregnancy): As much as we may believe we know about another person’s cycle or diagnosis, the author cautions that we need to be careful when we deliver advice, especially because the words have the potential to put seeds of doubt in the receiver’s mind.
Thirteen Ways of Looking at ‘Our Birthmother’ (from Production, Not Reproduction): An explanation for why the author objects to the possessive pronoun “our” when used in conjunction with the term “birth parent” which provides food for thought.
Epic Grandma Fail (from Manapan’s Space): An incredibly powerful post responding to a popular email forward about being a mother, changing the language to reflect multiple miscarriages.
Odd Man Out (from Single Infertile Female): Absolutely happy for the two women who were going through IVF with her, the author also explores the sting in being the “odd man out” as well as how it feels to have an IVF cycle fail.
Lost in Shadows (from CD1 Again): A brief, but beautiful post about what it is like to be an infertile woman.
Seven (from Ginger and Lime): An explanation for why she isn’t dividing up her blogroll into pregnant/parenting vs. not-yet parenting, and how we can still gather comfort from one another even after one of us has moved to the other side of the chasm.
Pretty in Pink (from Half a Dozen of the Other): A fantastic post about giving her son what he requested when he asked for a pink shirt, and how our preconceived notions sometimes need to be thrown out the window.
This Year Is Different (from Plan B(aby)): Describing the three years after she lost her daughter, the author writes, “I feel like I kept on living. I mean, what was the alternative?” Except that while she was breathing, she wasn’t feeling. There was a profound sadness that made the world flat. And the birth of her son changed that and brought her back to the world of emotions, releasing that sadness to make room for other emotions in addition to mourning that loss.
PILAM 2010: Why I Write About Miscarriage (from Tales of Minor Interest): Even though the author has support for her losses in her day to day world, she still writes about pregnancy loss for all of the people who don’t. So we can talk about something that affects so many of us out there instead of remaining silent about it.
On Guilt (from My Preconceived Notion): The author explains that she parents without guilt — that all the stumbling blocks that could trip her, she steps over with aplomb. And explains how this twist in looking at the world works well for them.
If I Were Queen of the Universe (from Delinquent Eggs): The author outlines how she would run the fertility clinic and the ob/gyn’s office if she made the rules. And damn, you’ll want to put her in charge.
Little Stars (from Where Love and Chaos Reign): I cried reading this post because there is so much anguish in seeing the results of a set of embryos that grew into her four-year-old twins vs. the embryos from the same cycle that she miscarried. And the image of the stars is so lovely that you may not ever look at the sky in the same way again.
When the World Says Give Up, Hope Whispers “Try one more Time” (from Kir’s Corner): Hope becomes the fuel that gives you the energy to try one more time, and this post is there to provide hope on the darkest days.
Too Much Information (from Getting There): When a newscaster states that a government official speaking of their multiple miscarriages as too much information, the author counters that we need to speak about infertility and loss more — that it’s the only way to let people know that they’re not alone.
Who Am I? (from Seriously?!): A narrow definition of “mother” means that a lot of people fall outside the terms. But the author — absolutely a mother — needs her losses recognized, and how long she has lived her life around her children — those who are not-yet here and those who have died. Even if the world doesn’t recognize it, there are people that she mothers every day.
At Least (from Here We Go Again): The author explains how much attention she pays to the comments she writes, making sure to never include the words “at least.” And in reading her words, you too will learn how to be a better commenter.
More to Say… (from You Don’t Know Me … Let’s Pretend Like You Do): A frank, brutally-honest account of her miscarriage — the emotional and the physical.
How To Teach A Pee Stick A Lesson! (from Curse of the Chewed Buddha): A funny post about how to take apart a pee stick when it doesn’t give you the answer you want (breaking things can provide a satisfying emotional release) as well as how to use a Sharpie to create the second line.
My Life as Story (from Half as Many Chances): A thought-provoking post about looking at your life as a story, and how we write (and edit) our personal story.
Below the Streets of NYC (from Reproductive Jeans): A gorgeous post capturing the moment that they knew that they’d be turning to adoption to complete their family and give their son a sibling, complete with the picture that sparked the moment.
Bitterness (from If Life Weren’t so IFfy): In the darkness of night, the author allows herself a moment of bitterness. She eloquently writes, “I think an occasional night of bitterness is good for me. It makes me realize how BAD I want to be a good, loving and patient mom.”
When Life Gets Too Hard to Stand, Kneel. (from Savor the Moment): The author changes her prayers towards G-d and instead asks for hope. And she finds that peace through her religion.
A Confession (from Woman Anyone?): The author bought three crows to mark the three embryos that didn’t take, but she uses this post to contemplate the six embryos that never made it to transfer, and how the memory of those embryos shouldn’t be dismissed or lost.
If (from Womb For Improvement): A good good good infertility poem … with a twist at the end.
in-ˈfər-təl (from The Elusive Embryo): Refusing to accept the label “infertile,” the author explains her love of a challenge, though she grudgingly admits that she does need help and will therefore accept the label “semi-fertile.”
I Want That (from Baby Dreams): A post about the “I Want That”s of life — from the small (a husband who keeps the same daytime hours as her) to the larger (the ability to conceive without assistance).
On Wanting (from Dreaming of Quiet Places): After internalizing a childhood lesson of not wanting things, the author confides that she is terrified of the wanting that consumes her — for a partner and a child.
Next Steps (from Baby-Wanted-Apply-Within): Even though she told her mother that using donor eggs wasn’t a guarantee, the author cannot believe that the worst came true and she provides a long list of the dreams unrealized after a canceled cycle.
A Few Steps Down The Path (from A Long And Winding Road): The author speaks about leaving her will and her path to follow G-d’s will and G-d’s path — not because she is forced but because she has come to understand that infertility is not a punishment. It is simply a different way to parenthood.
A Tough Day (from EGGtraordinary: Our Journey to Egg Donation): A very hard post to read because it is the emotional end to a donor egg cycle. The post focuses on what her daughter has lost — that sibling relationship that the author wants to provide.
Thoughts From a Stall (from Tragic Optimist): In the time it takes to pee on the stick and wait for the answer, all the thoughts the author is able to hold at bay during the day come seeping back in. Hence why she avoids peeing on sticks at all costs.
In Which I Become An Apologist for Supplementation (from Project Kjetil): A beautiful post about being a both-feeder — a breastfeeder and formula feeder — and how while it’s not the path she might have chosen if not forced onto it by life, it is the path that has given her the best life.
How Infertility has Hurt my Husband (from Waiting For a Baby Bump): Her husband has been her rock through infertility, but even he hits his limit when his friend failed to tell them about their pregnancy until the child arrives. The husband finds his release as well as the spark for the path forward.
I Will Be OK (from The Fertility-Challenged Black Sheep): A beautiful post about being okay when her sister-in-law tells her that she’s pregnant, but also thinking through the ways that infertility is going to create a unique child, marked with their “resilience, determination, hope, and prayer.”
I AM Grateful (from Once an Infertile): The author explains how secondary infertility feels, especially as it relates to her daughter and providing her with a sibling. There is no “at least” with secondary infertility.
Inconceivable? (from Being Joyful Always): I bawled reading this, and you probably won’t understand why until you get to the end. But believe me, it’s worth it because it’s a great story of kismet.
Little IVF Earthquakes (from Lifeslurper): The joy she should have felt during the days she was pregnant were ruined by the ire of another person as well as a huge mistake at the clinic, making the subsequent loss even more heartbreaking.
A Story About Turning 30 (from Project Baby): Her husband’s old class project from childhood stating what he wanted to accomplish by age 30 becomes the focus of this author’s post about the difficulty of dreams deferred.
Empty (from Dear Stevie): In a letter to the child she lost, the author explains how the house feels empty even though there were only two occupants before and after the loss. The emptiness comes from all of the dreams and future memories that had been tucked inside the nooks of the house.
Relationship Issues With Your Reproductive Endocrinologist: The Other Kind of “Transfer” (from The Infertility Therapist): A helpful post by a therapist about navigating the patient/doctor relationship within the fertility clinic.
Thoughts on God (from A For Adventure): The author’s head and heart don’t match up in what she thinks about G-d, especially after the loss of her son.
Pregancy After Miscarriage (from Lawyer Mama): The moment she suspected that she was miscarrying is immortalized within this post exploring the hopes and fears of early pregnancy.
Eggsploitation: So Very Far From The Truth (from The Fertility Daily): A lawyer counterbalances the information on egg donation presented in a documentary film, especially as it comes with an agenda from the filmmaker stating that “it is time for Christians to be consistent about their moral objections and unite against IVF”
After Infertility (from Thalia’s Fertility Journey): The author admits that while she remembers infertility, she can’t connect with the anger and sadness she felt during it. And in forgetting how infertility felt, asks why that happens for some people and not for others.
Perseverance (from The Hopeful Elephant): A gorgeous post about parenting a special needs child and ensuring that the waters of life rub his rocks smooth rather than jagged.
Letter To Myself (from Spermination Station): On her 33rd birthday, the author writes a note to her future, 34-year-old self, wondering not only on the outcome of her current cycle, but if she has found the happiness and peace-of-heart she craves.
A New Hello (from Someday): A brief but lovely post saying goodbye to how she thought she would build her family and issuing a new hello.
Limbo (from A Little Blog About the Big Infertility): For 4 years and 5 months, the author has been waiting, and in describing that waiting, she brings you into the stillness of expectation within the future. You will never feel a breeze the same way again.
Stripping Away The Disguise (from Dragondreamer’s Lair): The outside woman doesn’t reflect the inside journey. A very powerful post about the things we don’t see.
Strong Enough (from Banking On It): While her blog has brought her fantastic friendships and support, her second blogoversary is also a time to reflect on how much time has passed, how the Sharks onesies that she bought are destined for a friend’s child instead of her own.
What I Wish I’d Known About Breastfeeding, Part 1 (from Baby Smiling In Back Seat): After a frustrating and difficult time trying to breastfeed her twins, the author outlines what she learned from the experience and what she wished she had known going in. She passes this information along to save someone else from similar heartache.
Inception (from Survive and Thrive): Jumping off the plotline of the film Inception, the author asks whether the daydreams we have are positive imaging of the goal, or a visual that is keeping us from healing.
To: Infertility – Love: Mrs. D (from The Journey to a Little One to Call Our Own): The letter to infertility everyone should write with the best opening line: “Hey, infertility: YOU SUCK.” Tearing infertility a new asshole as well as thanking the disease for opening her eyes to what was in front of her all along.
Life After IF (from My Lazy Ovaries): As she feels time slipping away, the author considers what she will do in the future. While she will consider IVF, her next plan after that would be to live child-free, and this post is about coming to peace with that idea.
Future Imperfect (from Burble): After doing the walk of loss two times (those first steps after you learn of the death while you are still in the doctor’s office), the author at first thinks that she can’t try again. But she comes to an emotional space where the thought of stopping hurts more than the thought of trying. So she returns.
Working Through the Stages (from The Road Less Traveled): A need to feel the anger so she can let go of it, the author mourns her daughter as well as talks about infertility coupled with loss.
Surviving Passover: Thoughts on Being Jewish and Infertile (from Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed): A beautiful discourse on infertility in regards to the Pesach seder, with each item on the seder plate discussed and advice given on taking the holiday and using it in the healing process.
Insight Into A Couple Facing IVF (from I Can’t Control Everything): With a burning need to discuss every aspect of her upcoming IVF cycle, a wife runs into a communication snafu with her husband who needs to put it out of his head to deal with the stress.
When Will It Ever Be Our Time? (from Whitney & Erick): After years of negatives followed by multiple miscarriages, the author thought that nothing could be harder than not getting pregnant at all until she goes through the losses and realizes how impossibly difficult it is to know that she got pregnant, but couldn’t remain pregnant.
Faith (from Knock Jessica Up): A trip to the Wright Brother’s National Monument sparks an idea in the author’s mind about how their amazing feat relates to infertility.
Letting Go (from Serenity Now!): During a weekend with friends, the author realizes how much pressure she is putting on herself to be perfect, which is why the pain of a failed cycle compounds with all the other stress she lays on herself in other facets of life.
A Hard Journey… (from Too Beautiful for Earth): The author promises to not rush grief after stating in regards to her two losses, “It’s surreal how I can be in such pain and disbelief and yet the world still turns, the seasons still change, life carries on.”
Are You There God, It’s Not Margaret (from Waves Over Stones): The author explores her beliefs in G-d after the loss of her son, both questioning and answering his role in her life.
Six Months Ago.. (from Raindrops): You will not be able to read this incredibly painful post without crying as it depicts the final day of her son’s life and the time afterwards.
In Memory of My Grandma (from Write, Baby, Repeat): Okay, I was already crying from the last post, but this one did me in too. A gorgeous post about a very special woman she calls Grandma who “because of her love for me despite the complete lack of biological ties, that taught me that I could adopt.” Warning: you will bawl.
What IF (revisit) (from HAHA): A very interesting looking at G-d and the way people speak about G-d in regards to infertility.
Sadness (from The Adventures of Taderbaby): A beautiful, sad post admitting that even with her boys, infertility is just as hard this time around when the cycles fail.
Stuck in Jelly (from Tears are for Babies): Going through her daughter’s baby clothes so she can pass them along to her SIL, the author both remembers her child’s babyhood and mourns the idea of not getting to experience that again with a future child.
An “Aha!” Moment (from Clear as Mud): Early experiences in life make the author and her husband perfect candidates for fostering and adoption.
How Am I Doing? (from My Beautiful, Messy Life): A post about accepting and finding peace in the idea that the two daughters she lost are in heaven.
Dealing (from My Angels In Heaven): The ache of losing her daughter as well as fears about the future run as a thread through this post about life after loss.
I’d Like To Introduce You To Heartache (from My Ramble is Broken): As the author says, “There is no way to prepare a person for the loss of their child.” But with this post, she attempts to bring understanding to the world of loss.
My Story, the Loss of a Toddler (from Life After the Death of a Child/Toddler): A heartbreaking story about the death of her daughter from SUDC, sudden unexplained death in childhood, going through her life from birth to death.
Mabel Joan (from This Human’s Condition): In a post thick with grief; the author tells the story of her daughter who was born still.
A Missing Friend (from Expectations Revised): The author voices her frustration with the one friend who has not reached out to her after the death of her son, despite the fact that she knows the news and has parents who attended the funeral. She wonders what her future relationship will be with this old friend.
On the Importance of Underwear (from A Second Line): A fantastic piece of advice for getting through the depression that accompanies infertility and loss. And yes, it does have to do with the sort of panties you wear.
I Have No Uterus (from Three Cats and a Baby): Reflecting on her radical hysterectomy that took place three months earlier, the author wonders what would have happened if she hadn’t connected with another person via the Internet who gave a her heads up on what to expect.
Labor Day (from Running into My Life): Even in the face of loss, the author admits that she is glad her babies existed for those brief moments because she got to love them intensely.
I Missed National Infertility Awareness Week (from Barren Woman): After an early adulthood of eschewing sex in order to wait until marriage, the author discovers she is infertile, but out of this frustration comes a different path to parenthood.
I’m Like a Bird (from Semi-fertile): A gorgeous post about how their yard work affected a mama bird, and how the author can relate to the bird who sits on their garage roof, looking for her babies.
My Miscarriage Story (from Live Art.fully): An emotional recounting of her miscarriage and the D&C afterward. As she admits at the end; she was only gone 5 hours, but she returned home completely changed.
Just a Poem I Copied From My Journal… (from Addison’s Wings): It’s not a path she would have ever chosen to walk, but she describes the walkway of loss beautifully as well as the little butterfly keeping her company.
What If? (from Slaying, Blogging, Whatever…): After fearing that she would never provide her son with a sibling, after five years, she brings home her daughter and learns that what she suspected all along is true — that her son makes a wonderful older brother.
Anger’s First Surfacing (from The Hardest Quest): In a very candid post, the author lays down her guilt over a moment of frustration with her daugher and asks if she ever has the right to feel anger after what she went through to have her.
Such Loss. Such Love. (from Love Love): The author asks how one begins to tell a tragic story, one where the listener already knows the ending? And yet, she attempts to relay the birth and death of her daughter, Sofia.
Someone to Blame (from My Sweet Kenny): An insensitive conversation with a neighbour after her son’s death sticks with her still and she can’t let it go since it gives her a space to place her anger in a situation where there is nowhere to set down her blame.
The Beginning of Dreams (from A Field of Dreams): The author recounts her long road of infertility to get to her happy ending.
Big Fat Positive (from Breaking Taboo): The author praises G-d for her current pregnancy and puts her trust in G-d that the pregnancy will progress to term.
The Girdling Root (from Three is a Magic Number): An incredible post comparing her emotional suffocation during pregnancy to the girdling root that took her favourite tree, resulting in her feeling more alone during pregnancy after infertility than she ever did during infertility.
October 15th, 1978! (from Bumblebee Ghosts): On her child’s birthday, she reflects on how difficult it was to have him and how snow always reminds her of her first days of motherhood.
Fun with Math (from Cradles and Graves): This post cracked me up — the author calculates how much fat she’s injecting into her body via her PIO shots and wonders why Snickers can’t work as well as sesame oil.
Movement. Bliss. (from Sprogblogger): A beautiful post about pregnancy after infertility and finding joy in passing over the midway point; in feeling the baby move.
Just (from My Words Fly Up, My Thoughts Remain Below): A fantastic post pointing out the ridiculousness when the word “just” is used in conjunction with something of great enormity.
More October Madness…What Happens When Babies Die Anyway? (from Epic Fail): The author explains what it was like for her to deliver her son who was born still; to go through the delivery knowing that he was dead and how her body couldn’t catch up with what had happened.
Generosity (from Future Expectations): The author muses on the generosity of the online world — both with virtual support when she was trying to conceive and now with tangible support for her twins.
That’s Me in The Corner (from Creating Motherhood): The topic of baptism in her house kicks off this post about the author’s relationship to religion — her journey through many facets of Christianity and wondering how she will bring Christianity to her son’s life.
We Are Amazing (from Miracle in the Making): Calling infertility “our war,” the author recounts the many ways people experiencing infertility are amazing.
The Bigger Picture (from TTC Sisteers and the Happiness Project): Finding the silver lining in the medication the author is taking to combat PCOS.
In Vitro Fertilization Gives You The Opportunity To Become Pregnant But It Is Never A Guarantee: Perseverance Is Key! (from Women’s Health And Fertility): A fertility doctor explains in this post that “IVF cannot make you pregnant. It can only give you the opportunity to become pregnant.”
Genuine Joy (from Little Looman Log): The author moves into auto-pilot when she encounters a pregnant friend at the store, and she goes through the usual questions one should ask when they hear about someone’s pregnancy without really being fully there.
My Unknown Identity (from Stumbling Gracefully): After her daughter was born, the author realized the weight she had been carrying around for years had lifted and in the buoyancy, she tries to pinpoint where and when that weight originated.
Game of Life (from One Who Understands): A wonderful post about how the author and her husband have returned to playing the game, Life, and how she cheats to add children in her car, reflecting the deep longing in her heart.
Time, Time Won’t Leave Me As I Am… (from My Wait is Over): A year after her relationship ended, the author reflects on how she has healed. How a year earlier, she couldn’t breathe and this year, she wakes up and her ordinary day is extraordinary in its ordinariness. I love this thought: “I realized that is better to be broken than to live fearing the fall.”
Why Didn’t I Deal With IF at the Time? (from Too Many Fish To Fry): The author’s current loss makes her realize that she never dealt with her feelings about infertility from the first time around. And she finds her solace in IF blogs.
The Day of Gloom (from Anla Knits. No, Really She Does!): The author explains how it feels to wake up each morning thinking that she is a failure. The frustration is almost tangible as she recounts a recent visit to the RE.
Procreationally Challenged (from Misfit Mrs.): The author discusses her problem with the word “infertile” and suggests that we use the term “procreationally challenged.” And while there, gives other parts of the medical dictionary an upgrade.
My Son’s Father (from A New Wheeler): A love song to her husband explaining all of the ways that he has shown her love in this world.
Co-sleeping (from My Insides, Out): A mother imagines she can feel the children she has lost with her as she lays in bed. She achingly writes: “I thought about the work that was begun in me, but never finished, like a length of knitting that came undone.”
The Dream vs. The Reality (Part Two) (from MoJo Working): Even though the author didn’t fill out that section of the baby book, she still thinks about the hopes and dreams she had for the baby she carried. And that even if there is one day another child, she will never get to realize the hopes and dreams she had for that child.
Why Didn’t You Reach Out To Me? (from My Infertility Woes): The author writes the questions she wishes she could ask her inlaws — all of whom are ministers — including why they didn’t comfort her, reach out to her, pray with her when she lost her baby.
“Contestamos” (from Life in a Glass House): Her daughter loves to ask questions and hear about how her family came together, and for the author, it is bittersweet to discuss the adoption, knowing so much more than what her four-year-old can currently comprehend.
Autopilot (from Waiting For Our Miracle): Contrasting the great excitement she felt waiting to hear her beta numbers is the grief she felt when she learned that IVF didn’t work, and how her body went on autopilot, painting and painting and painting as if the phone would ring again, bringing her other news.
You’re So Vain (from Many Many Moons): Looking at the pictures she is using the decorate her house, the author sees all of them through the lens of infertility, considering what else was happening at the time of the photograph.
“Adoption is Not the Same as Having a Child of Your Own” (from Creating a Family): Turning the tables, the author says that while people focus on what adoptive parents miss out on, she chooses instead to focus on what parents by birth miss. And it’s a wonderful reminder to look at the world from a 360 degree angle.
Witnessing a Miracle, and Holding an Angel (from …Journey to Motherhood): A mother meets her daughter for the first time, and though born still, she is absolutely perfect: both physically and in experience.
Riding The Bench (from Hobbit-ish Thoughts & Ramblings): The gold medal win for the Canadian women’s hockey team not only changes the author’s mood, but it gives her insight into how we come together as a community to cheer one another along.
Empowered (from The Unfair Struggle): I bawled with happiness reading this post about taking back control and feeling empowered during infertility by succeeding so enormously with speed skating.
Grieving Infertility (from Adoption Ain’t for Sissies): Jumping off a really good sad song, the author realizes why “infertility is so difficult to grieve. It is not a singular event with pain that numbs and heals with the years. Instead it is a continual event.”
Big Love, Big Acceptance, Big Teacher…In a Tiny Package (from Big Love, Big Acceptance): Her daughter, Acacia, only lived a few days, but in that time, she taught her mother all of the lessons contained in this post.
A Letter to My Daughter (from Journey of Hope): A letter to her daughter, filled with love. About holding someone tight while at the same time, letting them go.
One Year Anniversary (from Infertile Revolution): The change of people in the waiting room at the clinic serves as a reminder of how much time has passed. She likens herself to that 5th year college student whose fellow classmates have moved on, but she is still there, both dreading and finding comfort in the routine.
In The Eyes of The Beholder (from Kmina’s Blog): An explanation of growing up under communism, and how the author views Mother’s Day by extension.
When TTC becomes IF (from Trying Not to Scream): The author attempts to pinpoint the time when trying-to-conceive changed to infertility, and points out the enormous differences between these two states.
Sunset on the Beach with Astin and Ember (from Invisible Mother): The author creates a beautiful moment of closure for her losses in a ceremony she creates on the beach, creating metaphor with flower petals and driftwood.
Shadows and Should-Haves (from Cullen’s Blessings): A mother’s grief becomes tied in to the fact that she has only seven pictures of her son, Cullen, with no opportunity to have more taken, to rewind time and do any of the things she wishes she had done.
On the Eve of Your First Birthday, Finally, a Birth Story (from Tuesday’s Hope): A year after her son, Angus, was born, the author recounts the delivery and birth, explaining this happy event that is also seen through the lens of prior loss and how that comes into play when making decisions.
The Whole Story (from In This Storm): The author recounts the conception, pregnancy, birth and death of her daughter, Madelyn.
Why Don’t They Just Adopt? (…and other bad advice) (from Beauty for Ashes): The author explains to her friend that it’s not as simple as “just adopt;” that it isn’t about IVF vs. adoption, an either/or. That it is always such a personal process.
Infertility Hindsight (from A Greater Yes): Now nearing the end of her pregnancy, the author comes to understand how infertility has isolated her, and how she needs to own this fact, reflecting on how she has cocooned herself from the community prior to this point.
I Will Carry You (from Caroline’s Family): The author expresses the magnitude of carrying and losing her daughter best: “4 weeks ago tonight, I gave birth to her. 4 weeks ago tonight, I lost my first child. 4 weeks ago tonight, a part of my heart went with her. 4 weeks ago tonight, my life changed forever. 4 weeks ago, I felt G-d move in my life in a way I never had before. I was chosen for those 39 weeks to carry her in my womb.”
Blog Challenge–Day 29 (from Random Thoughts From Angie): A blogging prompt makes her realize that beyond trying to reach parenthood, the author has no other goal for the next 365 days, and she chooses to remedy this situation.
Going Through the Valley (from Expecting Miracles): The author discusses her faith, and how when she felt fear and doubt, rather than turn her back on G-d, she continued to pray.
My Left Ovary (from Eggs in a Basketcase): In a sea of “if onlys,” the author explains how science let her down in her epic battle against the cyst.
It Wasn’t You (from Lori Does Maryland): A mother gently lets her new son know that he is not the one who brought her to motherhood, though he is the one who has given her hope again.
Pain Quantified (from Still Searching for Our Golden Egg): The author wishes that she didn’t compare her pain to that of others, but she explains why it is human nature to do so.
When I Shut the Front Door (from Finding Her Way): Exhausted from running around, the author realizes that the running is connected to trying to make sense of the idea that she may never reach parenthood. That her mind is trying to keep up with the idea that life plans have changed.
How Time Flies (from Our Own Creation): A beautiful post about life continuing on after loss — way after loss with a new child in front of her. And how plans have changed, in beautiful and heartbreaking ways, and that this is life. This is what life looks like continuing.
Don’t Forget to Remember (from All in G-d’s Time): A memory exercise at church sparks a series of remembrances from childhood as well as a list of things she is thankful about. It is about using memories to find faith.
Madelyn Rose (from In G-d’s Time … Not Mine): A moving post about her first child, a daughter named Madelyn, who died a short time after her birth.
Rain, Rain, Go Away (from Our Wish Come Two): A mother of twins creates a funny poem about a rainy day stuck inside, driving home the point at the end: she wouldn’t trade this chaos for the world.
A Hot Pink Paperweight (from As Fast As My Baby Can): A beautiful note from her husband as well as a great story about a pink rock given to her by a man she knew back in college serves as a backdrop to this profound sentiment: “I am the strongest woman I know who is living my life.”
Practicing What I Preach (from Apron Strings For Emily): A response to an obnoxious commenter who stated that infertility isn’t a disease, reiterating that the author is an infertility survivor.
My Amazing Daughter (from Our Journey in Faith): During her brief life, the author didn’t speak openly about her daughter, Taryn. But now, in death, she expresses just how amazing her daughter was during the 100+ days that she was alive.
It’s a Good Day Today (from Sunnydaytodaymama): A mother celebrates the five year anniversary of her son’s conception via IVF.
Inner Strength (from Rocky Road to Motherhood): A great post about finding one’s inner strength again at a yoga class.
Walking on Faith (from Adventures of a Life-aholic): The author recounts her friend’s loss, and states that while it is hard to keep her faith in the face of events such as her friend’s loss, it is also something that she must do as a Christian woman.
You Never Know Who is Watching (from IF Crossroads): A story that sent shivers down my back as I read about the kindness of a stranger, and how their lives were mirrors in where they intersected, with both parties not knowing that the other one held the exact same secret despite evidence to the contrary.
Space Camp (from The Journey to Baby G): An incredible post comparing her brief pregnancy to space camp; to playing in her dreams rather than feeling as if she has actually achieved them.
Excited, Focused, Ready (from Team Baby): The author’s pep talk to herself as she takes a few more steps on the road of fertility treatments, reminding herself to be excited, focused, and ready.
A Little Help From My Friends (from Chasing Rainbows): The author explains that going through treatments alone can be isolating and lonely in addition to the usual stress and exhaustion. She recommends building your own support as she has through both face-to-face friends as well as her online network via her blog.
The Importance of Believing (from A Half Baked Life): A fantastic story about how “it’s important to allow yourself to believe, even in the things that seem impossible.”
New and Improved (from 1tsp_grace): Deciding to parent flipped a switch and once it was flipped, the author couldn’t undo it, despite her ambivalence before they tried. A post about how they came to be foster parents.
The Valley of Death (from Can I Get Some Sugar with These Lemons?): Instead of finding barren land in Death Valley, the author finds fields of flowers. There is life in every direction as she mourns her IVF cycle, and the accompanying photographs are beautiful.
The Dead Sea Scroll Exhibit (from The Mud and the Lotus): A trip to see the Dead Sea Scroll exhibit at a museum connects the author with 2000+ years of infertility. While she knew infertility was not a modern disease, it was humbling to stand in front of the scroll, connected to the stories of people thousands of years earlier who had felt the exact same pain she felt in that moment.
A Gift. . . . I Never Asked For (from Misconceptions About Conception): Being without a child has its own silver linings, but it is infertility itself that strangely enough becomes a gift more than a burden to the author.
Like Deja Vu All Over Again (from The Port of Indecision): The author explains that after her parent’s own bout with infertility, not being able to become a grandparent brings back old feelings. It is a bittersweet post about the far-reaching effects of infertility.
Tomorrow (from Exploring Chaos): A powerful post comparing the day her child will be born to the same things she felt when she was about to be married.
Year In Review (from Fertility Alphabet Soup): A brilliant post — unable to find one post that summarized her year, she created one reflecting on all that has happened with links to the individual moments she remembers.
Thoughts From a Drunk Friend… (from My Violet Thoughts): When a friend gets some alcohol in her, she lets loose all of the questions that were really inside her head when the author told her that she was going to use donor sperm. And this uncomfortable moment makes her question what other thoughts people are holding back.
Feeling (from From IF to When): On any given day, from moment to moment, the author can answer the “how are you doing” question differently, hence making it difficult to sum up her complex emotions into a neat answer.
Family (from Birds and Squirrels): Another person’s casual comment becomes a moment for lightness in the author’s heart as she realizes the rest of the world finally sees her as she sees herself.
On the Haves and the Have-Nots (from Stork Stalking): The author realizes that everyone can compare themselves to others and find those who they consider to be worse or better off, but that this type of comparison is far from helpful. She ends with a list of gratitude rather than a list of comparisons.
7 Weeks (from Me Plus One): Tempering the excitement of a new pregnancy with what she remembers from her first loss and looking for answers in the symptoms.
Double Agents (from I Lost a World): A post that packs a punch: the author both feels part of and separate from the other parents dancing with their kids at a concert, and she wonders how many other parents there have secret stories that don’t show on the outside.
All About Me (from Project Progeny): A beautiful post about learning to let go. She writes: “I keep thinking of the quote that got me through the cesarean: “you have to want the pitch you’re going to get” (baseball reference). You have no control over what life is going to throw at you; the best you can do is set your mind to receive it, and rise to meet it, whatever it may be.”
I’m Infertile (from The Lucky Life): An eager little employee gets schooled on infertility when he asks about the author’s parenting status and then tries to find a solution to her problem.
Confessions (from Diary of Taking Small Steps Towards Baby Steps): As much as it may appear otherwise on the outside, the author admits that she doesn’t have it altogether emotionally when it comes to infertility. And this vulnerability, this admittance of how hard it can be, is what makes this post so endearing.
With Thor Home (from Still Life with Circles): Such an incredibly powerful post about the birth of her son, the earlier death of her daughter, and the places where these two events intersected and bounced off one another.
“A Family, At Last” (from It’s Either Sadness or Euphoria): A follow up to their story that first appeared in the newspaper, telling about the birth of their twins. I love this line: “Nothing about this journey happened the way we expected.” But look how wonderful it all is anyway.
Beginning and End (from Small Obsessions): The line between giddy hope and the heaviness of knowledge and standing in that space knowing both directions exist.
A Disease I Can’t Catch (from Bake One Buy One): The process of trying to conceive brings two pieces of self-knowledge: her infertility and her hidden jealousy that emerges as friends announce their pregnancies. A clever post about what happens when we are happy for others and sad for ourselves at the same time.
No (from Built in Birth Control): The agony of knowing that if she didn’t write about her daughters, Ayla and Juliet, the world wouldn’t know they had existed.
Alone (from Fertile Ramblings): A post explaining exactly what she needs in the sea of loneliness that comes with infertility.
How to Talk to a “Subfertile” Woman (from Uncommon Nonsense): After being given a message of “don’t stress about your inability to get pregnant” message from the doctor, the author outlines many things that should never been uttered to someone subfertile.
The One that Got Away (from Wanna Bee): After experiencing how it feels to place all of her love into a baby, the author wonders if she should be satisfied that she had this experience at all, or be allowed to mourn and miss that sensation and want it again.
Miscarriage Confirmed (from Fearlessly Infertile): A beautiful ode to her husband and marriage through the sadness of tears of loss.
Sisyphus Sings Kumbaya (from Mission: Fertile Soul): Comparing infertility to the myth of Sisyphus, the author finds comfort in the thought: “it is what it is.”
Insert Three Tablets (from The Misadventures of Missohkay): The end of her pregnancy, completed at home, with the loss a surreal experience complete with the Westminster Dog Show and the product of conception going down the drain.
Picking the Plot Back Up (from Just Us and the Cat): An incredibly honest post about the depression that hit after her miscarriage: how it felt and the logistics of dealing with loss, as well as how long it took and how she became well again.
Times of Grace and Ease (from Bloodsigns): The recurring themes in our lives; the making of the past into the present and coming to terms with the present, and finding peace with what is, with finding the music for the current time.
In Limbo (from IF In Big Sky Country): Even now in parenthood, the author still identifies with her infertility and asks if she will always be most comfortable in this place of limbo.
Patience, Grasshopper (from Inconceivable!): Frustration with the waiting that is inherent in infertility as well as a discussion of the IPS (imaginary pregnancy symptoms) that come before RPS (real pregnancy symptoms).
Robust (from Life Without My Twins): Though the world may see her through the lens of fragility rather than robustness, the author points out all she has been through — and she’s still standing.
A Tide of Emotions in the Face of a Friend’s Pain (from Wistfulgirl’s World): The author explains that the pain of a failed adoption is unlike that of any other loss, and how those who have been through it need time to grieve and feel what they’re going to feel.
Three Years (from Mission Impossible?): A public service announcement on the three year anniversary of her medical termination, begging all women to take folate, whether they are actively trying or not.
Raw (from Life After Benjamin): The author wonders how many people, like her, are walking wounded, appearing normal for all intents and purposes, but with the rawness just below the surface.
You Thought I Was Crazy Before? (from Sell Crazy Someplace Else): In the throes of early pregnancy, the author goes through her neatly numbered list of fears and subfears in her kooky, lovable way.
What’ll It Be? (from Bionic Mamas): An incredibly brilliant post about holding knowledge of the sex of the baby at bay and how many expectations we place on a child once we know their sex. A post about delaying expectations and trying to hold on to this time of knowing that each child is their own person.
What If? (from Things Get IF’fy): A what if about the state of her relationships kicks off a frank admittance that dealing with infertility makes her depressed, jealous, and grumpy. And at the same time, that very thing that threatens her relationships has also been the thing that has brought her empathy for others’ adversities.
Implosion (from Implosion): After her life implodes with the loss of her baby at 16 weeks, she points out that explosions are obvious, making it impossible for people not to remark on the event, but implosions are quiet, “like a soap bubble bursting quietly, if you’re not watching you don’t know exactly when it went from being a iridescent floating orb to nothing.”
Jealousy (from Negative Nelly Flips): After a long life of not feeling jealous over what other people have, the author suddenly finds herself struggling with jealousy over other people’s pregnancies. Drowning in a sea of “should haves,” she relays a particularly difficult moment shopping for another person’s child.
Anatomy of an Adoption (from Romancing the Stork): A very eye-opening post about what same-sex couples go through in order to “finally have legal rights and responsibilities that reflect our equal relationships to the child we have spent years dreaming of, planning for, conceiving, gestating, and raising.”
Pinhole Camera (from Journeywoman): People think they know you by what they see through a pinhole-like lens, but the author points out that she is the person who gets to define herself, and not others. And she refuses to define herself by her long wait to motherhood.
Once Upon a Dream (from Sparkles and Fairy Tales: Waiting for my Fertile Godmother): A beautiful post of all the dreams currently residing inside her heart.
Letting Go (from Knocked up by Another Man): The author lets go of the life she thought she would have and embraces the life she has, new baby and all.
Officially a Family! (from A Woman My Aged): An ordinary post about loving your child becomes extraordinary when the author adds the additional layer of what it took to bring this family together, how she let love in, and how she is feeling her way through adoption — gracefully — the best she can. A post marking the day they officially became a family in the eyes of the court.
Faithful Pain (from Maternal Hope): A post about how grief and faith relate to one another and how having faith does not mean that you never go through trials, that you never feel pain.
Just Relax and It’ll Happen… and Then I’ll Poke Your Eye Out (from Yolk: A Blog About Eggs and Sperm): A very funny post tearing apart the advice to “stop trying and just relax,” pointing out how little will happen if one follows this advice.
Her Special Need (from Bushel & A Peck): Within adoption, special needs and healthy become relative terms as this author explores within this post about her child’s emotional landscape, her broken heart, reflecting on an adoption letter that she wrote years ago, believing she knew what she wanted.
Math Exercise (from Adventures of a Dam Engineer): Some simple math equations fills the author’s heart with dread as she calculates what her possible adoption wait time will be until her profile is shown to expectant parents.
Normal But Not Normal (from Infertile Follies): As the author lays bare on the screen the stress that has filled her year, she asks why in other cases, she would be given sympathy, but with infertility, she is told brightly that she could always adopt.
For Me on May 14th & For Anyone Who Has Lost a Baby (from Little Bird): The words the author wishes she had read after her loss, which she now gives other women who cannot hold their children on Mother’s Day. A virtual hug to read when you need it most.
The Only Place (from Wonderful Thing): Exploring her deepest fears after a devastating conversation with her husband. She painfully states: “I’m scared that in order to be childless that I will have to leave a part of me behind.”
Cycle 41, Day 1, ART Cycle #12 (from Crazy Lady Ramblings): On the 1534th day of trying-to-conceive, the author reflects on where she is emotionally as she reenters treatments as well as how she has been changed by her journey.
It’s Not Smaller (from AnxiousMummy): The author admits, “this community is really the only place where my grief is allowed to be shown at ‘actual size’, not the condensed version that society accepts.” A post about being allowed to grieve early losses as losses.
The Lord is Sufficient (from Galatians 4:22-23): A deeply religious post about how G-d is sufficient and how the author believes that G-d will carry you through your pain if you lean on him.
Frustrated (from All You Knew Was Love…): A vent about all of the frustrations that have piled up as the author tries of build her family.
Dementor Hunting. (from My Dusty Uterus): A very clever post about the dementors who are stealing her sleep, throwing her words back at her and taunting her with all of her fears. And, of course, the only way to get rid of them is not with a patronus spell, but with a positive pee stick.
An Idiot’s Guide to Grieving Dads (from Living in the Rainbow): An important post to read (and for people to add to in the comment section) giving the perspective of the grieving dad.
I’m Sorry (from My Hopeful Journey): The author admits that she has changed through infertility and she offers up this post as an apology to the other people in her life who have been affected by her inability to build her family.
Good Grief (from Holy Pee Stick, Batman!!): A heartbreaking post about being in a space with no options — with having to go on even though her heart is so shattered that she can’t possibly go on. As she bounces through the stages of grief, she remembers her role as Julius’s mother.
Keeping the Faith, Not Giving Up Hope & Staying Thankful (from WritingThroughIT): In the throes of an early loss, the author looks for the silver lining in continuing on with IVF as well as the things in her life — including her husband, her sister, her children and her faith — that bring her comfort.
My Losses (from Making Me Mom): Trying to convey how many small losses are inherent within infertility and how they add up to contribute to the enormous grief.
Maybe I Am a Bad Friend (from All I Ever Wished For): The author expresses her reasons for why she might be a bad friend as she goes through moments of self-preservation.
Back To Us (from Got Love, Been Married, Where the Hell’s the Baby Carriage?): A quiet, happy moment between the author and her husband that makes her realize that they are slowly returning to a place of peace as they leave behind cycling and prepare for adoption.
(Happy) Mother’s Day (from Slightly Cosmopolitan): An achingly beautiful post about a loss that occurs on Mother’s Day, using the magnolia tree that grows outside their home as a metaphor for their baby.
No One Told Me This Either (from Four Plus an Angel): One day before her move and the author is still packing, immobilized by all of the small mementos of her daughter that she uncovers as she puts things in boxes.
Dust Gathering (from Longing, Living, Loving): Getting ready one morning, the author notices that her son’s crib is covered in a fine coating of dust, and cleaning becomes an act of remembering him and mourning what was lost.
Arabian Nights (from A Single Journey): At first, she can’t imagine wearing the dress to her friend’s party that she picked out to wear to the baby shower that didn’t happen. But after she puts it on, she realizes that wearing it is an act of hope; a promise to herself of a future that will come.
What Happens After (child more than mentioned) (from Birch and Maple): A post about parenting after infertility, where she so eloquently states: “I guess I keep waiting for the time, the moment when Everything Will Be Perfect.”
She Ran With A (from InDueTime): Right before her niece’s custody hearing, her sister tries to take the child away on a bus, and it is the author who is left to deal with the fall out, with the child suddenly involved in a situation that she wanted to shield her from until she is old enough to understand.
Ten Weeks, Two Days (from Infertile Fantasies): A brief post that sums up a huge amount of happiness in 8 words as the author announces her pregnancy.
Two Weeks (from Three Little Birds): Her husband’s doctor said that he had two weeks to live, but he didn’t make her time frame, dying a week later. And this post is about missing him, about knowing that even though he would soon be gone, she was human, and she had her limitations of what she could do. And even knowing that, she is left on the other side with enormous grief.
Rather Be Hiking, Well Maybe Not (from Calmly Chaotic): It’s the ban on physical activity that the author struggles with as she cycles, desperately wanting to hike or do yoga, but told she needs to trade her physical outlets in order to have a chance to have a baby.
Dear Fertile Friend (from Remember All the Way): Her friend’s insensitive emails pointing out the have nots within her haves pierce the heart of the author, moving her to write this unsent note to her friend.
Waiting (from We Wait in Joyful Hope): Infertility is the receptacle of all of her anger, leaving her to approach adoption with hope and a happy heart, and it is a Christmas ornament that helps her illuminate the difference and where her feelings stem.
I Still Get Angry (from An Older Version): Though she is parenting after infertility, the anger is still there — for the wasted time, for the way she was treated, for the people still back on the island. It is the vulnerability that caught my eye with this post; the admittance that infertility was lonely. And that the aftermath is lonely too.
One Year Ago Today (from One Good Egg): On the one year anniversary of the day her son came into her life, the author commemorates how their family came together by talking about the risks we take with our hearts.
Claire’s Story (from Letters to Claire): The pregnancy, birth, and brief life of her daughter, Claire; written so that she will be remembered, that all will know that she was here.
This Time Last Year (from G-d Keeps His Promises): As the author points out, having a new baby does not replace the one which was lost, but it does redirect her energy, and in this post is both the sadness and joy of a year of change.
A Story About What a Grandpa Should Be. (from A Story Unfolding): I bawled reading this post in the early morning, and you will most likely bawl too, about the enormous love a grandfather has for his granddaughter, and what he does for her after she dies.
A Piece of Autumn (from Impersonating Normal): What she can’t capture with words, she tells with pictures, and the story is a beautiful mixture of sadness and love brought together through the planting of a memory tree.
Infertility Has Given Me Such Different Colored Glasses (from For All the Things We Hope For): Jumping off the lyrics of Michael Buble’s song “Just Haven’t Met You Yet,” the author explains how she hears the words through the lens of infertility and maternal love.
How We Met the President (from Turkey In My Oven): A fabulous story, complete with pictures, of how President Obama came to be holding her twin sons.
Advocacy (from Infertility Unexplained): A post about the line between advocacy and privacy, about the desire to speak about infertility and the fact that the people at the author’s family dinners don’t know about their personal struggle.
O Christmas Tree (from Our Journey to be a Mommy and Daddy): Pretty pictures of their Christmas tree, including their newest ornament — one that looks into the future — inscribed with the word “hope.”
The Post Where I Whine About Making a Portfolio (from The Woes of a Barren Lesbo): When the author first heard about the adoption portfolio two years ago, she couldn’t wait to get started encapsulating her life. But now that the moment is here, the enormity of the task leaves her struggling to find peace with all the tiny decisions as she commits her life to paper.
Climate Change (from Skytimes): A post that goes in two directions, celebrating winter and the space it affords to slow down and sit with sadness for a bit, and the idea of women defining themselves by their children — both those that are here and those that aren’t — and how the author finally understands why people do this.
Ebb and Flow (from It Is What It Is (or Is It?)): A powerful, deeply-honest post about ambivalence, about not finding complete peace in a decision, but also knowing that something must be done because the alternative brings even more discomfort.
My Baby is Dead But at Least… (from Hello Goodbye): The need to critique another woman’s bum to distract the author from the pregnant women around her in line.
But What Do You DO? (from The Maybe Baby): The author struggles with how to answer when someone asks what she does. I love these lines so much: “Clearly saying that you grieve daily while trying to figure out some way, any way to safely bring one or two of those little embryos on ice into the world is not the story most of the world wants to hear. And what would give this drunken stranger the right to know that story anyway? But any other answer is short of the truth.”
The BFN – Stop Taking Credit for It (from Roccie Road): A powerful tweaking of looking at a negative: “If I cannot make it happen, I cannot make it fail.” And with these words, the author’s outlook changes and she finds her energy to move forward again.
Disappointment (from Come What May): The author points out the good that can come from telling people about infertility but also highlights three frustrating situations that came about due to their openness.
The X-Factor (from Bakery Closed Until Further Notice): A beautiful post about a love that went into hibernation after a loss only to reemerge out of the healing just as strong as before.
Embracing Adoption (from Find Joy Now): I love how the way a concrete thing — a store — changes in meaning as the author embraces adoption as her path to parenthood.
Happy Ending (from An Infertility Journal): Though the journey was very different from how she thought it would go, the author presents her story of surrogacy and IVF as the information she would have wanted to hear back when she first started down this road to give herself hope.
The Moon (from A Fifth Season): A tiny, tiny post that packs an enormous emotional punch — a beautifully written paragraph that captures a moment and holds it before letting it go.
Due Date (from Magnolia Queen): In a moving post, the author remembers her child on her unfulfilled due date, wanting her counted amongst those who have existed. The author wonders whether she can be considered a mother if she never held her baby in her arms.
How She Got Her Name (from Born From My Heart): A post about loss and life — about the death of a niece and how the author had her child’s name come to her one day as a thought.
Breaking Up (from The (In)fertility Diaries): A brilliant post written as a break-up letter to infertility.
Thankful for Lemons? (from Locked Womb Mystery): Though it’s easy to be grateful for what you have, this author tries to be grateful for the hardship that is infertility and to find the silver lining in the struggle.
Rainy With A Chance Of Baby (from Casa DeFrias): During a follicle scan, the enormity of the fact that the author will never see her child on the sonogram screen hits home, but brings the post to a sweet ending with a kiss from her husband.
I Would Do it All the Same (from Baby Magnesi): The author wonders whether if given a chance, she would have rather jumped over all the failed cycles and gone straight to IVF or adoption without this time in between. But she also reflects on what was gained during all the heartache.
The New Normal (from Hot Mama Bear’s Premature Delivery): Her first new normal was learning to live life without her mother and daughter. But the author juxtaposes that against this additional new normal of pregnancy; and how to the outsider, our pregnancies look like any other pregnancy.
Lessons From A Bathroom (from Viva la Vida): A breakdown that occurs while cleaning a toilet gives the author food for thought: it brings into focus what she can control and what she can’t, allowing her to change how she views the world.
The Open Secret (from FertileLife): With the incredibly moving line: “The depression of infertility is like a side note, vaguely acknowledged but not made an open secret,” the author discusses the deep well of darkness she feels.
Marriage is Like a Wooden Boat (from Sticky Feet): A great post about making your marriage a priority during parenthood after infertility that begins with a lovely paragraph by Ayelet Waldman comparing maintaining a marriage to building a wooden boat.
The First Failed Insemination (A.K.A. “The Starbucks Incident”) (from The 2 Week Wait): A hysterical post about collecting their semen sample for their IUI at your friendly, neighbourhood Starbucks.
The Results are In…Already (from Tiggers Infertility Madness and What Others Have to Say About It): The author had come to a place of peace with their infertility and their decision to live child-free. Then after her mother died, her mother’s words came true and she became pregnant. A post about freaking out and living in wonder.
The Airing of Grievances (from The Life and Times of KitVonD): One of the criteria for being alive is the ability to reproduce, kicking off this airing of grievances over the comments people leave on infertility articles online, especially those that can’t seem to be empathetic towards experiencing infertility.
Breaking My Silence (from Chasing Mommyhood): Inspired to come forward and speak about her infertility, the author writes a letter to the important people in her life explaining how infertility affects her.
I Am Mad (from Our IVF Journey): An angry post venting all of her frustrations that ends with a poignant, gut-wrenching truth.
Year End (from Worrier/Warrior): A beautiful look at the same day on the last three years as well as a peek into the future, all the while holding the present in mind at the same time.
The Time I Got Jock Itch and had to Blow Dry my Lady Business (from Conceive This!): A very funny post about getting jock itch in her lady parts — hint: it’s not the progesterone.
What Ifs and Wondering (from The Pursuit of Pregnancy): Going through the what ifs that haunt her, the author also holds close the love she already has for her future child.
In One Day (from It Just Takes One): A difficult post about how her life changed in one day — the first time by learning that she was pregnant and the second time learning that her daughter’s heart had stopped.
Battling Urgency (from I Can’t Whistle): A fantastic post about not giving into the sensation of urgency, and that while looking towards the future, we need to breathe in the moment.
Glory Baby (from Noah’s Ark): An aching letter written to her son two months after he died.
Letter to Owen (from Jeanna’s Motherhood Journey): A mother explains in a note to her unborn child: “You are not a replacement for your older twin brothers, but a more cherished child because of them.”
Birthday Gifts (from Valentina in the Sky): An incredibly moving post looking back on life since her last birthday — from the elation of finding out that she was having a daughter to the deep sadness of choosing her casket.
I want to kill you…no I want to love you (from ChicknChicken): The mixture of comfort and sadness in knowing the hard stop to fertility treatments.
Ten Years Ago And Ten Years Later (from In the Middle): I cried reading this post, which is a beautiful tribute to 10 years of marriage as they return to the place where he proposed after their meeting with an adoption social worker. I found this line incredibly moving: “Michael wrapped his arms around me and asked me if I’d marry him again. I said yes, in a heartbeat and I wouldn’t change a thing.”
The Best Friend’s Guide to IVF (from Mommy-In-Waiting): An invaluable post detailing everything you need to know about IVF before you get started (or even during the process).
The Funeral (from For We Are Bound by Symmetry): On New Years Eve, the author says goodbye to a difficult 2010 and admits that, “when the clock strikes midnight and the ball drops, I will kiss Buster, passionately. In that kiss will contain all of my hope, apprehension, excitement and curiosity for the upcoming 2011.”
Invisible Children with Tender Hearts (from Help! S-O-S for Parents): The unique situations that some children face, including the author’s children who were adopted from Russia.
Acceptance (from Living Without Brenna): The author writes a brave post admitting that she no longer feels she has a place in the babyloss community because she is no longer actively grieving the loss of her daughter.
What If (from Body Diaries by Lucy): The infertile shadow is the mark that the experience brings to other facets of life, as the author discovers when infertility still lurks in the back of her mind during the pregnancy.
Lifespan (from Lauren Vs. the World): The author points out how intertwined the subjects of life and death are as each conversation about the loss of her grandfather returns to the topic of infertility.
How it Feels When the Sacred is Torn From Your Life and You Survive (from Drew Needs Rest): A post about finding her extreme beauty through the birth and death of her son. She writes, “I, for the first time ever, feel completely grown up and like a woman now and not a child. I held my child in my arms as he died. And I have survived.”
I Know You Were Adopted But Part II (from Amazing Grace): An adoptive mother, in an effort to respond to adoption naysayers asks, “as parents, biological or adoptive, we have no idea what we’re getting in to when we take on the responsibility of children?”
Attack of the Sh**ty Luck Fairy (from Journey to the Center of the Uterus): A great rant about the financial burdens of infertility couched in the refinancing of a home and the need to find the money for an egg donor. At its heart is a great question — should all the small things in life be sacrificed for the larger goal of becoming a parent?
Open Adoption is Acceptance – Warts and all (from Baby Steps to a Baby Dream): A fantastic post exploring the author’s experience with open adoption. She writes, “Open adoption is about accepting your child and his or her family as is – warts and all.”
Who Am I?? (from Fly Away Home to Heaven): After lamenting that she can’t believe that her life is her own, that she has lost two children, she also finds peace with G-d.
My babies (from You Call Me a Bitch Like It’s a Bad Thing): An ode to her dogs, how much she loves them, and how she hopes that love won’t change once she also has a child in her arms. She hopes that even after she is parenting, her dogs will still be her babies.
Going Gluten Free (from Braving IVF): The author goes gluten-free, and explains how she works her way around consuming gluten in order to treat her infertility.
Embryo stages, progression and pregnancy outcomes (from Fertility Lab Insider): A fertility lab insider goes over the various stages of an embryo as well as other helpful information in order to understand IVF.
Distance (from Our Family Beginnings): The author laments the physical distance between herself and family, and how it affects her emotionally.
A Letter From Your Daddy (from Letters To My Daughter): A beautiful note, from father to daughter, before her birth.
A Year Ago Yesterday (from Journey Through Infertility and TTC): Reflecting on the difference a year makes, the author revisits the day she started injectibles and juxtaposes it with the existence of her daughter.
Yeah, About That…(My Thoughts About Race) (from Dreams Really do Come True): 11 important lessons the author has learned in her 9 months of being part of a interracial family, parenting a child of a different race.
Well Ochestrated Plan (from When Hello Means Goodbye): An exchange between the birth mother and adoptive mother highlight both their beliefs that G-d led them to each other.
Being me (from On KK’s butterfly wings): The author explains that while people who knew her before the loss of her child expect her to return to who she was, she feels more comfortable now with people who see her as the person she has become.
What I Wanted to Say (from Rage Against the Minivan): An incredibly powerful post on all the things the author wants to convey about adoption.
Someone elses’s safe place (from The Barreness’s Blog): The reality of motherhood hits the author, and she beautifully explains, “And now it’s our turn to be someone else’s safe place – and it feels even better than being in my own.”
My First Ultrasound Scan (from Colours of Cattiz): Juxtaposing what should have been her first ultrasound — one for a baby vs. a mid-cycle check-up — the author unpacks the thoughts jumbling around in her brain.
Today I Feel Brave (from Here’s To Unwavering Hope): On the day that she wrote the post, the author felt brave, facing down her upcoming IVF cycle with courage and hope.
I have seen the future (from Saucy Ova): Coming to the realization that something has to give, the author calls in sick during the first trimester so she can stay home and place her future family first.
Hickeys and Camp Night (from It’s Always Raining): A lovely, small post celebrating her husband: the hickey giver and camp night talker.
Post Mortem Results- The Outcome (from Finding My New Normal): A mother finally has an answer for why her son died, but the closure doesn’t necessarily bring comfort. In the end, the simple reality is that she doesn’t have her child, and that is larger than reasons and answers.
Friend or Foe? Understanding The Delicate Balance of Infertility and Friendship (from Beckies Infertility Journey): The author explains the delicate balance that exists in friendships between infertile and fertile women. She states how she views the Facebook status updates, the daily pictures, and everything in between.
5/6/2010 (from Mary, Mungo, Midge, Tidge and Squidge!): The final post on a long journey. The author writes: “When I kissed our children goodnight tonight for the first time in their new beds in their forever home, the pain, heartache and blackness was wiped away in an instant. We are a family at last.”
Being an adoptive Mum is… (from Being A New Adoptive Mum): A vent about all the things the author cannot write that she wishes to say when she writes a letter to her children’s first family.
Coping (from Amy Said It): An incredibly moving post in which the author admits that she isn’t coping after the loss of her child.
The End Of Dont Ask Dont Tell? (from The NYC Gathering): An examination of how far we’ve really come in discussing and accepting donor-conception and surrogacy.
An American Adoption Story (from Circle + Bloom’s How Einstein Would Get Pregnant): A link to a podcast as well as the story behind how Circle and Bloom got started.
I Love My Adopted Child Differently (from Our Heart’s Journey): “A moving post about helping her children through their emotional struggles. She writes in the end: “We don’t try to be “normal.” To glaze over the issues and pretend that being adopted isn’t different. It is different. And so, my love is different. My love is fierce. And each time my child’s little heart is raw and exposed, I will stop the world.”
A History (from Beyond the Brick Wall): From childhood until now: a look at how the author has processed the idea of being a mother.
It’s Complicated… (from In the present moment…): Exploring the idea that adoption is certainly not the best situation for all three members of the triad, the author strives to create the best possible world for herself, her future child, and her future child’s first parents within the reality of adoption.
Six Things, Part 2 (from Sparkly Things Distract Me): It’s not that the author wants to use her own genetic material for herself; but it is a small way of keeping the mother she lost in this world. And yet, her mother will live on regardless in the way the author parents, in the lessons she learned.
Holy Shit that was Nerve Wrackin (from Storm In My Teacup): An amusing look at a first set of injections as well as commentary on the disbelief that the medical establishment turns over these drugs and needles to us and says, “good luck!”
Notes to Myself (from Searching for the Missing Piece): Taking out the Christmas tree to put it together, the author finds a note she wrote to herself about assembling the tree. She reflects on the version of herself who wrote that note and all that has come to pass in the past year.
Bits of a Dream (from Giving up a Dream & Getting a Dream): The author raises a question on the point of having dreams when only some people get to achieve their heart’s desire whereas others never reach their dreams despite all their best efforts.
Thoughts From Two Months Ago (from No Baby Ruth): A note expressing her fear, sadness, and frustration at infertility as well as a desire to be innocent again of what is ahead if she wants to create her family.
The Fear (from My Bumpy Journey): The author says it perfectly with her opening: “I think infertility can not be summed up with one word… but one word can describe what people feel when struggling on their journey to build their family..before, during, and after. Fear.”
Tears of sadness, tears of joy (from Attempting to love life without her): The author dreams of her lost daughter, and then awakens to realize how much she is needed here on earth by people, despite her heavy heart.
My Year of Grief (from Life, Interrupted): Processing the loss of her child, the author explains: “You plan for your child’s life as soon as you find out you’re pregnant.” Even within the happiness of two, there will always be a third person missing.
Baby-crazy (from MommyOdyssey): A peek into the author’s internal monologue as she insists that she wants a baby: NOW!
Holy Leaping Follicles, Batman! (from “Just Relax!”): Does one make small talk while their feet are in the stirrups? A recounting of an appointment before her IUI.
Cash, Check or Charge? (from The Lost Stork ): A final post right before her IVF cycle gets started with the promise to “put up one hell of a fight.”
Mother’s Milk (from My Fascinating Life): A fantastic post about “starting to let go of the assumptions I had about feeding.” A post about understanding that just because one thing is good doesn’t mean the other thing is bad, and that reality has a way of getting in the way of our good intentions.
a child is born (no i’m not talking about baby jesus) (from Waiting on Baby C): About finding joy in someone else’s delivery of a newborn, about hoping that the author’s story turns out the same way as her friend’s.
The Bliss of Possibility (from Another Barren Blogger): Finally, a post explaining the good points of the two week wait. The author writes, “My blood knows. My body knows. The answer is out there. But I’d rather stay here, in the bliss of possibility.”
A Tale of Postal Frustration (from WegenTales): An important post for companies to read about why they should sell their lists to other companies. A mother, mourning her loss, is confronted by boxes of formula.
Taking the Road Less Traveled (from Love Happens): A gorgeous post about the beauty in the road less traveled. The author explains, “Foster-Care Adoption certainly is a road less traveled. Being on it though, has made all the difference in the world.”
Wyatt’s Story And A New Project (from Cloudy With A Chance of Hope): The emotional story behind the delivery, birth, and death of her son, Wyatt.
Counseling (from Hope Springs Eternal): A moving post about going to counseling with her husband and placing his needs as utmost importance, even when they delay her from dealing with their infertility.
There are those that understand (from Mission: Motherhood): A fantastic post about discussing infertility with those who understand, those who don’t, those who want to understand, and those who could truly care less.
Infertility…and then pregnancy… (from Surviving the Secondary Infertility Madness): Addressing one of the less supportive parts of the ALI blogosphere, the author discusses losing readers and support once she announced her pregnancy.
Just Because You’ve Been Damaged by Tragedy Doesn’t Mean You Have Nothing Left to Offer the World (from Buck Up, Buttercup): A tiny post that packs a punch about the unique wood used to construct the chapel where the author got married.
Two Feet Rooted in the Past…None in the Future? (from A Journey is Worth a Thousand Words. Infertility and Life after 35!): The author’s infertility spurs on a frantic search to understand her ancestry and know where she came from, even with a hurtful comment made about her inability to create the next generation.
Rough Week (from Adding Peas to Our Pod): An emotional post about her husband being in the hospital while she is simultaneously having a miscarriage.
Unrequited Love. (from The Bex Files): I cried reading this post recounting her son’s crush at school and the object of her affection. A beautiful post about watching love happen.
My Cup Runs Over…My Heart is Melting. (from Conceiving Insanity): A blog post that is both an end and a beginning: an end to her infertility journey and a beginning to life with triplets.
Breaking Bows (from Parenthood for Me): A wedding shower brings out the author’s feelings about infertility; namely, the constant refrains about pregnancy from everyone in the room.
Two Heads are Better than One; Avoiding the Pitfalls of Difficult Decision-Making (from Your Great Life): Advice on how to navigate infertility as a couple without falling into communication pitfalls.
1 Day More (from Infertility And Me): A tiny post that speaks volumes: it is the last night before their child arrives and everything changes.
The Undiscovered Country (from After Iris): The author asks and answers a very important question: “is there ever a way to have a “good birth” when the outcome is a dead baby?”
What a Difference a Year Makes (from The Best Seat in the House): Finding a moment of peace even in the face of possible terrible news vs. finding that peace after the storm has passed; a mother reflects on both loss and life.
Fears (from believing in june): The author realizes that she has already faced fears once in her life and emerged out the other side, and there is a lot of hope (as well as sadness) in this post that it could win over those fears again.
And Then it All Came Crashing Down… (from Life in the Last Frontier): A hard post to read about an adoption that fell through after the author brought home her baby, but also an important post to read because it is written by someone who could use your support.
the list is finished. The 2011 post will open for submissions in October 2011.

Blogs that Closed in 2010**

We’re so sorry to see these blogs missing from the blogosphere. Every piece of writing changes a person’s perspective of their own journey. The world was changed by their words.

Incompl-te

For the Flavour

Not Like I Thought It Would Be

A Someday Mom

Down Under

Silver Lining (Flicka)

Group Sex

The Expectant Duck

Destined to Be an Old Woman with No Regrets

XBox4NappyRash

Eight Million Pieces

Where I Intended To Be

Dead Baby Jokes

The Idle Mind of Beth

If you have a blog to add to the list that closed in 2010, please email me.

Past Creme de la Creme Lists:

*I aim for inclusivity, therefore, if you think you belong on this list, you probably do. From the newly-diagnosed to the treatment vets, from those still filling out paperwork to those with completed adoptions, from those who are trying to choose a donor and those parenting DI or DE kids; those who are completely confused on what to do and those who are peacefully–or not peacefully–living child-free. Biological infertility or situational infertility, being a single parent by choice, straight or gay, young or old — this list is about difficulties while family building, pure and simple.

**sometimes, an author doesn’t formally end their blog, but stops writing. Other times, one blog ends and another blog begins by the same writer. Still others, a blog is placed on this list only to start posting again months later. Not included on this list are blogs that have gone password protected and continue to be written for a smaller audience. Apologies to anyone who hasn’t truly closed their blog who appears on this list. Please let me know and I’ll take it down. At the same time, if you have closed your blog this year and would like to be honoured on this list, please send me your blog name.

January 1, 2011 30 Comments

Game, Set, Match

by Mel

I’m not really sure what my title means. I hear it all the time, and I believe it means an end point, but I’m not exactly sure. But for the sake of this post, we’ll say that “game, set, match” means that the Creme de la Creme is all ready to go.

The list isn’t really tucked up all tight, warm and snug, because the list will be added to through the end of January, and there are still dozens more that came in after the 15th that I probably won’t get to before the list goes up. But the 267 posts that came in by the end of December 15th are currently blurbed and edited (thank you, Josh) and lovingly placed in a post for your reading pleasure on January 1st.

Certain years truck along and the list comes together easily. This was not one of those years. It was my own fault, skipping many days of reading my quota in order to finish another project. I’m happy I got that project done, but it was at the expense of having the Creme de la Creme be a relaxing exercise. It was more like a sprint tacked on to the end of a marathon.

There were also a bunch of posts that made me cry. Hard. Cry hard enough to need to pause from the list. I know this happens every year — I mean, it happens weekly as I read blogs regardless. But think about it this way — every single post I read, all 267, were emotional. They may have been funny or thought-provoking or joyous, but they all contained enormous emotions of one kind or another. That’s just the way of the Creme. It’s people’s best posts.

So that’s my preview: there are some posts that will make you sob (I told Lindsay about one of them while we were in the kitchen, making ebelskivers for the kids and the two of us were bawling just talking about it). And some will make you laugh. And a lot of them will make you see the world in an entirely new way. And a lot of them will provide enough food for thought that you think your brain might be full.

So, if you’re excited with anticipation because you love this list too — what can you do to help?

Read it on January 1st or soon after.
Comment on posts that you find on the list — not just the first one or two, but the ones that are in the middle of the list or towards the end.
Tweet about it, make the fact that you’re reading it your Facebook status, blog about it.
Keep checking it throughout the month (there will be a link to it at the very top of my blog as well as a note each time I update it) so the posts that are added at the end still have eyes on them.

And frankly, if you really want to thank me, read my new book either in paperback or Kindle. Tell people about it. Write a review on Amazon. Join the blog tour. Is it a fair trade since I only read a post of yours and I’m asking you to read a book of mine? Not really. But life isn’t fair. I think you know that by now. And that’s what you could really do to thank me more than anything. I mean, beyond reading the Creme de la Creme too since I put so many hours into it. Just saying.

Oh! And I would like to apologize for not having up the LFCA this week or updating the blogroll. I’ve been using the night hours that I usually use for the LFCA to work on the Creme de la Creme, and then the final hours of the night to watch Battlestar Galactica with Josh on DVD, which we refer to as our “Outer Space Family.” To distinguish them from Brothers & Sisters, which I refer to simply as “My Family.” LFCA and the blogroll updates will return now that the Creme de la Creme is under control.

December 30, 2010 20 Comments

Cream-Based Drinks

by Mel

Cream-based drinks on special at the virtual bar today: Baileys and Mudslides and … whatever else is milky and sweet because it is the final day to submit a post to the Creme de la Creme and ensure that it’s on the list when it goes up January 1st.

Sure, you could always submit your post on December 16th, and plenty of people do, but I can’t promise those posts will go up in the first round. They’ll probably be added to the list some time in early January.

So what are you waiting for?

While we all drink and go through our archives and ask the other patrons at the bar what our best post of the year was (and I’m sorry, but everyone has a best post. Or a best of the worst if you’re going to put yourself down and want to look at it that way), I’d also like to thank you for all the good wishes and book purchases for Life from Scratch.

Even though I’m completely sober (look, I’m pouring drinks with a steady hand), I got very weepy-in-my-beer reading through the comments and seeing the book sale rankings on Amazon. Thank you. I really can’t thank you enough. And I can’t wait to hear what you think.

Deep breath.

It has been almost two months since we met, bitched, cried, comforted, and caught up each other on our cycles and lives. Pull up a seat and I’ll pour you a drink. Let everyone know what is happening in your life. The good, the bad, the ugly. My only request is that if a story catches your eye, you follow it back to the person’s blog and start reading their posts. Give some love, give some support, or laugh with someone until your drink comes out of your nose.

I have a ton of assvice in my back pocket and as a virtual bartender, I will give it to you unless you specifically tell me that this is simply a vent and you do not want to receive anything more than a hug.

So if you have been a lurker for a while (or if this is your first open bar), sit down and tell us about yourself. Remember to provide a link or a way for people to continue reading your story (or if you don’t have a blog–gasp!–you can always leave an email address if you’re looking for advice or support. If not, people can leave messages for that person here in the comments section too). If you’re a regular at the bar, I’ll get out your engraved martini glass while you make yourself comfortable. And anyone new, welcome. I’m glad you found this virtual bar.

For those who have no clue what I’m talking about when I say that the bar is open, click here to catch up and then jump into the conversation back on this current post.

So have an imaginary cocktail and tell us what is up with your life.

December 15, 2010 35 Comments

6 Arguments for the Creme de la Creme

by Mel

Almost 200 people have already submitted to the Creme de la Creme. The December 15th soft deadline is quickly approaching, and this is your penultimate kick in the ass to submit before this deadline passes. What does the December 15th deadline mean? That your blog post will be up on the list on January 1st. Anything that comes in December 16th–January 31st will go on the list, but it most likely won’t be up there when the list first goes up.

There are about 2600 blogs on the blogroll, but only a predicted 300 or so will be on the list when it closes (rough estimate based on submissions so far as compared with past years). So if you haven’t yet submitted, and any of these are your excuses, I’ve provided you with my response to your lack of participation.

I’m not going to submit a post because I’m too cool for school and I don’t do that kumbaya crap even though I like you Mel and I’m going to read the list on January 1st.

Listen up, Missy. Er … actually, I don’t have anything harsher than “listen up, Missy” in my pocket for this one. But seriously? If you think your blog is too good for this list or that you are somehow better than everyone else, it might actually be best if you stay away. This space is a welcome table where everyone sits on the same plane. And I don’t want that energy here.

The energy I want is the sort we brought to the What If project, with 450 thoughts coming together to show the diversity of our experience.

I’m new to blogging, and I feel shy.

You are putting your inner most thoughts out there for the world to read: you are not as shy as you think. Oh! You mean that you don’t feel like you belong yet. Well, that’s all the more reason to participate. Here’s a door into the community — one that is wide-open for you to walk through — and it’s a chance to meet a lot of other bloggers as well as have them find you. Be a part of something: throw a post onto the list.

I’m so busy. I want to do this, but it’s like #64829 on my to-do list.

I get it. This time of year is busy. And something like this has to fall low on the to-do list. But you don’t have to stress about it or do it alone. Have people help you with the choice. Grab a handful of posts you like, construct a blog post asking people to vote, and voila — you have your submission for the Creme de la Creme.

I think this list is stupid, and I don’t want to be part of it.

Totally valid reason not to participate. But I have to ask, why are you reading this blog? I mean, the list is definitely an offshoot of my blog and all the thoughts contained within. I’m not sure how you can enjoy the blog, but not enjoy the list. Or why you bother to read something you don’t enjoy, learn from, find support within, etc. I just don’t waste my time like that, so I’ve always been fascinated by people who do.

I’m now parenting, and I feel shy submitting a post from this year even though I often still mention infertility, loss, or adoption.

Parenting is the desire or goal (or was the desire or goal) of everyone on the blogroll. And reaching parenthood doesn’t erase all that came before it. I personally like seeing a range of posts on the list — from those still in the trenches to those parenting after infertility or loss. I try to ensure that the blurb that comes after gives people a heads up about the contents so they can skip over any that sound too painful to read in their current state (though hopefully they will double back and read them later). Please do submit because your viewpoint is still valid and necessary.

I closed my blog in 2010 and it feels strange to now submit something to the list when I don’t want new readers.

Then perhaps don’t look at this list as a way to catch new readers. Look at it as a goodbye to your old readers; a parting gift. If you wrote even one post in 2010, please include it on the list.

Thank you to everyone who has already submitted. And I declare today International Go-and-Bug-Your-Favourite-Blogger-to-Submit Day. Ask people you read if they’ve submitted, and suggest your favourite post if they haven’t. Tweet about it, Facebook about it, blog about it. And make sure that everyone in the ALI community knows that they’re welcome.

How do you submit to the 2010 list (and yes, the post needs to come from 2010)? Read this post about the Creme de la Creme list and follow the instructions.

December 6, 2010 12 Comments

5 Years of the Creme de la Creme

by Mel

Updated: the Creme de la Creme of 2010 was posted on January 1st, but read below to see how you can become part of the list.

Believe it or not, this is the fifth anniversary of the little Creme de la Creme. If you’re unfamiliar with the project, read on to understand. If you’ve participated in years past, you know how much fun the list is when its revealed on January 1st. So, I hereby declare the Creme de la Creme list open.

I know this is loooooong, but please read this whole post before submitting your entry. Every year, the rules change slightly in order to streamline the process.

If you didn’t read or participate in this list in 2006 or in 2007 or in 2008 or in 2009, the impulse behind this list are the ubiquitous award ceremonies that crawl out of their hiding spaces usually around December or January. Awards are nice — it’s good to honour someone and mark big accomplishments. But we all have a best post tucked into our archives. We all have words that have moved another person or ideas that have kicked off a series of musings. Bloggers are writers, and all of us deserve to be celebrated.

And we’re doing just that.

This is the way it works. If you want to participate, read through your archives and choose a favourite post. You can leave all sorts of comments below telling me how fantastic I am, but fill out the form to send in your submission (do not leave it in the comments section–the point of this list is also the surprise of seeing the choices revealed on a single day). If you post your link below, I will delete it. Again, feel free to leave love comments below — in fact, please do leave love comments below — but not your submission for the list. Let’s keep it a surprise until the list is ready to go up.

You can only choose one entry. You cannot be modest. Everyone has a best post. There is no such thing as a boring blog. Even if you don’t think you have any readers because you’ve never received a comment, you have a best post. The one that you felt really good about when you hit publish. The one that would be the post you’d put forward if an editor called you tomorrow and said, “I have this great writing job for you that will pay a million dollars an hour. You just need to submit one blog entry to get this job so we can check your writing style.”

Even if you just found my blog because you read about the Creme de la Creme on another person’s blog, you are not only welcome to submit; you are encouraged. It is the best posts of 2010 for the ALI community and that community includes anyone who writes about infertility, adoption, pregnancy loss, stillbirth, neonatal death, assisted reproduction, pregnancy after infertility or loss, and every related topic — from living child-free after infertility to parenting after infertility. Everyone on the blogroll (or could be on the blogroll) is welcome to participate. Really, you don’t need to be a regular reader of my blog to join in. It’s open to everyone in the ALI blogosphere. I can’t say this in more ways than that. Which means you don’t need to write me a note asking if it’s okay to participate. The answer is yes. Okay?

Actually, it’s not only “yes;” it’s “please do.”

The list will be posted January 1st and I promise that you will use up a good portion of the beginning of the year reading through the most stunning posts you’ve ever seen. We had 288 posts last year, and I’d really like to top that this year. My goal is all 2500+ blogs currently on the blogroll, but barring that, let’s aim for over 400. Which means that not only do you have to participate if you’re reading this, but you need to spread the word and get other bloggers to participate (more on that below). Link to this post, send out a note to other bloggers you like, and suggest favourite posts to bloggers from this past year.

Um…other FAQ-like things:

How many posts can I submit?

You can only submit one. Please don’t submit two and ask me to choose. Submit one.

How will I know that you received my entry?

When you hit submit on the form, you should get a screen telling you that I have my entry. If you don’t see that screen, I don’t have your entry.

I sent in a post last week but I just wrote one that I love more! Can I switch my submission?

The short answer is no. The reason is that I write up the blurbs that appear next to each entry. This takes a lot of time. When you change your post, I have to write another blurb. Therefore, think carefully. But get your post in early so it’s high up on the list. But take your time picking it so you’re positive it’s the one you want on the list. But don’t give this too much thought…

If you just submitted it an hour earlier and realized you sent the wrong link, email me quickly so I can change it. Once I write the blurb, it’s set. I mean, you can pull your blog from the list, but you can’t submit a different link.

How do I know which one is my best?

Think of this list in sort of the same vein as those “Best American Short Story”-type collections except that it’s blog entries and everyone in the blogosphere should be represented with a link. The idea of the creme de la creme is not to put out there “the best” by someone else’s definition of “best.” It’s to put out the entry that means the most to you. Everyone has a best entry from 2010. It’s the one you would cry about if it was ever eaten by your computer. Even if it’s only meaningful to you.

I’m having a lot of trouble choosing my best one.

Why don’t you give a few choices to a friend and get their opinion? Don’t get hung up on the word “best.” It’s more about presenting a small taste of your blog. A lot of people read the list each January and it’s a chance for them to get to know your blog in one post. The goal, of course, is not only to honour every blog, but to also introduce everyone. Think of it like a cocktail party. You certainly think about what you wear, but everything doesn’t hinge on this one outfit.

I want to submit a post about my dog/favourite recipe/vacation in Hawaii. So … er … it’s not about adoption/infertility/loss. Can I? Or I want to submit a post but it has pictures of my baby in it. Do you think this is okay for an IF list?

Well, this list is sort of a pu-pu platter of the ALI community. Therefore, if your post is about your ski trip last winter, it doesn’t really show any emotion, thought, or event flitting through the community. Still, people have submitted off-topic posts in the past. If you have any part of the post that if ALI-related, all the better though.

The second question is a sensitivity one. Personally, I think that babies are part of the community and territory. The reality is that we’re all working towards parenthood or were once working towards parenthood. And children are included in that. I try to always mention in my blurb if it’s about a baby or if there are photos so people are given a heads up before they click over. So, yes, send posts that have photos in it and I will make sure that people know the gist of the post before they click over if they’re in a sensitive space.

I’m a man. Can I participate?

Are you part of the ALI community? Then didn’t you read above? EVERYONE is invited to participate. Male, female, young, old, married, single, gay, straight, everyone everyone everyone.

I’m a tree shrew. Can I participate?

Er … a tree shrew with a blog? An infertile tree shrew with a blog? I guess … I mean … I did say everyone …

I just started my blog in October. Can I participate?

As long as you’ve had one post in 2010, you can participate. Even if you didn’t start your blog until October 2010. Just choose your best from the last two months.

My blog is password protected. Can I participate?

If your blog is password protected and you want to participate, choose your blog entry and create a free blog at Blogger or WordPress and post that single entry. Then send me the link so I can place it on the list. I can’t link to password protected blogs.

When is the deadline for getting in my submission (and this has changed since last year so pay attention)?

To ensure that you’re on the list on January 1st, please fill out the form by December 15th. If you submit after December 15, you will be on the list, but you will probably go up after people have started reading on January 1st.

The 2010 list doesn’t technically close until January 31, 2011. Therefore, if it is after January 1st and the list is already up, you can still submit as long as it is before 11 pm EST on January 31, 2011. After that point, the list will be close to new entries and I’ll be working to get up the last remaining few.

So, just to reiterate — (1) if you submit before December 15th, you will be on the list on January 1st. (2) If you submit between December 16th and 31st, you may be on the list January 1st, but more likely, you’ll be on some point after January 1st. (3) If you submit between January 1st and 31st, you’ll go up on the list as soon as possible. And then the list is closed until next year when the new one opens.

Can you post another link to the form right now because I’ve decided to submit.

Sure, here’s another link to the form. Just fill it out and hit send and it will go into the Creme de la Creme spreadsheet.

If you don’t want to participate, do nothing. With the Creme de la Creme List, I never add a blog or highlight a post unless the author has sent it to me. Therefore, no hurt feelings. If your post isn’t on the list, it’s because you haven’t sent one. If you see someone missing from the list after it is posted, go bug them and tell them to submit a post. But don’t send me a note asking me to add them without their permission. I really would like this post to be what the author believes is their best post, but if you are feeling shy and can’t choose, enlist a friend to help you narrow it down and choose your best work.

Lastly, there is another section of the list that needs your help: blogs that closed in 2010. These are blogs that closed entirely — the person stopped blogging and said specifically that they were not going to post any longer — not blogs that went password protected or the person moved their blog to a new space. If you read a blog that closed during 2010, please send me the title of the blog. It doesn’t matter if it was read by one person or read by 5000 people, all blogs should be honoured and recognized. And all blogs stand on the same plateau here.

Spread the word with the following button on a post or your sidebar to encourage others to send a link:

The code for adding the link to your blog can be found here.

Everyone has a best post. It is your personal best. It is not best by any other standard. Stop comparing yourself. Stop feeling shy. Stop thinking it’s immodest to toot your own horn when I’ve told you to toot your own horn. Start reading through your archives. Reflect on the year. And then send me a link for the list.

Wheew. Sorry about that last part. But everyone in the blogosphere should be represented and honoured.

November 1, 2010 31 Comments

Category — Creme de la Creme

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